There are so many hallmark symptoms of benzo withdrawal: the tingles, burning, fatigue, dizziness, muscle pain, bone pain… the list goes on and on. The psychological symptoms are brutal, too: severe depression, off the charts anxiety, terror, de-realization, de-personalization, extreme paranoia… the list goes on and on.
One of the symptoms we all get sooner or later, is the sense of hopelessness. There doesn’t seem to be an end to our suffering. We feel we will be stuck in our fucked up, altered reality forever. The Groundhog day existence wears on the soul, waking up to endure the same suffering over, and over, and over, and over, and over again.
I was there. I dreaded going to bed at night. Dreaded having to wake up and face the laundry list of symptoms I suffered. I dreaded the fear, the terror, the looping thoughts, the intrusive thoughts, the obsessional thoughts… all that craziness that comes from the damage to the GABA receptors that benzos cause. I felt it would never, ever end. I knew I was permanently damaged, no matter that the people who had healed kept telling me I wasn’t. I didn’t believe them. How could I? I had zero evidence to support the theory that I was healing.
And then, I woke up one day and realized I was better. Not healed. But better. Life began to take on a new feel. Of course there were the “waves” of symptoms that would knock me off my feet, but the windows kept getting better and bigger. The hopelessness I felt finally gave up the ghost, just like the benzo veterans told me it would.
So I’m telling you now. This hopelessness you feel is part of withdrawal. It’s part of recovery. It’s a lie your brain tells you, because your brain is damaged and can’t cobble together a positive thought if it wanted to right now. But wait. Give it time. It will be able to think positive thoughts, feel joy and happiness, and enjoy crazy creativity again.
As I put together the “Field Trip”, the resilience research trip I’m taking, I can honestly say I am brimming with hope. Brimming with joy. I’m full of wonder and curiosity again. And the good news is, I am better than pre-benzos. I’m sober, I’m not scared of life anymore. I’m not feeling broken or ashamed from the abuse of my past. I’m about as solid as I have ever been. Pretty cool, don’t you think, after years of living in benzo withdrawal hell? Even cooler? You are going to join me on this side of the pain. I can’t wait to welcome you.
Keep fighting. Keep holding on. Stay alive. Every moment of every day, your brain is doing its best to recover from the damage the benzos have caused. Cheer it on!
The hopelessness fades away and something darn near spectacular takes its place.
Just don’t give up. Okay? Promise Me?
I’ll be posting from the road in January. I can’t wait to meet as many of you as I can. I will be honored to listen to your stories. Jennifer
I cannot begin to tell you how much this means to me to read your comments on withdrawal. It is life changing for me, because at 3 yrs. off, I feel SO hopeless. I feel I will never recover, and you give me such hope. I appreciate you so much. Thank you, Jenn!!!!
Groundhog Day!!! Couldn’t have put it better myself!!
4 weeks post benzo, 3 weeks post AD. One AD left to go, and then I’ll be free!!
Jenn, hope you will be able to include Ohio as a stop on the way. We have a little rescue dog that is always looking for a new walking companion
Regina
You will heal. It may take longer than you want, but you will get your life back. I’m 41 months free and still have body stuff, but I am able to get out and enjoy life. I trust that the remaining sx will eventually give way, just like the ones before it have. They will for you too. Keep going. Hold on.
I’ll do my best! You may want to post a picture and story of your rescue at adopteddogsoftheusa.com
I hope people begin to send me stories to post. 🙂
Jennifer, I am so so so happy for you. I’m sitting here crying tears of joy and amazement. You go girl. I really want to meet you and have a few ideas for you here in Michigan. Be careful though, last winter we had so much snow it was unbelievable. God bless you in everything you do and may he watch over you on your journey.
I’m in the depths of a very deep wave but you have inspired me this morning. I was so sure I was healing at two years off. It’s a cruel process but hope carries me ever onwards and you’ve reinforced that hope.
Thank You from the UK.
