I used to say I was “celebrating” the time away from my last benzo dose. I’m happy to be benzo free, but I am not celebrating. I seem to be stuck in trough of symptoms that refuse to budge. I do all I can to keep my head above water emotionally, but some days it takes every ounce of strength and surrender to do so.
THE LIST (in no apparent order):
Ears ringing
Burning skin
Body tingles mostly 24/7 and painful at times
Feeling like I’m being crushed
Head pressure
Ear pressure
Feeling boaty
Feeling pulled down
Severe muscle pain that travels all over body
Bone pain that travels
Joint that pain travels
Woozy/dizzy sensations
Food sensitivities
Exercise intolerance
Obsessive thoughts/looping thoughts
Intrusive thoughts
Extreme fatigue
Cog Fog
Mood swings
Anxiety/depression
Nerve pain
Electric zaps
Chest pain
Back of head pain
Inflamed breast bone
Intense itching, often occurs in the middle of the night
Benzo belly
Painful hands/stiff/dropping things
Hot flashes
Weakness
Crappy sleep/wake tired (not getting more than 2 hours back to back. about 5-6 hours total)
Fear/startle response
Burning spine
Lower back ache
Tension and pain in buttocks/hips
Low motivation
Can’t handle good or bad stress very well
I have improved quite a bit since my first year off, and for that I am grateful. However, the days are still hard to navigate sometimes. I still spend most of my days on my couch or in the garden as I can’t walk or drive very far.
Some afternoons I get a bit of a window and think that I am on the last leg of this healing journey. But then I go to bed and wake back up in the thick of it. It is very hard to face this day after day after day.
I am eating healthy, resting, not stressing too much, walking, gardening, hanging out with people I love, and getting as much sleep as my brain will allow. I am taking good care of myself.
With my whole heart I want to wake up one day and not have ANY of these symptoms. Or, at least wake up and 99% of them be gone. I realize I may always have tinnitus. The damage to the tiny nerves that cause it may not heal. That’s ok. I’ll live with it. But I sure hope the body stuff goes away. I have NO evidence to support thinking that it will, so I go on faith, the belief in things unseen.
That’s where it stands at 39 months out. I am a bit overwhelmed with how long it can take to recover from the damage done. When I started this journey in October 2010, I thought I would taper offer off and life would be better. I can honestly say that life isn’t better (not yet). I am still not as functional as I was even in tolerance. But the hope is that I recover and life does get better.
The best benzo advice I can give to anyone is: NEVER take one!
That’s all I have for today. Wish I could say I am healed. I am not. Still a long ways to go. or so it seems.
I’m sorry you feel this way. I have a lot of the same symptoms as you. I was only on 1mg of Ativan for 3 years. Started having severe anxiety and nerve symptoms. Dr. Suggested I get off the Ativan. I was in such ha bad mental state I went to rehad to get off because I was scared. I’ve had a bunch of test done trying to figure out what is wrong with me. 3 MRI and tons of blood work with nothing coming up. I have been off for 6 months. Mental symptoms are much better but the body stuff is relentless. Hard for me to believe it’s the benzos with being on such a small amount. I was wondering why alcoholics don’t seem to have such bad symptoms when it effects the same part of the brain. I did not meet anyone in rehab who was feeling like me at all. I was on fire from head to toe twitching and hardly able to walk. It was a nightmare. I’ve just resent lay gone back to work 2 days 6 hrs. I pray everyday for this shut to leave completely too! I look forward to your posts everyday. I hope you start feeling better. I will be praying for all of us!
Im sorry Jennifer : ( Its a toll on the body. Like all of those symps..i wailed throughout the night n to God..Y n not fair kinda thing..thought im doing a bit better accepting but..wasnt tryn to but thought good if i face another 2..I had my cat put asleep last yr..next month a yr she’ll b gone..hard in beginning of w/ds n put on a cd i couldnt listen 2 soft music..reminded me of her..im ok im ok i told myself n then..better result than i expected yet..body sensitive emotionally still..Text a friend n help some n got going w/the day..but..AGREE w/”dont Ever take them!!” I knew deep down not to b4 I gave in..didn’t listen to my instincts..now more aware of them. I keep tryn n accepting..u do all u can to survive..been doing chores half hr to hr n then done til mayb another day..hard to balance daily n social..Don wrote it does get better..go thru the motions..Nice u n all r there 2 help see n keep at it. Sad when I hear of those who gave up or died : ( Like u wrote b4..no make up etc..I stopped coloring(want to see what natural color I have tho the greys r there..) my hair as I feel I fell into superficial. Thank you for sharing n all. Prayers 4 u Jennifer n all to get to that full heaing.
