Why me, God?
Naked, I’d curl up in the fetal position on my bathroom floor and cry out to God, “Why me?” I’d go down a rather long list of the good things I’d done in my life, evidence that I didn’t deserve such a cruel blow as benzo withdrawal. I’d rail against God’s apparent lack of justice or compassion. I knew in my heart that He’d made a terrible mistake. I should have been spared.
The great lesson.
As time went on, I became exhausted from the continual feeling I’d been done wrong, that I was being punished. I thought it best to just get on with my life, no matter what. I made the decision to live my life as best as I could, even if I didn’t heal. From that day forward, things began to get better. I stopped wallowing in my suffering, focused only on how awful my life had become. I made the promise to myself that I was going to learn how to love, fully. I wanted to learn how to live in Christ Consciousness. I knew it might not be an easy task, and I might stumble and fall many times, but I knew it was a goal worth striving for.
My garden became a backdrop for learning.
Tending to my front yard flower garden was good “medicine” for me. it was a way for me to learn how to be of service; to take the focus off myself. I grew to love the flowers and all the life that teemed in the garden. I learned to be present for everyone walking by. It didn’t take long until my heart softened and I stopped feeling so sorry for myself, trapped in my needy ego.
Love lights the way.
With my newfound desire to know love, I prayed nightly not for my own healing, but for the healing of others. I prayed for the healing and forgiveness of all the people in my past who had harmed me. If Jesus could ask God to forgive the men who executed Him, surely, I could pray for God to forgive my perpetrators. And a funny thing happened after praying those prayers for a while. My anger and resentments faded away. I had a much larger capacity for joy and happiness because there was more room in my heart! Plus, I was slowly learning how to forgive myself for all of my transgressions in the past; all the bad decisions that I’d made along the way. Something was happening to me, something wonderful! No longer did I curl up on the floor and scream at God. Instead, I tugged on my overalls every morning and went out to see His handiwork in my garden and in the eyes of the people walking by. My transformation was well underway!
Love is the answer to every question.
Slowly, I realized that love was the answer to everything. No matter how challenged I felt, if I turned toward love, everything worked out for the best. Everything. Including my recovery from the damage the benzo had caused in my brain and body. For me, the time I spent in benzo withdrawal became a time in the greatest classroom of all; God’s classroom. I learned to love. I learned to forgive and to have compassion and gratitude. Benzo withdrawal became the grit in my shell that I allowed to polish me. Benzo withdrawal was far from being a punishment, it was a gift that transfigured me into the person I thought I could never be; into my authentic self.
The deeper lesson.
For me, my journey into the depths of hell of benzo withdrawal allowed me to better understand the lesson of the cross, the lesson of love. Christ’s death wasn’t a one-time event. It was and is an ongoing lesson in trusting and holding all the opposites and contradictions of reality. He taught us to not project our pain onto others, creating scapegoats or enemies (He prayed for those who were killing Him!). He taught us to not stay trapped in our pain. We can hold all the contradictions of the world within ourselves as He did and allow them to change us, with love, as Jesus ultimately did with His resurrection.
This was my journey.
My journey out of benzo withdrawal took me to the most amazing places within my heart and soul. It took me back to God’s heart, back to love, back to wholeness. You may not have the faith I have. You may be on a different journey, I don’t know. But I share my story with you in hopes that you understand that benzo withdrawal is NOT a punishment. It is not a cruel event that has no redemption. It can be a time of great awareness and growth if you keep your heart open. Don’t ask “Why me?” ask instead, “How can I love today? What can I do to be of service today?” Those types of questions automatically shift you from victimhood to being a victor!
I’ll be forever grateful.
I have an *amazing* life now. It is full of love, wonder, curiosity, and gratitude. Sure, there is fear and doubt sometimes, as I’m human. But I made the decision long ago that fear and doubt don’t get to drive. They can come along for the ride, but they have to stay in the backseat. They can yammer all they want. but I’m too busy listening to wonder, curiosity, and gratitude to pay much attention to them. The journey is so incredibly good now.
Want to learn more about love’s healing powers?
I’ll be offering my Healing With Love workshop again on Monday, February 18h. Details here: https://benzowithdrawalhelp.com/workshops-3/
I’m excited to share what I know about social neuroscience (mostly Polyvagal Theory) and spiritual teachings that open our hearts and allow us to heal our deepest wounds and to love. The workshop probably won’t help your receptors heal any faster, but it may help your heart and soul heal from whatever darkness it has encountered and help you cope better while you recover.