[WARNING! This post may be triggering!]
Many feel that their faith in God is shaken to the core in benzo withdrawal. No longer can we feel God’s presence as we had before the nightmare of withdrawal began. It’s terribly frightening to suddenly feel so alone; existential angst pressing against our hearts minute after minute, day after day. We question why were born. We question if God is real. We question God’s love. We question our sanity, our reality. It’s exhausting.
One of the many symptoms of benzo withdrawal is a numbing of our feelings. We can’t feel love for anyone or anything. We can’t feel joy or goodness. We live in a washed out, gray zone; a zombie like existence that stretches on for months and months. While we are there, we can’t feel love for God or feel God’s love for us. We have to hold on and wait for our brains to heal so that our emotions can slowly seep back in. Until then, we walk in faith that God is still there.
Another response to God while recovering from a benzodiazepine is fear. That was my experience. I couldn’t think about God without thinking about death and eternity. Both thoughts sent ice cold terror through my body. I was convinced that God was going to open my front door, walk back to my room and murder me. Yup, you read that right. I wasn’t afraid that I would die a natural death. I was afraid that God Himself was going to kill me. That’s how crazy my relationship with God became in benzo withdrawal! I’d fall to the floor sobbing, begging God to not harm me. Of course, if I had told a doctor about my reaction I’d have been labeled psychotic. But, it was *just* benzo withdrawal. As my brain healed, my fear of God, death, and eternity went away, just like all of the other strange withdrawal symptoms went away.
I now have a very vibrant and comforting relationship with God as I understand God. I’m able to hold in my heart the traumatic things that I lived through in my life, including benzo withdrawal. They do not negate God’s existence. And now that my brain is healed, I can feel my love for God and I can feel God’s love for me. Now I know that God isn’t oblivious or callous to my suffering in life. But it took me a long time to get here. It wasn’t an overnight journey. You may find that your faith takes awhile to recover, too.
One of the things I think is important in our recovery is an honest relationship with God as we understand God. As my fear and terror faded, anger and hate rushed in to take its place. I used to say incredibly vulgar things to God. I’d shake my fist and scream at the top of my lungs at Him. I never sugarcoated my feelings. I’m glad I didn’t. I wanted God to know the real me—not some prettied-up version of me. As I healed, the hate and anger faded. In their place slowly grew a love and trust that came from deep within my heart and soul. After that, an exquisite gratitude developed. I woke up every morning so thankful for another day; even if the day was full of benzo withdrawal symptoms.
However complicated or crazy your relationship with God has gotten in benzo withdrawal, know that it will get better as your brain gets better. My humble suggestion is to be honest with God. Don’t hide your feelings, or your lack of feelings. Keep a conversation going with God every day. Talk and then listen. Spend some quiet time sitting and receiving God’s love, even if you can’t fee that love. Make the effort, go through the motions, and say “thank you” for God’s grace.
For those of you who don’t believe in God, I’m not here to convince you. My work is to help you cope with benzo withdrawal so that you can get to the finish line of healing, no matter what your beliefs are. But for those who do have faith and are worried that God has forsaken you, or worried that you can’t feel God’s presence as you once did, I want to assure you that God has not abandoned you. God is right there with you. God won’t let you go, even if you are scared or angry or numb. Trust that your brain is healing. As it heals, your relationship with God will heal.
Another post that is right on and timed just right. God bless you Jennifer and thank you! Honesty with the Lord is the key, it’s what I have learned. My approach is that He knows what I’m going though and I trust in His love and mercy.
Another issue thaI I experience is a lack of concentration in many situations, such as reading, I can’t read books at this time. It also affects my prayer life. My mind is like a bouncing ball in a small room, it doesn’t focus on anything for more than a couple seconds. As with all the other issues, I am trying to accept where I am at this time.
Dan
Thank you Jennifer for your honesty and bravery on this subject. Much to my shame, I too have too often let God be the blunt of my pain and anger. I have screamed vulgarities and blamed Him many times for my perdicament the whole time having shame and knowing He is not at fault. To the contrary He is the only one that is truly there at all times for me. I know He loves me and forgives me so I have to forgive myself so my walk with Him can begin to heal and grow stronger. Being “honest” and confessing to God and the world of my sin helps me to forgive myself and get back on track with my loving relationship with Him. Again, thank you for your bravery…it is not an easy thing to confess! God is my rock and I know I could never make it through this withdrawal without His constant love and support.
