Welcome!
I am glad you are here.

Most people I coach on how to cope with benzo withdrawal ask me if they will ever get their old selves back. I tell them yes, and no. Yes, you will get your old self back in that you will remember and know who you are. You’ll be able to feel love, peace, happiness, excitement, and joy again. You’ll remember the things that you used to enjoy doing. You’ll remember your talents. You will be returned to you. No, you won’t be the exact same as you were before benzo withdrawal: you’ll be much better!

One of the many challenging benzo withdrawal symptoms is the lack of feeling like ourselves. I used to feel that me, my sense of self, had been eviscerated. I couldn’t remember who I was. I felt no feelings other than the classic doom and gloom, fear, terror, existential angst, and of course, the physical horrors of withdrawal. There was no shred left of anything that felt like me. I used to stare into the mirror and ask who the reflection was that was staring back at me. It was a terrible time in my life, just as it very well may be a terrible time in your life. We long so much to feel connected to ourselves again and connected to our friends and family, and to life!  (And you will be again, in time!)

Once your brain and CNS recovers from the damage caused by the benzo you took, you’ll remember who you are, what you love, what sparks joy, etc. Your intelligence, capabilities, and memory will return. They might return in fits and starts and dribble and drabs, but they will return. Then, after your sense of self has re-established itself, you’ll realize that you are better, stronger, wiser, kinder, more open to life than you’ve ever been before. There is something about going through benzo withdrawal that deepens us, wisens us, opens us. Most of us on the other side of withdrawal feel that life is sweeter than ever! That’s certainly my experience. As I put last years wave behind me, I am amazed at how incredible life is. It’s full of hope and promise, love and laughter, and a deep sense of fulfillment and happiness.  I know you’ll experience these things as well, in time.

If you are in that stage of withdrawal where you feel completely devoid of self, and you’re lost and scared, please hold on. Trust that this is just a symptom of withdrawal and that you will get yourself back, and you may discover, like so many of us, that you are “new and improved!.” You’ll see how sweet life is. It really is!

I’ve received many phone calls lately from people who have family members insisting that they “listen to their doctors” even when the doctor’s advice is harmful. I too, had family members insist that I’d be better off following the advice of a trained, educated professional, instead of following the advice of people who had experienced benzo withdrawal—strangers on the Internet. I’m writing this post in hopes that it can be shared with family members to educate them about the plight of people in benzo withdrawal.

First, it’s important to understand that most of the medical community is woefully ignorant about the dangers of taking a benzodiazepine.  I know that it is hard to believe that in this day of age when information/knowledge is shared with a keystroke, that they aren’t aware of the suffering that benzodiazepines can cause, but that is the reality. (There is one doctor who is an expert in benzo withdrawal, Dr. Heather Ashton. However, many doctors in the US ignore or discredit her work.)

Those of us who have experienced withdrawal symptoms have been harmed by our doctor, whom we trusted. We took a pill that he or she prescribed. We took that pill in good faith, believing that it would help us. At some point, we realized that we were being harmed by the medication—slowly poisoned—our GABA receptors being destroyed throughout our brain and body.

When we turn to our doctors for help to get off of the drug, they often suggest that we taper too quickly, or that we go to a detox or rebab facility (where we will be taken off too fast), or that we stop taking the drug (which can be fatal), or that we begin taking other medications to help with the withdrawal symptoms, which can backfire and make us worse. Often, we are told that what we are experiencing is not withdrawal, but instead that we have developed a new mental or physical illness. We are sometimes told that we are addicts, when in fact, we are chemically dependant on the medication. The mismanagement of benzo withdrawal patients by the medical community can lead to dire outcomes. That is why so many people in benzo withdrawal are extraordinary cautious, and rightly so, to blindly put their trust (again) in doctors.

When doctors prescribe benzos with no clear understanding of how harmful they can be and then proceed to give erroneous advice on how to navigate benzo withdrawal, they do double damage. When family members insist that we listen to medical advice that we know is contraindicated in withdrawal, it adds to our distress. What we need most from family and friends is unconditional love and support.

We need to have control over how we taper or how we manage our benzo withdrawal symptoms once off. We do better when family members educate themselves about benzo withdrawal instead of them putting their blind trust and faith in the uneducated medical community.   We do better when family trusts that we are doing our best, following the guidelines of the benzo withdrawal community, and Dr. Heather Ashton, to heal from the damage the medication has caused.

