On good days, I was able to walk to the produce market a half a block away. I was so weak and dizzy and wracked with pain that I wasn’t always able to make the journey. But it wasn’t the hazards of walking that were the hardest to cope with. It was the paranoia. I could barely bring myself to choose any of the produce because I was convinced most of it had poison on it. If I cooked it and ate it, I would surely die. The dark green leafy vegetables were the hardest to buy—all of those nooks and crannies where nefarious spores and bacteria could hide!
When I say I was paranoid, I don’t mean I had a bit of a twinge of an ominous thought. I mean I had a complete and utter wave of fear and terror pass through me. It was all I could do to not drop my shopping basket and run home. (Who am I kidding? I could hardly walk, let alone run!) I’d pick out some produce, put it into my basket, sure that I was going to die from eating it. It was a horrible time in my recovery, to say the least.
Many people develop paranoia in benzo withdrawal. It’s exceptionally common. It’s also one of the more challenging symptoms to cope with. The fear and suspicions seem so real! I’ve talked to people from all over the world who have shared with me how paranoia showed up in their withdrawal. Many are convinced people are watching them, judging them, or out to get them. Others are convinced that they will be (like me) poisoned or will catch some strange virus or infection. Some of us will develop some OCD type thoughts and behaviors along with the paranoia. Thankfully, the paranoia and the OCD thoughts/behaviors are temporary. They go away as the brain heals.
We can also develop a paranoia about anything we think might rev up our symptoms. We avoid foods, people, places, things,and actions that we worry may bring on a wave. We are, for the most part, afraid of everything! It’s no wonder! With downregulated GABA receptors, there isn’t anything to inhibit our fear circuitry. Another way our paranoia may present itself is that we see “signs” in common events. We begin to have magical thinking to some degree. I can remember thinking that XZY would happen if the third car that drove by my house were red, for example. Total nonsense! And I knew it was nonsense, but there was little I could do to control it. The best I could do was to neutrally observe it. I had to remind myself, over and over and over again, that my strange fears, phobias, and paranoia were all generated from benzo withdrawal. They were not going to be in my life forever.
Like most benzo withdrawal symptoms. Paranoia is on a spectrum. Some people get hit hard (like me) and some people are only mildly affected, while some never feel it. No matter what the degree of paranoia you have, it will resolve. I now walk happily to the market and pick out produce without any thoughts of doom. My fearful relationship with food (and many other things) doesn’t cross my mind except when I’m sharing my recovery story. You probably won’t be traumatized by the fear and paranoia you feel now, either. The best coping tool is to just observe your paranoia. Don’t judge it. Don’t run from it. Don’t allow your irrational thoughts to have the uppoer hand. I had to push myself to buy food that my benzo brain said was poisoned, but I did it! I didn’t alow the fear to run my life.
I’m aware that sharing our stories of irrational fear, phobias, and paranoia can make us feel vulnerable. People who have not had to heal from the brain damage that benzodiazpines can cause don’t understand. We may be negatively judged. It’s up to you to decide how much you want to share your recovery process with people who don’t understand. But I assure you, that I understand. I lived through benzo withdrawal and I recovered. I know that you will, too! Your paranoia is just a part of the process.
Thank you Jennifer, you are my inspiration to get through this. And I will. Thank you for your many posts, I look forward to reading them.
Jackie
Edinburgh Scotland x x
Jennifer, thank you again for helping us deal with these unbelievable symptoms. Now that you bring it up I realize that I have been experiencing some mild paranoia, but with my benzo-blurred mind there are things happening that I don’t even realize. I’m grateful that the paranoia is not too serious, but even so, it is weird, but so is my entire life during withdrawal. Dan
Hi Jenn,
Thanks again for your blog. I remember being terrified that all the people close to me were going to die. Children, husband, siblings……I would pray and pray whenever they went out that they would return safely.
I was also convinced that I had a severe autoimmune disease and all sorts of other diseases.
Before benzos, I had overcome a fear of skiing, by learning to ski. But after benzos, I am afraid of the slopes again. I’m terrified that I will have a bad fall and need medication …….even now, when I am so much better than I was, I feel anxious instead of excited when I put my skis on.
In many ways, we have to re-learn things after withdrawal. We have to go through the process of building up our confidence and our abilities again. We have to conquer the fear that is always with us in withdrawal….
