I’m a bit freaked out.
Can it be four years since I swallowed the last dose of the poison that was slowly killing me? Really? Man, times flies. But, of course, it didn’t zoom by back when I was in the thick of withdrawal. Time crawled painfully slow. I dreaded waking up every morningto face yet another day of unimaginable suffering. It’s freaky to think of how many days I’ve spent battling to survive.
But survive I have! And now, I’m beyond basic survival, and I’m thriving!
It is amazing to be on this side of all the mental and emotional withdrawal shit.
Sure, I’ve still got some body symptoms. I even had two panic attacks in the middle of the night recently. Both of them woke me out of a deep sleep. So, clearly, my CNS is still healing. (And it’s letting me know I am pushing too hard.) I breathed through them and went back to sleep. I still have pain, fatigue, weakness, dizziness/wooziness, tinnitus, tingles, head pressure… you know what I’m talking about. What has gone away is that horrific mental anguish, the looping thoughts, the intrusive thoughts, the hopelessness, despair, depression, gut-wrenching anxiety, existential angst, etc. I’ve got normal thoughts and feelings and I am once again, in control of both!
Life feels expansive and full of rich possibility.
I’m not the person I was before I entered this storm. How could I be? I’ve been changed. Yes, really changed. I love who I have become. I’m so proud of myself. I am the person I always dreamed I could be. I doubt I would have gotten here had I not gone through withdrawal. I was pretty hard headed, walled off, stuck in my ego, and often woke up and pulled on the victim coat and wore it all day. How different my life is now. I thank God for helping me change. I know He has given me a new heart. I’m grateful.
The present moment is delicious.
Nom. Nom. Nom. I’m eating it up, savoring every feel and flavor. You will too, one day. Don’t give up. All you have to do to get to this side, is to not kill yourself and to not reinstate. Hold on. Go the distance. It’s so worth it!
Help me celebrate four years of freedom, please.
Light a candle. Make your own wish and blow it out. Sing a happy song, do a little dance, throw your hands up in the air and shout something silly and fun! Celebrate your march towards freedom or your own number of days free. Celebrate that you are still on the planet, healing, and holding the space for something wonderful to come your way. For I tell you with the utmost of certainty, it is. It is moving towards you even as you read these words here.
Be blessed.
Jennifer
Congratulations on four years free! I’m so happy you’re recovering and able to share your wisdom with others again. You are a testament to the power of hope and healing. I’m seven months benzo free and still fragile, but getting there. Woohoo:)
Wow.
I am inspired by everything it took for you to get to 4 years. I honestly don’t know how you did it. But you did! You did it!
I just wish that you didn’t have physical symptoms. I want you to be fully healed. I want to know it’s really truly possible. 4 years seems so long and so hard not to be completely better. But I am so glad you are healed mentally. That is amazing and despite the other symptoms you sound like you have your life back.
Be proud of yourself. You have suffered what many will NEVER EVER EVER know, and never be able to even conceive of. You held on. And you made it. You are a true warrior of the bravest kind.
And now you have so much to offer the world.
Keep going! And don’t stop until you can tell us all of 100% healing.
xo
I am so delighted for you You deserve the best in all areas of you life and please God you will be 100percent well soon Thank you for your blogs over the years God bless Carmel
Congratulations dear Jennifer!!
You are a strong loving person..
I’ll be three years off next July 26th.
I am not 100% yet, but the horror days are behind now.
I feel I am 75-80% healed from a nasty drug like Effexor.
Thank you Jennifer for been there for us.
God bless you.
I am sending you you all my love and good vibes all the way from the “steaming jungles of Central America….” (some American president said that…)HAHAHA!
(((hUGS)))
CELEbrAtE!! Congratulations! So nice 2 hear. I keep holding on til that side. Thank you Jennifer 🙂
Congrats Jen! I’m proud of you!
Keep moving onward