Recently I was asked what I would do differently if I had to do benzo withdrawal over again, knowing what I know now. What an excellent question! First, I should say that I am not sure would do anything differently because the outcome of my recovery was amazing. I was transformed into the person I always dreamed I could be. I’m not sure I would have gotten here had the road and the lessons been any easier. But having said that, there certainly were things I could have done to have lessened my suffering. I’ll share those with you so that they can perhaps lessen your suffering.
If I had to do it over again I would ignore the advice of the doctor who told me to cut my 1 mg. of clonazepam by one quarter every week. To think that I could get off of my medication in a month was ridiculous. I managed to cut out one half of my dose in that time but it came at a tremendous price. It set me up for the nightmare that followed. Instead, I would have listened to and trusted the benzo community and started tapering very, very, slowly.
I DEFINITELY wouldn’t have up-dosed. Nor would I have cold turkeyed. My up-dose kindled me (if you don’t know about kindling, read this post) and the cold-turkey shocked my brain and plunged me into a hell I can’t even begin to describe. Live and learn.
I would have forgone the hospital stay I had at five-months free, and the one at my three-year wave. The doctors and staff knew absolutely nothing about benzo withdrawal and their care was not helpful and at times it was hurtful. For me, it was a waste of money that caused frustration and hardship.This is not to say that we should avoid all medical care or hospitalizations, but for me, it wasn’t helpful. Instead of going inpatient, I would have asked a family member to take me in and care for me. I struggled with the daily necessities of life living on my own. (I went days without showering, brushing my teeth, and at times, without food. I was too sick to stand up.)
I would not have pushed myself. I taught a class at Standford University when I was two and a half years off. I desperately needed to feel that I was back to my intelligent, creative, confident self, but it was way too soon. I know that may scare some of you to think that two and a half years isn’t enough time to jump back into life. But for some of us, it is too soon. Accepting life on life’s terms goes a long way towards our healing and recovery.
I would not have driven across the country in three and a half days by myself. (Way too much stress for my still healing CNS.)
I would not have invested so much time in looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. You know, the magical cure that would either dramatically shorten the time I spent recovering or an instant cure. Nothing takes away benzo withdrawal. Time is the only cure. The body heals itself. I researched, tried various supplements, even other meds, in hopes that somehow, someway, I’d be better. I wasn’t. And often, I was made worse. Much, much, worse.
I would not talk so much about benzo withdrawal if I had to do it all over again. For many of us, withdrawal consumes our every waking thought. It’s a benzo withdrawal symptom, actually, so it’s hard to avoid. However, we can be mindful of how much we share with others, and we can do our best to make space to be fully present for others.
I would have tried to trust the process more, rest, not worry or future trip, and do my best to be grateful for every moment, even the horrific, terror-filled, painful, scary, moments. I’d do my best to roll with the punches, say “Thank you, God,” more often, and be as happy as possible, even in my suffering. I’d feel less sorry for myself, or at least try!
If I could go back in time I’d rewind all the way to the afternoon I walked out of Dr. Robertson’s office with a prescription in my hand. Instead of agreeing to take a benzo for my panic attacks, I’d say, “No thank you. Those pills are poison,” and I’d find another way to deal with the issues that drove me to see him. In fact, I wouldn’t have seen a doctor at all. I’d have found a more holistic and spiritual way to deal with my issues. And, I’d certainly have gotten my ass into a chair at A.A. sooner. My wine drinking only exacerbated my original anxiety and once on a benzo, it increased the side-effects and the tolerance withdrawals.
More than anything, I would have fallen in love myself far sooner than I did. It wasn’t until I truly understood the healing power of love that I began to cobble myself and my life back together again in a way that was *amazing*.
I pray I never have to do benzo withdrawal over again. My setback last summer was enough of a dip back into acute withdrawal that I ever want to experience. But I know that by practicing extreme self-care, the chances of another setback are very slim. My GABA receptors are healing, and my CNS is settling down. I believe that the next decades in my life are going to be extraordinary. Why? Because I’m determined to co-create with God, an extraordinary life. I deserve one. YOU DO TOO! Keep healing, my friends. Keep healing. Life will become incredibly sweet, in time.