Jen, I could have written this myself. I’ve only just developed this paranoia 6/7 months ago. For that I should be grateful seeing as far off I am. I’m aware it’s another phase of healing but gosh it’s hard. Sadly my paranoia is extreme. I really hope and pray it doesn’t linger much longer?!
Hugs. Xx
Thanks again Jennifer for a great post. I haven’t had a hugh amount of paranoia but like Annie stated I have a lot of fear that something is going to happen to those I love which I guess is a type of paranoia. She mentioned something that gave rise to a question I have for you. She stated that she worried about having a ski accident and needing medicine. I wondered if you could post one day about the caution we need to have in the future in needing certain medicines and medical procedures, most specifically the need to have an operation and fear of being administered a benzo for pre-surgery. I wonder how many people going through withdrawal are even aware of the possibility of this. I can deal with the withdrawal because I know it will for the most part be over with one day. However, I have a lot of fear worrying about needing surgery in the future and having to decide to have it and deal with the symptoms coming back or not to have surgery. This weighs on my mind a lot and I wonder if this is more fear due to the withdrawal or not and will I be able to deal with this better after I am totally recovered? I know you mentioned once that we could suggest to you things that we would like for you to blog on and would appreciate it and think others would like your feedback on this issue.
I had the same fear. What would happen if I needed surgery? Like all the other fears in bwd, that fear went away. I don’t think about it at all. I wear a medical ID bracelet as a precaution in case I am in an accident. As your brain heals, you will most likely not have the fear or worries. There are anesthesias that you can be given that are not benzos. Many people have had surgery post withdrawal and do just fine!
The reason I asked is because I have a bone spur on my big toe that needs surgery and my doctor told me that administering a benzo for pre surgery was necessary and he would not operate without it and he knew of no other alternative to the benzo?!?!?! He is a highly reputable and sought out surgeon in my area so I assumed he was right. Do you possible know of the alternative drug that could be used or was used in the cases you have mentioned? Thanks so much.
Surgery , wow I walked out the front of my unit and got attacked by wasps fell over and dislocated by shoulder , that was 3 days ago this morning I went to stretch as u woke and popped my shoulder out again , couldn’t get in back in so had to get an ambulance to the ER , told them I was in benzo withdraws and refused opioids so they gave me some whistle thing and gas to relax the muscles so the dr could relocate my shoulder. , now I’m scared that it’ll happen again , with 2 discs blown in my back , my poor mom dying if cancer , full blown benzo withdrawal and still taking 1.5 of klonopin and living by myself , I’m wondering how much more of this I can take , how much stress can one take
I too have ignored all my friends because I don’t want to be seen by anyone and everything upsets me , I mean everything can’t seem to have normal conversation with people because nothing makes sense ,, derealisation is herendous and feel like I have psychosis especially when I try and have a bps during the days , it’s straight to hell when the eyes close , sorry for the rant but it really feels like Satan is living in my brain .
Jennifer is it normal to still be in high terror/fear/paranoïa 30 month off benzos ? Am realy worry at this stage that anxiety is debilating and not human at all 🙁
Dave, no apology is necessary. First of all I sympathize with all the physical issues you are having to endure. Secondly. your last paragraph, as I read it, just rang so true to what I am going through. In that aspect, you helped express what I am suffering. It was not a rant, but a clear explanation of benzo withdrawal. We are all together in this nightmare.
Dan
I can relate.
But what if you had some of these fears BEFORE. It’s like benzo w/d is bringing out the VERY worst in me. Before I could laugh at my health anxiety ( due to chronic pain for 8 years where benzos were used as treatment) and medical PTSD.
Now, I am still tapering etc but I try my best to use STOP STOP STOP technique to protect myself from these thoughts. I am afraid I will get the flu ( i have small kids so it’s not irrational), I clean like crazy, sanitize etc. I never was like this before kids. I hate living like this but my immune system is genuinely compromised so it’s a balance of how much do you give in to your fears that actually based in reality. Sorry for the ramble. All to say I can relate. MY main fears are around death, dying, illness, and psychosis or nerve pain that is permanent. Blah blah blah!
