I tried a lot of things to heal from benzo withdrawal: meds, vitamins, acupuncture, neuro and biofeedback, massage, juicing, going vegan, going paleo, ditching gluten, sugar, caffeine and junk food. I ate purple foods (someone said they had a healing “vibration”), tried cleanses, positive affirmations, prayer, meditation — the list goes on and on. Nothing that I tried “cured” me. Not. One. Thing. I felt hopeless and helpless. You could say that I hit rock bottom. At the time, I thought it was the end of the world. It wasn’t. Rock bottom was the turning point for my way out of the mess that my life had become in benzo withdrawal.
I used three steps to climb out of the darkness of my self-pity, fear, anger, and resentment. The first step was to admit that I was helpless over withdrawal and that my life had become unmanageable. It was a hard thing to admit because I wanted to believe that I was in control. Admitting that I wasn’t in control went against every cell in my body. However, I knew, deep down, that I was indeed, helpless. I couldn’t control what was going on in my body or in the world around me.
The second step was to come to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to “sanity.” My peace and serenity in life weren’t going to come from me; they were going to come from something greater than myself. I call that something God. You can call it whatever you like. Every day, I spent time getting to know God. I bared my heart and soul to God in conversations. I also looked for God in everything; people, animals, plants, weather, the seasons, etc. After awhile, I felt less alone. I knew that God was always with me.
The third step was perhaps the hardest. I had to relinquish control. I had to give my will and my life over to the care of God. I had to ask God for help in doing that, as I wanted to be in charge, even though my life was pretty miserable with me at the helm. When I was able to let go and let God, as the saying goes, my life turned around. I felt peace. Serenity. Harmony. I no longer had to control people, places, and things. I was able to accept life on life’s terms. I no longer fought my benzo withdrawal symptoms. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, and I got on with living my life.
I also stopped asking “Why” (which kept in stuck in the problems), and I started asking “How” and “What.” How can I serve God today? How can I serve others? How can I be most useful? What is the most loving response to everything? What can I do to take good care of myself? Self-pity dropped away and a new emotion coursed through my veins: satisfaction. I was at peace.
If these three steps look familiar to you, it is because they are the first three steps in Alcoholics Anonymous. They are the foundation for recovery not only from any type of addiction, but from emotional angst, drama, self-pity, fear, and other “ills of the soul.”
My benzo symptoms didn’t miraculously go away when I took these steps on a daily basis. But my relationship with them changed. They no longer destroyed my happiness. They didn’t obliterate my serenity. I stopped fearing the symptoms or fearing what would become of my life. I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was in the care and comfort of God as I understand God. I wake up every morning with a grateful heart and a sense of wonder. Life is incredibly good, no matter what is going on around me. I have learned how to let go and to let God. It’s an amazing freedom. I want this freedom, this peace and serenity, for you
Jennifer, thank you for another fantastic post. I can relate to it! I had a relationship with the Lord before withdrawal and it has actually grown since I began this. The Lord has been strength and comfort during this time. Also, I have recently been trying to just accept what I am suffering through and it has started making a difference. The only thing I have issues with is believing that this will be me forever, it’s getting hard to believe I am healing and it will end. But, my mind is such a mess anyway, I have to accept that as well and tell myself I am healing. Thank you, again, and God Bless you for your aid and support! Dan
What a beautiful post. I seem to be so scared of everything just now, and instead of accepting God, I have spent months asking him why me, I have done no harm to anyone or anything. But your post has me now asking myself, if I have not accepted God why do I speak to him and question him. Dr Jenn, I find it so difficult to be able to forgive my Doctor for what he has done to me, did you feel the same?
Hugs across the Pond
Jackie
I am, of course, respectful of different views and beliefs and people in our world, but I would like to say I am frustrated by this post. I opened it hoping to read something that could help me today. I’m only a month in to my benzo withdrawal and struggling with severe physical pain. Mercifully my anxiety is mostly under control, the derealization is easing up, but the pain is starting to get to me. I endured over two years of significant pain as my arthritic hips deteriorated to the point of surgical replacement and had almost no trouble getting off morphine twice. And now this. I am so done with incapacitating pain. My spiritual beliefs are extremely narrow by choice and I confess your sharing of your belief that God is the answer really rubbed me the wrong way this early morning. I was hoping for something that could have been helpful to me. I am glad you found comfort where you could, but I am not so fortunate. Please be aware that there are more like me, hoping for more secular advice. Colour me cranky this morning. Sorry
Almost one year off and still feeling very weak! Never believed this was going to be such a long journey! Your articles keep me holding on! Thank you for sharing in such a conforting way. God bless you.