Regina . . . I don’t know what benzo you were on . . . or your dose . . . or your method and time-length of taper . . . ALL of which make a HUGE difference in our eventual rate of healing. But . . . what I DO know . . . at 5 years out . . . is that at 3 years I also ‘felt’ hopeless. It does get better. It WILL get better. Time and careful considerations given to management of stress, exercise, diet and sleep (yes that too gets WAY better) give your body the tools it needs to heal. And your body . . . DOES want to heal. Intrinsically. Allow your present . . . embrace the future healing that IS yours . . . just be. It is happening. Trust the process.
Thank you! Needed..Be safe traveling.
Hi Jennifer-
I am in the process of w/d from K have been on it for 4 yrs for insomnia. I felt like I had come to a tolerance and decided to get off of it. I had no idea what I was getting myself into! I feel very scared and hesitant to talk to others, family ect… It’s like a unknown subject, Drs don’t warn you of dangers???? If you make it to fla. Always welcome, dog friendly
If you plan on stopping in so cal california let me know, would love to meet you and could use the encouragement! Ty
I’ll be there the first part of january. 🙂
Omg…..I just read this & am on week 1 after approximately taking these devilish pills for almost 8 years….I’m terrified to even leave my house! I cannot do anything without these! I need someone to help me before it’s too late! :'(
How’s it going with getting a film crew to cover your journey?
Is this thread still active? I need help. I thought my wd was on the downward spiral but last night it flared up as if i were in another dimension. I couldnt even think. Going from thinking u may be getting better to actually go to having new worse symptoms is devastating and i dont know what to do. I had spiking high BP before this happened (the reason why i was given benzos in the first place) and i also had four heart stents put in. I dont want to die DURING withdrawal. My faith remains but hope is lost.
No one has approached me about filming my story.
Feeling better, than being hit with symptoms, even extreme symptoms, and yes, sometimes worse symptoms. is a hallmark of healing in benzo withdrawal. Is there a medication you can take for your high BP that won’t affect your healing from the benzos? Keep us posted.
I would love to talk with you. Thank you for the encouragement.
Twitter: @lauraramonique
Feel free to email me.
Im so happy for you that your feeling better.. I am in on of the farkest waves of hopelessness ryte now feel ok for an hour then cry for hours in toyal fear feeling ill allways be mentaly ill.please help im 3 months off and im terrified that everybody says years i dont think i have that in me im so 😔
I was taken off 4 mg of Klonopin by my new doctor on my first visit. I was on it for panic attacks for about 15 years. He made it seem like once I was off I would be fine and never mentioned withdrawal. I have been in bed now for 4 weeks with every symptom I read. I have had a few windows where I could move but then it becomes worse. Muscles get so tight I am weighed down and can’t lift my arm. I can hear sounds in my head when symptoms are worsening let like sirens going off. I feel like my bones are snapping and you can see the muscles tighten and relax. Everyone keeps telling me I need to get out of bed and move but everything spins or when I have a window and get out I get hit twice as bad later. Doctor’s office never calls back or if I actually do get someone they have no idea what will make it better. If anyone has any advice on how to stop this cramping because I am taking Gabapentin which I was given to move and Methocarbonel and now they are not working.
My husband is 4 months off a year long titration of Klonopin. He is now titrating off Ambien. Every day is harder than the day before for both of us. Because he says he has “dark thoughts”. I seldom leave him alone. I relate to your blog post about losing relationships because except for the constant pain he is in-the fact that even family can’t relate to what we are both going thru hurts. There is no one to talk to and the scariest part is our ages-68 & 66. The years we planned to spend traveling & being together doing things we didn’t have time for are rapidly being eaten up by time. I am losing my ability to quietly accept this because I want to rage-but I can’t because it hurts him to think of what this is doing to me too. God has this-I know. That is the only thing that helps us get thru the day. We have kind-loving friends & family-but they are totally overwhelmed by this. Your blog helps-thank you from a caregiver wife married to my love of 46 years.