I grew up in a Christian household—Sunday School, vacation Bible school, Christmas, and Easter were all a part of my formative years. I believed in God although I may not have lived my life with God at the center. But I had faith and was a good person. Then came benzo withdrawal. Everything about God was turned upside down and inside out. Like many people in benzo withdrawal, I had a tough time with existential angst and fear of God, eternity, etc. And I do mean fear: cold, hard, clutching fear that took my breath away and dropped me to the floor fear. I used to curl up in a fetal position and cry because I was terrified of God. Terrified of death. Terrified of eternity. To be honest, I was terrified of life! I used to pray, “God, where are you?” begging for relief, for some small comfort, but then cower in fear of an answer. Those were some of my darkest days in benzo withdrawal.
It’s not at all uncommon to suffer from fear of God. Or to feel that God is a million miles away, or that God doesn’t care about us. Even people who had a tremendous amount of faith before benzo withdrawal can’t always access that faith while in withdrawal. This lack of feeling God’s love in our lives, or trusting God, is a benzo symptom just like insomnia or intrusive thoughts are symptoms. It can be a very unsettling symptom as we feel so cut off from the real meaning of life, and life takes on a rather gruesome doom and gloom feel. Without faith, it is hard to shoulder on. But we must remember that God is there, always. God hasn’t abandoned us. It is just that our brains are chemically damaged from the benzo that we took and it is that damage that is causing us to not be able to feel connected (or loved) by God as we once did.
I’m happy to say that once my brain cobbled itself back together, my belief and faith in God as I understand God became much deeper and richer. I am so grateful to be out of benzo withdrawal that life feels precious and miraculous. I’m grateful for every second of it, and I take no part of it for granted. I can see how God used benzo withdrawal to polish me into the person I always wanted to be. Now my days are more God-focused. I’m not as religious as I used to be (religion is manmade) but I am far more in love with God as I understand God. My capacity for love, compassion, and accepting life on life’s terms, has grown immensely.
Don’t worry if you are struggling with existential angst. Don’t worry if you can’t feel God in your life, or if you are now afraid of God. Don’t worry if the world seems as if it is one big evil place or demonic. Most likely it is simply your “benzo brain” causing you such feelings (or beliefs) and once you are more healed, you’ll be able to once again see and feel the beauty and the joy in life. You’ll be able to be amazed at the miracle of our world and our lives. You’ll be able to feel God’s love and grace. If you are anything like me, your heart will crack open and you’ll feel an indescribable sense of peace and purpose. Life will be good again. I assure you.
(For those of you reading these words who don’t believe in God, in a Creator, that’s okay. This website is for you, too. Everyone is welcome here and I work with people from all faiths.)
You can’t claim to be inclusive when so much of your content is god-related. Many of us were atheists long before we were Benzo survivors. Your answers aren’t universal, by any means. I’m expected to accept the patronising statement that non-believers are welcome. That’s like saying other minorities are welcome, without acknowledging or understanding racism, sexism or classism. If we respectfully ask that god talk be kept at a minimum, we are still overwhelmed by hatred and condescension, to the point of being bullied. If you want christian theology to be part of your “healing process”, then by all means use your site for yourself, but don’t pretend you are being inclusive. Tell people up front that this is a “christian” site and let people choose to be part of it or not, instead of inundating us with religious messages that have no meaning for us. I stopped reading Jennifer’s post because of this issue, but this one appeared in my inbox this morning and I am painfully reminded that this division exists between us, preventing us from organizing against Pharma, as we can’t present a united front.
We are bound together in a unique “club” called benzodiazepine withdrawal. I believe, whatever your faith or spirituality is or isn’t, it shouldn’t be a factor in separating yourself from fellow survivors. Christianity and love of God is part of who Jennifer is. Her relationship with God was a big part of her withdrawal, just as severe child abuse memories have been a difficult part of mine. We are all part of this human experience and I chose to fight against big Pharma with everyone.
Jennifer, as you know from some of my past comments, this “existential fear” has been by far my worst symptom. I have never NOT believed in God until Benzo withdrawal. It turned me into an unwilling atheist. At 5 months out, everything I believed about God was taken from me in an instant. I had relied on God all my life for everything and talked to Him on a daily basis. I even thought He was going to take me through this process in record time. Not so. This has been the longest most frightening experience of my life. Everything you said is true. People who don’t believe in God at the onset of withdrawal would not experience this. You can’t lose something you never had. I am back in the “fear of God” mode again, and almost as bad as the first time, which has lasted 41 months. I experienced about a 70% drop in the fear a few months ago but now it’s back at 110%. I am hanging on because deep down I know God hasn’t deserted me, my brain just doesn’t know it yet. Many people who have recovered from Benzos say that the fear was the worst and last symptom to leave. That and anhedonia. “He that loveth not knoweth not God, for God IS love.” I, too, was raised in a Christian home. My dad was a minister. But now I am starting over, at 64 years old, to discover everything for myself. I think my foundation is still there to build on. I think I will truly be a “new creature” when all is said and done. Without God I have nothing to live for. He was my everything, and I’m trusting He will be again.Thank you for this post. It’s just the reminder I needed today. By the way, I now believe that religion is for people who are trying to escape hell. Spirituality is for those who have been there.
Her we go again..people can’t say God…anything else but God..well I’m here to say I love what you wrote Jen..if it wasn’t for having faith I wouldn’t be here through this craziness..and yes God uses pain to change us and help us have compassion for others…He changed me trough this all….i still cling on to Him!!! Sometimes He was all I had…!!! Keep writing about your faith it encourages me and I’m sure others..thx jen❤️
Jennifer is sharing her experience. I find it helpful because it makes this lonely process a little less lonely. Take what works and leave what doesn’t. She is under no obligation to tailor her experiences to our viewpoints! That would be impossible anyway. Thank you Jennifer, for continuing to be hopeful, and genuine and honest and holding a place in the sun for all of us.
I totally understand! I felt as if I was staring over as well. I had to let go of a lot of dogma that is in religion and think and feel for myself. It took me on a very challenging and frightening journey, but I ended up at a place of peace and happiness. I now consider my religion to be simply, Love. I trust that you will come to a place of truth for yourself, a place where you will feel connected to God as you understand God. The fear will go away, in time. The existential angst will fade away. Trust the healing process. Keep going. You will be a new creature as you say, when you are more healed. I love who I became, who God as I understand God, helped me to be.
I’m so glad that your faith is a comfort to you. My belief in God as I understand God is sure a comfort for me. I work the first three steps of the 12 steps of recovery every day, which means every day I give my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand God.
Thank you for your kind words. If my posts offend anyone, they are always free to opt out of receiving them in their inbox, or they can avoid my website. I can’t make everyone happy. I’ve learned that over the years. I write about what helped me and what I know about benzo withdrawal from the people I speak with from around the world. I want everyone to come out on the other side as happy and whole as I am.