I would like to meet you in person for a Counseling session. Where do you live?
Thanks for sharing. My response may be off comment but here it goes. I’m prescribed stimulants for ADD and Xanax for anxiety. I’ve always had issues with feeling discontent and disconnected. Now that I reflect, the side effects from the scripts have me on a rollarcoaster. Most of the time, I only take the Xanax. I find myself lazy, aloof, simply existing. Recently, I’ve taken up drinking. Sometime I crave it which frightens me. Where do I start this journey to change? It seems like a losing battle juggling life and experiencing the ‘jump out of your skin’ feeling in the absence of Xanax.
At this point, I feel hopeless. I’m literally existing in autopilot…..Not living at all.
My office is in Nevada City, California. You can read more about my work there at injennifersgarden.com
I’m sorry to hear that you feel so bad. It’s not at all uncommon, however, when one is on a benzo to feel the way you do. IF I were in your shoes I’d start with going to AA. You can find meetings in your area by googling. I’d then start educating myself about benzos. Join benzobuddies.org and/or visit baylissa.com. Both are excellent resources. I’d find a doctor who could help me taper off. If I can be of any help, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’ve been where you are. I too, craved alcohol, and AA was my answer. I cherish my sobriety. You will too, in time.
Thank you! I have one question…. can’t find some of your old blogs which I really want to read again. One is When joy and happiness return and the other was about letter S… from shame to superhero or something like that. I think they were written in 2017 February or March. Thank you again for wonderful advices ❤️
Thank you so much for this… I’m 5 years out (after an 11 month taper) and still incredibly physically and cognitively disabled, yet continuing to make slow but lasting improvements. Unfortunately, most information on benzo recovery is meant for those having an easier experience, or for those who are recovering at much faster rates. Believe me, I never, ever, EVER would have thought that I’d be 5 years out and still unable to work a job, take walks, clean the house, or to care for my basic needs. But here I am. This is the first benzo related article I’ve read in a long time that felt relevant and helpful to me, and I’m very grateful for it. I’m very much looking forward to meeting my healed self someday, and I do believe that when that happens, this will all seem necessary and worthwhile… including the many mistakes. Anyway, thanks so much for sharing…. much love to you!
I am sorry to hear that at five years out you are still not well. It does happen, for some of us. (And that truth scares a lot of people, I know.) But I do know that you will get well. In time. Your CNS won’t stay fragile and excitable forever. Keep going. You will be beyond amazed and thrilled at how good your life will be when this is behind you. And remember too, that your life is good right now, it just isn’t the life that you know you are capable of. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us here. Appreciated.
Have you done a search for them in the archives? I hope that they didn’t get lost in the shuffle when the site was down. I’ll do my best to see if I can find that later today.
found it! https://benzowithdrawalhelp.com/2017/03/02/when-love-joy-and-happiness-return/
Yay… coudnt find when I search on month… strange! I searched several times.
If I search word Joy, I find blog but not in Archive under Month March 2017. But I am happy to find it! Thank you 🙂
As always…thank you, and thank you for finding your way back to us.
You are most welcome! I have so much love in my heart for this community that I have to help. When I was so sick last summer, I really thought I couldn’t hear any more suffering. But, I got well, and my heart tugged at me. I know that my story helps people. And I want EVERYONE to get to recovery. It’s so good on this side. Thank you for your sweet note!
You are very welcome. Hope it helps and gives you hope!
Hello Jennifer. I looked for your site for months and finally gave up. I was reading your old success story on BB and I followed a link and found you today,again! I’m 45 months benzo free and still suffering. But I will never give up and I will now be following you again for encouragement. Thanks for all you do!
You are so welcome. I am grateful that my setback is fading off into the distant sunset. Better days are here, with wonderful days ahead. My life is fairy tale amazing at the moment. I have to pinch myself to remind myself I am not dreaming, things are that good. They will be that good for you too, in time. Keep healing my friend. Glad you found me again.