I am almost 7 weeks out from my cold turkey on phenobarb. Today, I feel about 80% healed. That may be an exaggeration, but better to be overly optimistic than stewing in the symptoms feel. And that is the message of this post. Are you sick, or are you healing?
I have days when I feel dreadful. But, I refuse to think of myself as sick. I am healing. After all, our symptoms are what they are. The are sensations in our bodies that have ZERO meaning, until we give them meaning. That electric feeling coursing though my body? I can view it as anxiety or I can tell myself it is my nerves waking up after 18 long years of being numbed out by klonopin, and they are overly excited to be back online! I can also tell myself that I am going to “suffer” for many more months, or I can put on my detective hat and go look for the evidence of life being good. I prefer smelling the roses over smelling shit, quite frankly. I’ll take the positive view any day.
I am healing fairly quickly. I believe with ALL of my heart, that my attitude has something to do with it. I don’t worry about the symptoms that much anymore. I know I can tolerate them. I know they will one day go away. I know I am whole, creative, resourceful, loving and capable, even with the symptoms. I have not been robbed of anything. I have not worked in months, and have been bed bound and housebound a fair portion of the last nine months. However, I am full. My life is good. I am grateful for all the gifts.
I am learning what I am made out of. I have more courage, fortitude, compassion and love than I ever imagined.
I am not sick.
I am healing. In every sense of the word.
I am becoming who I always yearned to be. Me. 🙂
To your healing.