Dan
How do you cope with this , we I close my eyes and try and have a nap it’s All Hell , I can’t relax because the visions and thoughts are so inhumane and unreal , it’s like being on a bad trip we you close your eyes , and all everyone ever says is , you know what’s happening , just deal with it . I feel like I don’t even know my father anymore and that everyone has had it with me , nobody wants to know you and u feel as if everyone thinks your a nutcase
Do you have anything that helps combat this , exercise , diet , etc . I’m so depressed I can barely eat can’t be bothered exercising , especially when it’s so so hot in the middle of summer where I am , the heat is killing me , literally , day after day of brutal heat .
Totally dis functional and see no light at the end of this tunnel !
Dave how many month off and how did you taperred ? What dosage and wich benzo ?
Pil
Not off was taken off 8 Mgs of xanax after 6 years abuse , told to switch to 20mg valium and get off over a month , went completely insane and paranoid was put in mental house for 2 weeks
Been on valium for a year now and ATM on 1.5 Mgs of klonopin and every time I try to reduce all hell breaks loose ,
Just tried to have afternoon nap , haha – no way , straight into hell , close my eyes the demons come , just thought I was being run over by a large boat , omg what the hell is going on in by brain !!!!
Yeah so there you go
Thoughts ??
Yeah I’m probably way under medicated but the so called addiction specialist put me on 20mg of valium over a year ago and I’ve been in hell ever since , up and down on doses for a year , all the so called specialist say I have to stay
Yeah definately under medicated but was put on 20 Mgs of valium over a year ago and have been up and down on doses for over a year , the so called specialists say I have to get of the 1.5 klonopin from here , if I go really high on klonopin I get to tired and can’t move , I’ve been messing around on doses and have never stabilised so I don’t know what to do , Jennifer has stated that every time one ups their dose it makes it even harder to come off , but I’m completely mental at the moment and feel really stuck , so I don’t know what to do or where to go as there is nowhere for us benzo sufferers , truly feel trapped with no support , the worst is losing your relationships with your family , my father has no idea even though I’ve tried to explain things a million times , he just thinks I’m depressed and I don’t even know who he is anymore ,treats me the same as if I were not in withdrawal and yells at me for being negative all the time , I just wanted to strangle him today as he always seems to make me feel worse , not his fault but so frustrating !
How do u suggest getting past these issues ?
Jennifer
How were you able to drive in w/d I’m scared ••••less about driving , actually scared of everything even a roast chicken from the supermarket , so depressed that can barely do anything and obsessing about death everyday , like you were , it’s absolute hell , can’t find one piece of enjoyment , tried listening to music that was my life b4 this benzo hell now can’t listen to a song , freaks me out to much all the diffrent sounds scare me , I was a musician and could write songs easily now can’t out four chords together , how do you find peace when everything scares the hell out of you. ??
I’m not a Christian and I know you are and have found love through god , how did this come to you and how has god helped you ? Thanks
Dave. Please don’t let other people discourage you. You desperately need a life line right now to pull you through this….God… other people that have gone thru this… something that will keep you on the right track to recovery. I know it’s hell on earth now but you have to listen to others suggestions and road to recovery. We are not dangerous people, just struggling like you are and wanting the best for us all. I know it’s tempting to reinstate but as Jennifer says Kindling just makes it worse. If there is any way that you can cut off people like your father that just cannot and never will understand what you are going through would be best…you don’t need the extra stress. Something I would suggest that really helped me was to go to the first of Jennifer’s blog and read everything from start up til now. You will see that she was in a really bad way for years but did survive and has a good life now. You Have to have support and know that there is life After this hell called withdrawal. My prayers are with you always.
Phil
I don’t claim to know much but I do know support from others who are going through the same thing is a great comfort. As with anything in life there is the good and the bad. Sure, there is a lot of bad advise out there but you have to listen to it all to find the good…what other choice do we have??? Sure some people take longer due to high dosages, CT, etc but we have to do the best with our particular circumstances. What’s done is done and blaming others will not help your situation going forward. I have heard of people that reinstate and micro taper ……it’s not a one shoe fits all people. Maybe at this point it would be best if you reinstate and micro taper since you don’t think what you are doing is good for you. Unfortunately there is not the medical support out there to help us so all we can do is the best with what tools we have. If you can’t find a dr with the knowledge to help you I would suggest getting the Ashton Manual as a guide for Valium tapering. You probably don’t have the support you need from family and friends, most of us don’t. That’s why I still think the knowledge and support we can get on Some forums is invaluable, otherwise why are you on this one…just curious. My heartfelt prayers are with you in this journey.
