The sun reaches her warm fingers through my window, searching for me. “Wake up!” she insists. Already, the birds are singing, welcoming the new day. I open my eyes and lazily stretch my arms up over my head. I want to linger in the coziness of the blankets, but there are things I need to do, things I want to accomplish. I push back the covers and spring out of bed, eager to get started in the cool of the morning.
It wasn’t always this way. For a long time, the morning arrived and brought with it intense suffering. It was as if someone poured gasoline on my spine and lit a match to it, the heat unbearable. My mind raced with intrusive thoughts about death. I’d shiver with fright, even though I felt I was on fire. The anxiety that coursed through my body hummed with a chemical electricity, forcing my heart to quicken its pace. Everything hurt—my eyes, teeth, tongue, muscles, bones, and joints. There was no way to escape the pain. No place to hide. I was in the clutches of benzo withdrawal, and I had to bear it as best as I could, all day, every day.
If you’ve read some of my blog posts, you know how much I suffered during my taper and then after my cold turkey. It took years for me to heal from the damage the benzo I took as prescribed caused. But heal, I did! Here is what life is like after benzo withdrawal.
Happiness. It comes now in rushing torrents, gleefully pushing its way into my heart and soul. I don’t have to go in search of it. It finds me every day. Happiness is no longer tied to events, gifts, or things I buy. It is my natural disposition. Everything looks brighter and better these days, no matter what is going on in the world around me. My capacity for positivity has dramatically increased.
Peace. I know new depths of peace and tranquility I never thought possible. I don’t need to be in control of people, places, and things. I’m at peace accepting life on life’s terms and letting God, as I understand God, be in control. It’s a beautiful feeling!
Gratitude. I am grateful for the smallest of things— the tap, tap, tap of the rain, the songs of the birds, the gentle breeze on my face. I don’t need a lot of outward “success” to make me feel grateful. I’ve got plenty in my life every minute of every day. The deep-seated satisfaction it brings is priceless.
I know who I am. I was a broken, lost soul before benzo withdrawal. The benzo masked my feelings and my ability to heal from my past traumas. Withdrawal was the perfect cocoon for me to grow and transform in. Yes, it was a tough and challenging chapter in my life, but I am thankful now for the experience, for it gave me back to my truest self, the self I was always meant to be.
Not much ruffles my feathers. I used to confuse drama with happiness— I honestly didn’t know how to go about my life without some crisis to define it. Now I’ve learned to roll with the punches. I don’t get caught up in drama nor do I create it or invite it as I did years ago.
I’ve gained so much! Yes, I lost a great many things in benzo withdrawal. The losses were at times staggering. But I’ve gained so much more. I’ve gained the things that matter: love, respect, serenity, happiness, and health. I love myself. I love others. I have an appreciation for all of life, including the spider that lives in my bathroom window. All of life is precious and miraculous. I understand compassion now and feel it’s warmth all throughout my heart and soul. Compassion has improved my health in so many ways.
Life after benzo withdrawal is the best life! It’s richer, fuller, happier, and healthier. You too, are going to recover from benzo withdrawal. You will get your life back, and if you keep your heart open and embrace the four cornerstones of well-being (eat right—WFPB), move enough, stress less, and love well, you will get back more than you can imagine. You will become the best version of yourself: wiser, happier, and healthier. You will gain more than you’ve lost.
Keep healing my friends. You’re on the incredible journey to the best there is— the best you, the best life, ever.
(Want to watch the video version of this post? https://youtu.be/q6ObDxnCRgQ)
If you need help, please don’t hesitate to reach out. You may want to consider joining my life support group, Mornings With Jenn, for encouragement, education, and compassion.
Jennifer,
I could have written this article! I’m not quite fully recovered, like you. But I’m just doing so much better and just have the occasional wave (I call them setbacks). I was also prescribed a benzo and took it according to directions for 26.5 years. Ummm … yeah. I was cold-turkeyed off the benzo while I was inpatient at a behavioral health hospital for depression. That was about 50 months ago. Fifty?! I can’t believe it. I had one window at about 6 months and then I didn’t have another window for about 2.5 years. But I’m here to say that I’m so happy I don’t take benzos (never again) and that I’m basically through the withdrawal. Life is amazing and wonderful. And, as bad as cold-turkey was I’m not sure going through months to years of tapering is that much better.
Thank you for your encouraging words that helped me so much in my darkest hours.
Debbie
I am glad to hear that you are doing better! Some of us do take longer than others, but we do heal. Tapering has its own issues, for sure, but a cold turkey can bring with it an increased risk of serious withdrawal symptoms and more intense ones. It’s not the recommended method for getting Benzo free, but some of us went that route, for better or for worse. I don’t recommend it. Keep healing! The blessings will continue to come your way.
Jennifer you never cease to amaze me. You’re a beautiful soul, and a tremendous writer. I often think about all the conversations we’ve had over the last few years. Speaking of, approaching 3 years next month. Yahoo! Not out of the dog house yet, but you’ve delivered a plethora of soul food along the way, and for that, I’m grateful.
Time to weather the storm (snow storm), and do some snowboarding.
Chat soon!
With love,
Mike
I have been off Benzos since Nov. 2020. atm my life is hell.
You will get better. It takes time. Take good care of yourself. Congrats on being benzo free!
I love you too, my friend. Keep going. You’ve been though so much, and you keep shining bright!
aww, thank you, nicest e mail message I have gotten in a long time. Thank you..many blessings your way
Hey Jennifer! I’m in the process of quitting benzodiazepine and antidepressants! I have taken it since more than 2 and a half years. My dose has always been 0.25 mg or 0.5 mg. 1 mg of clonazepam for one month max and then again reduced to 0.25 mg. I wanted to quit them, i have become so emotionally numb and i don’t t feel and enjoy things like i used to before. So i went to psychiatrist to help quit my medicines. And My doctor right away told me to quit 0.25 mg clonazepam which I’ve been taking since more than 1 year without any adjustments in dose. He laughed when i asked if we could taper it down to 0.125 mg and then quit. He prescribed me Etilaam 1.5 mg cr which is similar to Benzo to help with anxiety as I was also quitting my antidepressants! When i tried to quit, i had soo weird feeling and thought almost lost my mind. But then, on my own i tapered it down to 0.125 mg rather than quitting right away from 0.25 mg!! And now I’m taking 0.125 mg dose on alternative days. I’m having many withdrawal problems! I saw your list and i had many of them!! I’m not sure what exactly i should do now!!!! Should i follow my doctor’s advice for quitting antidepressants after quitting my benzo completely? He prescribed me another kinda benzo, i don’t know what to do!!!!
I’ve just found your blog, and you make me so hopeful Jennifer. I CT’d off Valium under a very unscrupulous doctor. I now have a wonderful female GP helping me who is so kind and understanding (I’m continuing CT as reinstatement at this stage would not be of any benefit – it’s been a good while). I have to say I felt lost until I found your beautiful and inspiring words. I joined Benzo Buddies but it frightened me very badly in a short time from being there, and the awful stories of how I would never recover in response to my posts because i’d CT’d. I loved your post about watching the bird in your garden especially – I have bird friends who visit my feeders daily and I hope to be able to grow my own wings and fly again too. Much love and thanks for the work that you do.