You are welcome. I think it’s helpful to be honest about all symptoms in benzo withdrawal. It helps for others to know that someone else has the same thing, that they aren’t alone, or crazy! So many people struggle with the idea of God in withdrawal. I want people to know that it’s common and that it does get better as their brains get better.
God bless you as well! Acceptance is key to benzo withdrawal, as with so many other aspects of life. Your focus and concentration will return as your brain recovers from the alterations from the benzo In time.
God bless you as well! Acceptance is key to benzo withdrawal, as with so many other aspects of life. Your focus and concentration will return as your brain recovers from the alterations from the benzo. In time.
I have to agree with everyone’s posts about muted feelings…some days numb, other days, depressed, anxious, angry and others a combination of all of them?! had been taught prayer is essential as a young child and had practiced it most of my life. At the beginning of withdrawal, I forced my self to at least pray the Lord’s Prayer every night when I laid down to try and sleep. I had no yearning to pray or even felt any love or peace during or after prayer. I felt like a machine or robot praying. But it paid off! Now a favorite part of my day is talking to God. Before I even get to my praying, I “give God a hand” by saying thank-you for things as I count on my fingers. I started out thanking God for five things…one finger for every thank-you. Then I went to 10. Now I am saying thanks for 15-20 things a day and…IT FEELS GREAT!! The feelings of gratitude, contentment in my circumstance and love have swelled up again in my life. If I can give one piece of advice it is to “fake it until you make it”. It works!
Wow, Jenn! How horrifying that time must have been for you. I’m relieved for you, just reading this, that your healed brain was able to embrace and restore your faith. When one’s core belief system is so terrifyingly attacked by their very own brain, it sounds completely debilitating. How awful to have the effects of a drug compromise the basic essential foundation of your faith. I’m glad you had the strength and bravery to do what you needed to do.
Thank you for sharing this.
My experience has been the exact opposite. This tapering process has resulted in insomnia for me. With insomnia, I have had more time to pray to God and it has actually strengthened my relationship with God. It’s not death that most men fear it’s actually life. One of my favorite sayings is what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Peace out.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Jennifer. I feel fully validated, knowing that someone else has gone through EXACTLY what I’m experiencing and has fully recovered. As I said in an earlier comment, this has been by far my worst symptom. I am almost 31 months off of 1.5 mg of Klonopin, from a cold turkey. Took it for 20 years. At around 5 months off, it was like somebody flipped a switch in my brain and ALL of my beliefs and faith in God were gone. It was and continues to be the most frightening thing that has ever happened to me. For 25 solid months I have somehow survived without feeling the presence of God in my life. If someone had warned me before I got off the drug,that this could possibly happen, I don’t know if I would have gotten off the drug. But I have never lived without feeling God’s presence so I wouldn’t have known what it was like. It’s better that I didn’t know. I am free of Klonopin now and I know that full recovery is within my grasp. EVERYTHING that you have said is absolutely true. I was an arrogant Christian before, thinking I knew everything there was to know about God. I have been completely stripped of everything. It’s like starting over and searching out things for myself instead of believing what everyone tells me to believe because that’s the way I was raised . Maybe this really IS a spiritual journey for me. I said in a comment I made earlier that when the fear leaves and is replaced with ‘LOVE’ I will consider myself healed regardless of any remaining physical symptoms. I hope this makes sense. I feel like I’m rambling sometimes. Thank you Jennifer, for giving me some hope when I can’t feel the very person I used to put ALL my hope in. I know in my knower, that He’s there. Just can’t feel Him yet. How many months did it take for your fear to leave? I know from one of your older posts you said the first time you felt love for your kids again, that you just sat down and cried. I cried all the way through reading this post to my husband of 45 years, who I’m sure has also suffered because I have no love to give to him. I still have almost no recognition of him. Like I’m living with a stranger. Is that D/P? I just know it’s heartbreaking and I hate it! Thank you for letting me comment.
