It’s late and all I want to do is curl up and drift off to (good)dreamland and wake up refreshed, happy, eager to start the day. That hasn’t happened in almost four years of recovering from kpin.
I’m not ruling it out in the (near?) future.
I know boys and girls. I’ve been posting all about the
wave tsunami I’ve been riding. It’s been the mother of all waves. Hands down. It took me back into first year off territory. Scary. It *almost* crushed me. Damn close.
So, today was like most days. Lots of body anxiety, tension, almost panic…but… somewhere amid all that crap I POKED MY HEAD OUT and could see that I am STILL IN HERE. I’m still intact. I don’t know how to describe it any more than I know how to describe where I have been. All I can say is something shifted. Something fundamental and I KNOW it’s an important step in my recovery.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not done yet. My body has burning, twitching, formication, paresthesia, bone pain, muscle pain, I’m weak and dizzy. Yet something took place today that was a milestone. I am sure of it.
I HAVE HOPE AGAIN!!! A lot of it.
Our dear buddy Don keeps telling me that I am still in here, and that I’ll be better than pre benzo. Hard to believe him. (One day I have to ask his forgiveness for cluttering his inbox with whiney emails, day after day.) But he was right. I am still in here and she’s pretty awesome, if I must say so myself. I told a dear friend of mine tonight, that I felt like me in such a profound way, that it brought tears to my eyes. I’ve not known ME in so many years. My friend battled a psychotic break 30 years ago so she is compassionate about my journey. She said, “I could not have done what you have done.” I told her “I didn’t have a choice.” And I didn’t. None of us did. We just put one foot in front of the other.
I know in the morning I will wake up to the usual symptoms. I know it’s not magically over. And I will most likely have anxiety dripping off of me like usual at some point. But that’s ok. Because I can see a faint glimmer on the horizon. I DO believe I will one day wake up, yawn, stretch, feel refreshed, and ready to go do whatever needs to be done for the day. I’ll sing in the shower. I’ll put on makeup. I’ll cook breakfast. I’ll be happy to go out in the world. I’ll be happy to talk with people. I won’t have any more DR. I won’t be anxious. I’ll be like I was before this nightmare started, only wiser. More able to cope with my life.
I have learned how to take care of myself. Set boundaries. And I have learned how to love that scared little girl inside who felt so broken and ashamed. Not anymore. Not after what I have survived and continue to survive.
Keep putting the days together. One day, we will all heal. I am more sure of that now than ever before. (If another wave comes and I’m back to crying my eyes out, fearful I won’t heal, I hope I remember this post.)
I love you all. I pray for us all. I do hope God is listening.