María
Eve,
If you can wrap your head around a “Higher Power”, you may indeed feel better, at least emotionally. You don’t have to call it God. You can call it whatever you want to call it. I am not pushing a religion, in any way shape or form. I happen to call my higher power God. That works for me. The 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous are written so that anyone can participate. You can choose your own higher power. The power in the steps is to accept life on life’s terms. When we do that, we don’t suffer so much from fighting for what cannot be changed. The serenity prayer, “God, (Higher power, whatever) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” I am aware that many who read my site want secular help, and I offer as much as I can. But to not publish these three steps that have helped millions around the world beat addiction and emotional woes, would be a mistake. These steps are powerful! We are not “addicts” in the true sense of the word, but we are struggling with accepting the situation we find ourselves in. These three steps can help us to get through our recovery and help us on the other side. They helped me go from being a being a self-absorbed drama queen to being a far more loving, patient, willing to serve others person. For that, I am grateful. Not all of my posts are going to fit everyone. If I try to make everyone happy at once, I’d never write another word! Hopefully, future posts will have more for you.
Thank you for this post. These principles have saved my life the past 32 months. I’m able to live beyond myself and this suffering and be useful, in small ways, to help others in my life. For me this helps me to endure and not burn precious energy on self pity. I consider myself one of the lucky ones to be getting off this poison. Like Jennifer said, your higher power can be anything you want. Hang in there Eve. I know this suffering is beyond human comprehension, but these AA steps can be life saving and changing for us. Best wishes and prayers to all. 💕👍🏼
Thanks jen for another lovely post. I’m 2 months off my last dose of benzos, and was limping along OK until my elderly frail parents hit a crisis… they live 3 hours away and we’ve done all we can for the time being. it’s meant I’ve had a wave of symptoms. .. it helps to remember those three points. Much love and prayer, nicki …also across the pond!!! X
Love this jennifer.I get it.We really have no control when we give it up to God and allow him to guide us thru this stuff.There is no one thing that will cure us but God’s Love.There are tools to help us cope,but Its the relinquishing up the false sense of control in all of this is actually the gift.Allowing the chips to fall where they may and to trust God is is going to get us thru through.Thank you
Yeah that’s great Jennifer but how do you do anything when your brain is going a million miles an hour , changing thoughts and visions every second , I went to the gym the other day and I did feel a little better that evening but the next day I went to my fathers to watch the football and after sitting down for 3 hours all of a sudden my brain started telling me I have to kill myself right now and I started flipping out and ran out of my dad’s house , got home and punched myself in the face for about 20 seconds and spent the rest of the night not trying to kill myself . WTF is going on , was it the exercise I did the day before was it the fish oil tablets I took the cup of tea I had , how can your brsin tell you to kill yourself ?????? I haven’t been outside in 3 days because I’m still in shock from what happened
This is the Drs fault for up and downing my dose for. 16 mths and I’m still on 2 Mgs of clonazepam , I think clonazepam is making me seriously mental and completly insane
Also I’m sure I’m having symptons that no one else has ever had , things that I’ve never heard or read about , it’s like I can’t control my brain it’s doing whatever it wants , I can’t control it , I can’t have conversations with people because I can’t get the words out and words people say offend me , just say someone says , hi how are you , I’m offended , watching TV someone is in a bar or driving a car , I’m offended and upset and angry becrause I can’t do those things anymore , everyone I know who’s been on benzos get off and their ok but I just seem to be getting worse
Dave, you just hold on and do the best that you can. If you find that the suicide ideation becomes too much, please seek help. Suicide is a very real problem in benzo withdrawal. I am so sorry that you are suffering so much.
Dave
what you describe has been experienced by others. Not everyone who gets off a benzo is okay, as you seem to think. Many of us are hit hard with withdrawal symptoms that take quite some time to go away. Learning to accept our symptoms and not be so upset over them can help us suffer less.
No not as I think it’s Just all the people I know have come off benzos quite easily. , I know there are bad sufferers out there !!
And I promise some of my symptons are unique. , I quite often think I’m a toaster or a TV or a price of paper . Thinking that you re inanimate objects is really not human and watching TV then all of a sudden turning into that character , wow really I’m pretty sure people don’t think they are a turtlefoxdonkey
I think this is more the w/d like pure insanity , I think from being alone for over a year and having no help and being up and down dosed for. 19 mths by a addiction specialist , I truely beleive my brain is fried
What do you think ?????