Dear Benzo Family,

I am having to postpone the group, Healing With Love, due to some family issues I must take care of. I am hopeful to have the group up and running later this summer or this fall. I will keep you posted.

I tell everyone I work with to text me or email me if they have a question or need a bit of encouragement. I always do my best to respond to everyone very quickly. However, the sheer volume of incoming messages around the clock is keeping me from my family obligations and keeping me from having downtime to recharge so that I don’t burn out. Please, from now on, text or email me Monday through Thursday, 9-5. I will do my best to answer you that same day. For those of you who follow me on Facebook, please don’t use Messanger to connect with me to ask a benzo question. Please email or text me Monday-Thursday, 9-5. When I am on Facebook I am usually connecting with my close family and would like to be able to enjoy my time with them. (If you need assistance right away you can reach out to a benzo buddy, or post on BenzoBuddies.org. If you are having a medical emergency, always call  911. Make an appointment with your doctor if you are worried about your health and want to rule out any other causes of your symptoms.)

I understand how long and hard the road to recovery is. I trudged it wearily for quite some time. I know that we need someone to walk with us, someone who has been there and understands our suffering. I want very much to walk with each and every one of you, and I’ll do my best to do that. But I do have to put some boundaries in place for now. Thank you for understanding.

I love you all. You have touched my life so deeply. I want so much to celebrate with you when you cross the finish line of recovery. And you will. In time. Life is truly sweet when benzo withdrawal is in our rearview mirror.

With much love and respect,
Jennifer

At the beginning of my recovery from the damage that benzodiazepines had caused, I researched every diet I could think of. I hoped that one of them would help me to heal faster, or at the very least, help me to feel better. The first diet I started on was the GAPS diet. I did my best to stick with it, even making bone broth. I didn’t know all the ins and outs about broth and mine tasted awful, plus, it stunk up my kitchen. (I wasn’t making it properly.) As my withdrawal symptoms got worse, I stopped adhering to the GAPS diet as I couldn’t take care of myself, and therefore I ate anything that my children dropped off for me. The only things I avoided were foods with gluten, a lot of sugar, MSG, additives or colorings, and of course, caffeine and alcohol.

As my withdrawal progressed, and time went by, I watched the movie Fat, Sick And Nearly Dead. I had seen it before, but this time, I took it to heart.  I  frequently juiced ten different fruits and vegetables in hopes that they would make me feel better. I have the MTHFR gene mutation, so I made sure I juiced a lot of dark green leafy vegetables (kale!). I can’t say that juicing was the magic elixir I had hoped it would be, but I did feel better knowing that I was at least trying to put healthy things into my body. I was still gluten-free (and am to this day) and very careful about MSG, additives, etc. And of course, no alcohol or caffeine.

Still unwell a great deal of time into my recovery, I decided to go vegan. I thought maybe ditching animal products was the ticket to better health. I had watched the movie Forks Over Knives and was ready to try embracing only plants as fuel for my body. A month into eating vegan and I was in worse shape. I went back to eating meat and soon felt better than while eating vegan. Next, I tried the Paleo diet but didn’t feel much change one way or the other. Eventually, I stopped following any diet protocol and ate what I liked, which are whole organic foods, good fats, meats, vegetables, and fruits. Sometimes, I’d have grains or legumes, but not often.

Last summer, when I had my setback, I bought the book Nourishing Traditions, by Sally Fallon. It became my handbook for nutrition. I learned a proper technique for making bone broth (it was delicious!) and enjoyed whole milk plain yogurt, as well as fermented foods and even beet Kvass. I can’t say that the diet made a difference in my symptoms, but psychologically I felt good knowing that I was feeding my body the fuel it needed. (Now, after gaining some weight from inactivity, I am ready to try a few weeks on the Keto diet. I’m curious to see the results of that diet.)

After trying many diets, here is what I’ve come to believe is the best diet in benzo withdrawal: It is the one that supports you nutritionally and doesn’t make you feel worse! Like everything else in benzo withdrawal, we all react differently to things. I felt like death when I went vegan, yet some people in withdrawal told me that they felt better after ditching animal products. I enjoy bone broth and fermented foods and juices while those foods make others feel terrible, most likely due to the high histamine levels of those foods. I feel awful if I eat pasta or bread, yet others eat it without any issues. We all have to find a healthy diet that works for us.