Angie, your reply broke my heart, but it also sounds a lot like what I am experiencing. I have a similar reaction to most of the replies here, but another response I have is gratude in hearing that what I am going through is not unique. I give thanks to God for having led me to Jennifer and her followers because of the amount of support and encouragement I find here. Dan
Dan, thats exactly what I’ve been looking for,too; support and encouragement. I have never wanted sympathy. I just need to know that there are others going through the same thing and we come out the other side, not unscathed but healed. The one thing I am finding out is that I am wayyyy stronger than I ever thought I was. I do recognize that this is God sustaining us because we could not do this alone. For me there’s no other explanation. Before Benzo withdrawal I talked to God off and on all day. He was first in my life. I knew he was real because I could FEEL Him deep in my soul. I understand that the Benzo numbs everything, especially emotions. It’s just so very hard to live like this. My view of death was this: Who cares when you die, just be ready to go. Right now I feel like I don’t EVER want to die. I’m 63 and how ever many years I have left will never be enough; also I feel like I went to sleep 20 years ago and I woke up to see a 63 year ‘old’ woman in the mirror that I don’t reconize, same with not recognizing my husband.. Like I lost 20 years somewhere. How much more frightening can it get? I just want love back. It’s so important to me that I made this statement to my mom: If God was standing before me and said “Angie, I will give you many many more years to live just as you are right now, or I will restore to you everything that you have lost, but you’ll only have one year to live, I would take the year, in a heartbeat. It’s that vital to me. Is that crazy to say that, I don’t know. That’s how I felt when I said it. I can’t live without LOVE.
I wish I would have read the warning at the top of the page before I read all the posts, but fighting to decide whether to comment or not I scrolled up and back down at least 5 times. I’m 50 years old and this is my first time ever posting on any site, ever.
I’m in day five of too fast a taper and after reading what the post before me says almost makes me want to go back on klonopin……almost.
Knowing what I know now, thanks to a certain 12 step program, stops me from calling my doctor and begging her to give me another refill. Thanks to Helen, the old adages are coming into my head… “easy does it”…”let go and let God”…”one day at a time”…”keep it simple, stupid (K.I.S.S)”.
“Just for today” I can know that I’m loved even if i cant really feel it right now, and “Fake it until i make it” is probably one of best suggestions i can hear now besides “i’m just where i’m supposed to be”.
I’m not in control.
If i want to get better it’s probably gonna get worse.
I’ll decide tomorrow if i want to torture myself with tolerance withdrawal some more, NOT TODAY..”one day at a time”.
I just wish I could actually feel comfortable going outside so I could be at a meeting. I’ve not been out since before Christmas.
I’m so grateful I’ve found out the truth about klonopin withdrawal and I’m not crazy!! I’m so grateful I’ve found this site.
Merry Gregorian Christmas, everyone(it’s today)….even if you’re like us and can’t feel merry right now. K.I.S.S. to everyone who needs reminding.
😉
Sherry
It’s been a year sense I went off benzos. It wasn’t my choice my family made the choice for me. Which now I am thankful for.There was no tapering just cold turkey. I wished I could tell you what I went through but I don’t have any memory of it. Which is probably a good thing. I was starting to get back to what I thought was a sense of normal. My husband was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2014. He had never smoked and lived a very healthy lifestyle. Unlike me who smoked like a chimney for 30+ years and rarely took care of myself. we have been married for 23 years. Last September his health started to fade he died three days ago.I have cried continuely wish I thought I had no tears. I have no clue how to begin again. He loved me when I didn’t love myself. Protected me when I was unprotectable. I have all these memories starting to flood in where I had no memories before. I allowed the benzos to rob me of some special years I could of had with him. How do I begin again when I don’t even have the energy to get out of bed! I don’t even know where to start!
Sorry about your husband. I can’t imagine the hurt combined with the loss that benzo withdrawal causes. I pray that in the midst of your loss you actually come to find healing in the memories that are returning to you. Just as with withdrawal, I hope that you come to know that time is your friend. Keep taking it one day at a time. God bless.
Dear anonymous …I to was sick with benzos and my husband had diabetes lost a leg fingers and so much more and I to don’t remember a lot..I felt lost to when he died six years ago and then I went through withdrawal from this crap…it’s been horrible!!!but I hung on to God everyday and night knowing that He has a plan and loves me…He didn’t do this to me I did by taking these drugs but he is walking with me through it…read Romans 8:28 and genesis28:15 and Isaiah 41:10…and Isaiah 43:1 my favorite because we do walk through rivers and fire with this healing process…focus on God. It’s not the end he always has new beginnings….you will make it I feel a lot better now as my mind heals…you will to…HANG ON…!!! God bless…lynne