If you are not keen on spirituality you may want to skip reading this post.
The voice inside telling me to stop taking 1 mg of clonazapam every night was loud and persistent. Even after two doctors told me to stay on the drug due to the harsh and lengthy withdrawal, I knew the voice inside my heart was correct, they were not. Even after nine months of tapering, tears, fears, using a walker to get out, and being bedridden, the voice was as loud as always. I now understand that voice was the voice of God.
I want more than a benzo free life. I want a new life, with God at the helm. My withdrawal feels as if I am dying unto myself, in order that I may truly live.
I continue to be amazed at the lessons I am learning as I wake another day, and cope with sensations, fears, thoughts, feelings etc. that at times are overwhelming. In my suffering, and in my surrendering and accepting my current condition, I am being introduced to myself on a very deep level. At times I want to hurry the process, I want to know when I will be well, when I can go back to work, what work will I be going back to, etc. I feel this rush, rush, rush, to hurry up, accomplish healing, hurry up, get to the next step. That’s the old me. The new emerging me knows that I must be still and know God. Only in my stillness, only in my waking every morning to face another day just as I am, will I ever find peace, and be authentic.
I am 53 years old. I have accomplished some good things in my life. But they pale in comparison to what I am doing now, lying on the couch, allowing God to sit beside me, and trust that all is well. I am amazed at how many things that I used to desire, don’t matter any more to me. With that comes tremendous serenity. I am amazed at how far I had gotten “off my mark” in life. I was so busy being busy, that I didn’t have time to feel the deep feelings I need in order to make sense of life.
I am doing more than withdrawing from my benzo. I am fallow ground. I am sitting still, with the knowledge that in time, seeds will be sown, and I will begin to sprout new life. I am not used to being fallow ground. I am used to being the one dashing about making things happen. I have to let the old me go, and open my heart to God’s grace so that I can become alive, in a way I have never been alive before.
You do not have to believe in the God I believe in. But I do hope that as you go through withdrawal, you are opening your heart to God as you understand God, and allowing that God to come in and hold you. I hope that you too, are dying, to live! I hope your new life after benzos is rich with self-knowledge, self-love and acceptance.
To new life.
Dr. Jenn
Thank you for these words. They confirm my experience so far. God took alcohol from me after many years of me trying to quit myself. He then led me to get off the 13 years of clonazepam. (I had no choice because of tolerance.) I haven’t really felt His presence through this withdrawal, but I know He never left me. Sometimes He is silent – times when He wants us to grow. This is one of those times for me. He will speak to me again, and I will have unspeakable joy – a joy I have never known. The how and when is up to Him.
Part of my prayer through this has been for me to be the man He wants me to be – the man that alcohol and benzos were destroying. I am 21 months from my last drink and over 11 months from the last dose of clonazepam. I have had no windows at all since I quit drinking, but I am able to do more things as time passes. So I am improving – just very slowly. He is with me as I pass through this fire. My wife likes me better this way (not drinking) even though I am going through depression and all the other things of withdrawal. It’s as though the slate is being wiped clean, and He is going to make me a new man – a man fit to serve Him and others. That’s what I want to be. That’s what life is about.
Don, good for you for going through the fire to become the man you want to be. I practice the 12 steps, and they help me move through withdrawal. I pray you recover soon. Life without booze and benzos is worth the fight.
Dear Dr. Jenn,
So thankful you are posting again. You have been an encouragement to me since I found your site in April. I have been tapering since March from Ativan. As sick and depressed as I have ever been, the Lord has never let me down. HE In His mercy has been, as you have experienced, remolding and making me through this. It has brought me to my knees before Him and there is where He has shown me peace I never thought I could ever have through this withdrawal. The closeness with Him has been the most precious gift. Thank you for your posts, and for sharing your experiences with me and so many others. May you continue to get well as God allows it and I will be checking here to rejoice with you as it happens. I am currently at .330 left to go. My taper is slowing down now but it’s in God’s time and in His perfect plan, right?
Thanks again for your post and encouragement!
Hopeful
Dear Dr. Jenn,
So thankful you are posting again. You have been an encouragement to me since I found your site in April. I have been tapering since March from Ativan. As sick and depressed as I have ever been, the Lord has never let me down. HE In His mercy has been, as you have experienced, remolding and making me through this. It has brought me to my knees before Him and there is where He has shown me peace I never thought I could have through this withdrawal. The closeness with Him has been the most precious gift. Thank you for your posts, and for sharing your experiences with me and so many others. May you continue to get well as God allows it and I will be checking here to rejoice with you as it happens. I am currently at .330 left to go. My taper is slowing down now but it’s in God’s time and in His perfect plan, right?
Thanks again for your post and encouragement!
Hopeful
I have said before that I hope you do not mind me commenting on here. I am not addicted to Benzos but I am to neuropathic and opiate painkillers and I have been through withdrawal you know the symptoms. But all you say makes so much sense and is true to my experience. I am terrified to admit that I cannot life a normal life without the pills…I am so afraid to face withdrawal again…and how will it leave me, what will the pain be like, I just do not know.
I feel God is by my side though helping . He helps us all I have mentioned this in some of my posts. I put my feelings into poetry and I find when I am writing about addition he is helping me express what is happening and how I feel.
I am so in awe of you , you have struggled and come so far and with God you are still standing. I send love, strength and hope to you , Don and Hopeful God bless and help us all.
Like Hopeful I thank the day I crossed your path last month…. I like to think God guided that too.
God be with us all willow
I have said before that I hope you do not mind me commenting on here. I am not addicted to Benzos but I am to neuropathic and opiate painkillers and I have been through withdrawal you know the symptoms. But all you say makes so much sense and is true to my experience. I am terrified to admit that I cannot life a normal life without the pills…I am so afraid to face withdrawal again…and how will it leave me, what will the pain be like, I just do not know.
I feel God is by my side though helping . He helps us all I have mentioned this in some of my posts. I put my feelings into poetry and I find when I am writing about addition he is helping me express what is happening and how I feel.
I am so in awe of you , you have struggled and come so far and with God you are still standing. I send love, strength and hope to you , Don and Hopeful God bless and help us all.
Like Hopeful I thank the day I crossed your path last month…. I like to think God guided that too.
God be with us all
Hopeful,
I pray your recovery is going well. I too have great faith in God, whatever God is! I really don’t know, other than something created this universe and I am grateful.
While deep in the abyss of healing, I was terrified of God. I could not think about abstract things. But now that more receptors are healing, I can once again ponder the Divine and the Infinite. I pray your faith sustains you. Please let us know how you are doing.
Blessings,
Jennifer