Oops; “full heaLing”
Hi Jennifer,
Thank you for sharing. It is really amazing how much damage can be done. I am shocked to be experiencing acute symptoms at month 10, although my detox Dr told me this is as roller coaster ride and not to be surprised. The most distressing are the 24/7 hot flashes. My cycle has also been hi-jacked. I have not had perimenopause yet either. Right now it’s 78 outside and I have a sweat shirt on which I will be ripping off in 5min due to a hot flash. This has been going on since late July, also with no sleep. I am determined to find God in this. I have had amazing relief from the mental symptoms, but getting slammed with this makes me weary. Hang in there for all of us. We want to celebrate with you.
So very sorry, Jenn! Wish I could help!
I tapered off Ativan–the dosage, not large, taken not that long, via Valium after reading Ashton. It’ll be a yr. this Oct.
(Had been prescribed Xanax 20 + yrs. back and Ativan 2 yrs. later. Docs cold turkeyed me off both).
The site that guided my taper (before I knew of this site) told me to make tiny frequent cuts and that worked for me. Nevertheless, it took 10 1/2 hellish months!
Ashton provided knowledge and hope, but I soon learned that her astute critics railed against her so-called ‘Slow Taper’ Method. In my experience, her suggested cuts were way too large, too infrequent, jolting and impossible! Maybe it was my age!
I devised a method of dry cuttimg safely and slowly. And it worked. How do I feel? When I get 7 hrs. of sleep or more, even though very broken, I am fine. But enough sleep is quite a rarity.
Blessings!
Jennifer,Thankyou for your post,and listing your symptoms.Im so glad you keep your hope and faith through this!Nothing helps me more then to see that what im feeling is what others are going through too,and im not going crazy.You mentioned that you would tell others never to take a benzo.What I find very sad is I know two people on benzos who are having inter dose withdrawal symptoms,and I try and tell them what could be happening,but they make excuses because they don’t want to stop them.One has serious forgetfulness and shaking,but likes how they help them sleep and calms them down.Once the dose wears off,the side effects kick in big time for them,but I guess you cant make someone listen who doesn’t want to hear it.I think some people will always be lifetime users,and that’s so sad.
Jenn I can relate to every symptom you describe. Just want to add a few that you didn’t list. I have severe dry mouth and thick tongue. Ulcers in my mouth. I bite my tongue and lips and make them bleed. I have no motor skills or reflexes. My balance is horrible can’t stand still and have fallen so many times. The motion in my body won’t stop. My head is full of pressure and feels like my brain rolls in my skull…Plus all of the symptoms you mentioned. Total fear… Flight or fight….
This is hell on earth.. It’s hard sometimes to speak or have conversations. Can’t think of words and fumble my vocabulary. Anyway I’m 7 1/2 months klonopin free, 2 years tapering. I’ve really thought I’m insane.
No one wants to believe these symptoms are real… I pray for healing constantly. Just know that you are not alone……
Diane from Texas
Prayers of healing are lifted for you—-
Just keep remembering how much better you were in the spring than you were in that first year off. A lot of healing had taken place. If you got there once, you’ll get there again. I know it’s hard. I have to keep reminding myself of the same thing.
I’m still not as functional as I was in tolerance too.
How long are you off?
It’s really frustrating. I have a doctor friend who keeps encouraging me to reinstate so I can function again. He doesn’t see the long term issue with that. I must admit that some days I so want to take his advice just to stop the misery. But I can’t imagine the damage my poor brain would incur from reinstating. So I soldier on. It’s criminal that we are even in this position.