It’s been five years since I was able to fully enjoy celebrating Easter. I was too benzo sick. This year I still cope with bone pain, muscle pain, head pressure, weakness, fatigue, dizziness, tinnitus and some tingles, but I am capable of a fairly normal life. I’ve helped stuff 1,500 Easter eggs for a party my sister and I are throwing for friends and family. She and I have been cooking, cleaning, decorating for days. I’m tired but deeply content!
There was a time in my recovery when I gave up hope of ever having normal thoughts and feelings and being able to stand on my feet for a full day. I felt utterly defeated. I felt abandoned by God. How could he leave me alone to suffer such a cruel fate? It wasn’t until I was more healed that I realized He never left my side. God used my horrific withdrawal and recovery experience to turn me into the person I always wanted and hoped to be. For those of you still in the thick of suffering, it may be hard to understand that I am now grateful for benzo withdrawal.
I am grateful that I have a new life that is far more amazing than anything I could have ever imagined. There is a long list of close to miraculous things that have taken place in my life. Things that utterly amaze and astonish me. I relate in my own way to this verse: “Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.” (Romans 8:8) My life is full of God’s glory now!
If you are suffering in withdrawal, please know that God is holding you in his hands. Even though he may feel a million miles away, or non-existent, know that that feeling is a benzo symptom and will fade away like all the others. Trust that God is using this time of adversity in your life for the good. We aren’t able to understand God’s thinking or his ways. (Isaiah 55:8-9) We don’t have to. We only have to trust that in the end, our lives will be good again. (Romans 8:28) My life is so very, very good now!
I lived in utter hell for a very long time. I’ve been delivered. I can now celebrate this Easter year with an open heart, a calm and quiet mind, and a fairly strong body. I can celebrate that Jesus died on the cross for me, and he rose from the dead, so that we can have eternal life. In my own way, I’ve been resurrected too. I have been born again, lifted out of the blackness of benzo withdrawal. I have been made whole. I have been made new. Glory Hallelujah!