I used to say I was “celebrating” the time away from my last benzo dose. I’m happy to be benzo free, but I am not celebrating. I seem to be stuck in trough of symptoms that refuse to budge. I do all I can to keep my head above water emotionally, but some days it takes every ounce of strength and surrender to do so.
THE LIST (in no apparent order):
Body tingles mostly 24/7 and painful at times
Feeling like I’m being crushed
Feeling pulled down
Severe muscle pain that travels all over body
Bone pain that travels
Joint that pain travels
Obsessive thoughts/looping thoughts
Back of head pain
Inflamed breast bone
Intense itching, often occurs in the middle of the night
Painful hands/stiff/dropping things
Crappy sleep/wake tired (not getting more than 2 hours back to back. about 5-6 hours total)
Lower back ache
Tension and pain in buttocks/hips
Can’t handle good or bad stress very well
I have improved quite a bit since my first year off, and for that I am grateful. However, the days are still hard to navigate sometimes. I still spend most of my days on my couch or in the garden as I can’t walk or drive very far.
Some afternoons I get a bit of a window and think that I am on the last leg of this healing journey. But then I go to bed and wake back up in the thick of it. It is very hard to face this day after day after day.
I am eating healthy, resting, not stressing too much, walking, gardening, hanging out with people I love, and getting as much sleep as my brain will allow. I am taking good care of myself.
With my whole heart I want to wake up one day and not have ANY of these symptoms. Or, at least wake up and 99% of them be gone. I realize I may always have tinnitus. The damage to the tiny nerves that cause it may not heal. That’s ok. I’ll live with it. But I sure hope the body stuff goes away. I have NO evidence to support thinking that it will, so I go on faith, the belief in things unseen.
That’s where it stands at 39 months out. I am a bit overwhelmed with how long it can take to recover from the damage done. When I started this journey in October 2010, I thought I would taper offer off and life would be better. I can honestly say that life isn’t better (not yet). I am still not as functional as I was even in tolerance. But the hope is that I recover and life does get better.
The best benzo advice I can give to anyone is: NEVER take one!
That’s all I have for today. Wish I could say I am healed. I am not. Still a long ways to go. or so it seems.