The wave I am riding is slowly losing power. (Thank God!) A few nights ago I had a fabulous window of normal. Normal thoughts, feelings and a fairly normal body. Last night I had another great window again. My body symptoms did kick in after I ate, (that’s my usual pattern) but it wasn’t too bad. That constant sensation of watching my every thought and move, was gone. I was totally in the moment.
My biggest fears are 1. That this wave is “really” just me, or 2. It is not me, its wd, but it’s never going to end. ( I think a lot of us have those fears in wd, right?) But I keep holding onto hope that one day, I will wake up and have a normal life again.
Mornings are still a challenge. But I cope by heading out to the garden and getting my hands and my mind as busy as I can. It helps. By the mid afternoon things settle down, and by early evening, I feel pretty darn good. I get through the crazy stuff by reminding myself that I will probably get a break from it in the evening.
I got a haircut yesterday that made me feel so fabulous, that my happiness kept growing and growing and growing…. until it turned into anxiety in my body. My CNS still can’t handle too much of any type of intense feeling. But I gotta say, that the happiness was sweet indeed! I felt so good it must have shown. Two young men flirted with me at a store. That hasn’t happened in years. I think it is a very good sign that life is slowly inching its way back to some semblance of normal. (Meaning, I am engaging in society again on a more normal level.)
I still have the crappy benzo wd driven thoughts, (they had mostly gone so this was the hardest to cope with when this wave kicked in) but I am learning to not give them so much power over my life. I wake up and I ask God what he wants me to do today. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. When it gets too hard, I curl up on the couch, or back into bed, and I watch a movie. I keep reminding myself, “this too shall pass.”
Matt Samet, Don, and Julie have been giving me a lot of support and strength. My parents have been very supportive. My father told me yesterday that they will walk next to me through this no matter how long it takes to heal. I deeply, deeply, appreciated that remark.
I truly didn’t see this wave coming. It’s been a bitch of one, too. Hopefully it is the last big one. Fingers and toes crossed.
Keep holding on everyone. Keep healing.
Thank you all for being there for me, and for each other. Our benzo family is pretty awesome.
Oh Jenn, I’m so glad you’re pulling out of this terrible wave. You’ve been doing so well the past six months. I truly believe you’re about to turn that big corner. Your’re right. It’s so hard not to have all those negative thoughts. I was boo hooing this morning because of the unexpected wave I’m in right now. But, like you, I also start to feel better as the day goes on. That gives me hope. It’s a brutal thing to go through. I believe that God is smoothing out the rough edges in my life. I just have to trust in His perfect timing. We’ll all get there when the time is right. I pray for you daily. God bless you and everyone else out there going through this.
Aw..& nice to hear and of ur parents. Thank you Jennifer & all. So needed. Been tough. Prayers to all & you : )
Thanks so much for this e-mail – I am starting my sixth month of withdrawal and have had only waves that can be very scary and frightening but always have hope when I read your e-mails – is 6 months off klonopin and still having withdrawal symptoms normal Thanks again Norma
I truly know that you are healing–this is just withdrawal symptoms again. Treat yourself well and take all the time you need. Thanks for being there for us all. We appreciate you so much!!! I am at 31 months off, and I am still having some rough days. We will recover!!!
Thanks for posting Jenn and letting us all know that you’re doing better. I’ve kept you in my thoughts and prayers and so happy you’re doing better. Those are healing loving, remarks from your parents, how nice. You have done so much for others. Thank you for everything. How did your bracelet turn out?
Thankyou for the update,its so encouraging!Iso understand how you feel about your central nervous system not being able to handle much,even getting excited over a haircut.I so get that too!Im afraid to get excited over fun things,because of the overwhelming feeling to my CNS,that triggers the anxiety and terror.I never had that before,so I know its the withdrawal symptoms.I cant wait for normal to return.
So glad to hear you are coming out of this wave. I am at 11 months out as of yesterday, and I am feeling so much better. Still symptomatic, don’t get me wrong, but better. I’d love a great flirtation. That sounds delicious!
Can you tell me how Matt is doing? I know he had a big flare earlier this year after a surgery. Is he still in it?
Sent from RASJ’s iPhone
I’ve been reading your blog and it is great. I tried looking around the Web page to no avail but could I get a summary of your usage history and how long it took to taper? Just out of curiosity
I truly am beginning to think for some of us that this is going to be part of us for the rest of our lives.
I hope not but this for so many of us is really something serious and long lasting.. Like Jenn said any type of emotions whether it be good or bad affects people like us in bad ways and really not sure If it will completely end.
Best Regards to you Jenn
Just discovered this blog. I am laying in bed after a huge wave of anxiety, rage and paranoia blindsided me again, just when I thought I doing so well. It’s hellish and not only affects me but my partner and kid. I am terrified that I will be abandoned by everyone, I know that they are all over this and burnt out.
I had breast cancer 6 years ago. They fixed my body but my mind is a totally different ballgame. I have had that many meltdowns was given Lorazepam to help me which I grabbed with both hands at the time only to end up worse than I was at the beginning. I have made it this far withdrawing from Lorazepam onto Diazepam to make it easier and took my last quarter a week ago. Will I survive this too ? I wonder if I ‘m strong enough. Today I don’t think so. It’s so hard to motivate myself to do anything, like dragging myself through mud. I have had a few brief windows of normality? I keep hoping that the meltdowns and paranoia will stop. Just as I feel better another wave hits. I’m grateful to hear other people who understand reaching out to each other but I wish to God none of us had to. Thanks for listening. Hope we all make it through this.