We may find that certain foods rev us up, but I don’t think we should abandon all of those. Some people become so scared of having their symptoms increase after eating that they are surviving (somehow) on three to five different foods only. There is no way, to my knowledge, (disclaimer: I’m not a nutritionist or a dietician) that eating only a few different foods can give the proper nutrition that a body needs. I used to have an increase in my tingling and body anxiety when I ate salmon or garbanzo beans. But I didn’t give up either as I knew they were both nutritionally good for me. Of course, if a certain food makes you ill, you are probably better off avoiding it. I’m not suggesting that you drink bone broth, for example, if the histamine in it makes you feel sick. I’m saying eat a balanced diet, eat as clean (organic, no additives of any kind) as you can, make sure you are getting the fat, protein, vitamins, minerals, and fiber that you need, and don’t stress too much about it.

If there was a diet that allowed us to heal faster I’m sure we’d all have heard about it by now. Since it doesn’t appear to exists, all we can do is to eat healthy so that we know we are giving our body what it needs to heal and to ultimately thrive. (And that weight loss or weight gain you’re experiencing in withdrawal—no matter what you seem to eat or not eat? Know that your metabolism will sort itself out in time and you will most likely get back to your normal weight. Feed your body the fuel it needs and don’t worry too much about the scale.)

I’m seven years into my recovery from taking a benzodiazepine as prescribed. That’s a long time to be having to accommodate one’s life around health issues. Of course, I am better than I was when I was tapering, and I’m better than I was for the first few years after my cold-turkey (at the hands of an “addiction specialist.”). I am even better than I was at this time last year when I had a very unexpected setback and was bedridden for many months. I’m better, but not yet healed. At least not as healed as I was before the setback.

We hear that our symptoms come from down-regulated GABA receptors. But is that all, especially in protracted withdrawal? I’m not so sure that it is, even though I have no scientific evidence to validate my opinion. But I do know my body, and I feel that at this stage of my healing, more is at play than “just” GABA receptors not working correctly.

I’m aware that histamine may play a role in my symptoms. My high viral loads, as shown by my blood work, also might play a part. Perhaps my thyroid is a bit out of whack—not an uncommon occurrence in withdrawal. Although my lab work doesn’t show any known autoimmune issues, I feel reasonably confident that my immune system isn’t functioning at its best. I believe the stress and trauma of benzo withdrawal cause all sorts of issues that take time, proper nutrition, and impeccable self-care to heal.

I’ve been tested for most of the illnesses that benzo withdrawal mimics, and nothing has been found. It’s not a bad idea to get tested to rule out other causes of your ill health if you are in protracted withdrawal, however, I’m not a big fan of a lot of medical intervention, as that is how I got harmed in the first place. But I am a fan of creating stress-free environments for ourselves, eating organic whole foods, avoiding foods or supplements that rev up our symptoms, avoiding drama, exercising gently, being of service to others, having a spiritual practice, having a victim-free, positive outlook, and working with medical professionals who think outside of the “Big Pharma Box,” or working with alternative healers (I now work with a wonderful bodyworker who is helping me immensely).

Even though the road is long for many of us, I do think that we ultimately heal. When I read about Dr. Reggie Pert’s traumatic benzo withdrawal and recovery, he said that his symptoms were either gone or that they were so mild as to be incorporated into everyday life. I think that sums it up best. If we do have any lingering symptoms, they will be so minor that we can overlook them. That’s how I felt before my setback. My symptoms were so minor that I didn’t even think about them. I know that I will get back to that baseline, and better, in time, especially if I address my body’s need for rest, quiet, gentle movement, and proper nutrition, and my mind’s need for service to others, a belief in something greater than myself, and positive thoughts.

I’ve shared this before, but I’ll share it again as it is such a powerful tool to use: I ask myself every day, “What is the most loving thing to think, feel, or do?” That question guides me to my highest and best. Learning to treat myself with love, care, and compassion goes a very long way toward healing. I’ve learned that even on the days when I don’t feel my best, I can still be loving to myself and others. I’ve learned to keep moving forward and to be grateful for my life, whatever shape it is in at the moment.

By the way, I floated the idea of a private group/forum for healing with love (spirituality) but unfortunately, I haven’t been able to create all of the framework for it on the back end of my website. I got delayed with family obligations. I’ll let you know when I have everything in place. Thanks for your patience.