Hello, I’ve deleted Pil’s comments that you responded to. Not because he disagreed with me, but due to the anger and swearing. For the record, if anyone wants to leave a comment on my website you are free to do so. You can disagree with me, that’s fine. But I do insist that everyone is kind, polite, and respectful. People in benzo withdrawal are easily stressed, and no one needs to read a rant that is filled with anger. Thank you.
Thank you Jennifer, I agree with why you deleted his posts. He made me feel very uncomfortable and I had never had that sensation on this blog, which is why I like it so much! Dan
Let me be clear why I tell people that reinstating could be a bad idea. I’ve worked with people who were far out from their last dose and suffering terribly. They decided to reinstate to do a micro-taper. They got stable for a while, but then tolerance hit and they were SICKER than before they reinstated. I’ve known people who gave up and ended their lives at that point. Reinstatement doesn’t always work. It’s a gamble. I’ve never told anyone that they CAN’T reinstate. I tell them it’s a GAMBLE. There are some people who have reinstated and been okay. Everyone is different. We know that. No one can tell anyone if reinstatement will work for them or not. I can’t. A doctor can’t. Another benzo survivor can’t. I wish our recovery was more straight forward. But it isn’t. We do the best we can with what we’ve got. We make our decisions and take the responsiblity for the outcomes. No one is forcing anyone to remain in a cold turkey state or to reinstate. Those decisions we make for ourselves, after calculating the risks.
any males out there who suddenly lost their ability to urinate? this hap to me on dec 18th –of course i went to e room and they catherized me to get the urine out –then many trips and tests to urologists who told me ” i dont know why you cant urinate.no bph no stricture…. ithink you need to speak to a psychiatrist”'” told the dr i took clonopin for 20 yrs and am /1 -2 yrs out and still suffering with mainly physical symptoms i never had depression fear dr/dp etc anyway my bladder wont empty.. anyone???
But jennifer how long off were those personns ? And how long did they wait before taperring again for tolérance to already set in ? Because i dont realy see the point to still be so sick in accute state 30 month later without any windows in 30 month. Seem to be clear to me that its purely ridiculous and only a waste of years
No one is telling you that you can’t make the decision to reinstate and do a slow taper. I’m only sharing with you the knowledge that I’ve learned from talking to so many people around the world. Reinstatement doesn’t always work. Ashton speaks to this concern as well. It’s suggested that after 30 days off, (1 month) it is best to not reinstate. The people I’ve spoken to who have reinstated were at varying times in recovery. Some were a few months out, and some were more than a year. What generally happened was that they got some relief and they were thrilled, but within weeks, they were back to where they were before they reinstated. Now they had the same symptoms and were back on the drug. A lot gave up hope. But some didn’t hit tolerance and had an easier time with their taper. Everyone is different. Only you can decide if you want to continue as you’ve been doing, or to reinstate in the hopes that a micro taper will alleviate your withdrawal symptoms.
How does everyone get through this crippling exhausting destructive depression , knowing that your in for years of hell and that every mistake one has made in the past multiplies by 1000
You don’t know how long your recovery will take. You simply live your life today, in the moment. And you practice gratitude for everything.
I do agree with Dr Jenn on reinstating… It is a gamble.. most everyone I know who had reinstated including my fiance had relief for like 2 months and was tossed back into a much worse hell than before… I am almost 48 months off from my CT of benzos and I am still very ill… Many physical and still some mental stuff remains… I have severe stiff muscles that won’t let up and ringing in my ears and head pressure… But there is no way I could ever go back on them again. The only way out is through and time alone heals… Good diet and taking care of our sleep and thoughts helps as well. I was on these benzos for 30 years and kindled in and out of detoxes 8 times… Then I was poly drugged with all sorts of other psych drugs which made me more I’ll… Listen to Dr Jenn and those that have made it through such as Don Killian… We Do Heal and We DO recover. Scott Hart… Many blessings to us all who suffer daily… Trusting in HIM…. God Bless.
Wishing you and your fiance a quick recovery Scott. I know you’ve helped so many people on this journey. Thank you.
48 mths off and your still sick and now your back has blown , oh my god !! What happened at the detox centres and what happened when you CT. ?