I was at my eldest son’s house gathering wood for my outdoor fireplace when my heart thawed out. My son walked over to me and I burst into tears. He put his arms around me to comfort me as he had done so many times in the past. “You’re going to recover, Momma,” he said gently.
“That’s not why I am crying,” I sobbed. My arms tightened around him in a warm embrace. “I’m crying because I can feel love for you again. You are my son! I recognize you!” I choked on the words, the emotion so intense. For me, love came roaring back in an instant. Like a tsunami, it was overwhelming. Happiness, the emotion that is triggered by external events, returned much like love returned. It flooded me with emotion much too big for my central nervous system to process. Sometimes, it would leave me shaky and exhausted. But I welcomed it! I knew that my central nervous system would eventually calm down. One of the things I had to be mindful of was to not become afraid of the positive emotions. I know that sounds a bit silly, but the intensity of love and happiness returning was at times more than I wanted to cope with. But I had been a terrified zombie for so long, that their return was welcomed, even if it was a rocky road for awhile.
Joy, the sense of ongoing peace within yourself, returned a bit more gracefully than love and happiness. It tugged at my heart bit by bit. It didn’t take me on the wild roller coaster ride that love and happiness took me on. It was more steady. You may have your positive emotions return in a more gradual manner. But for me, it was often a bit startling to feel them. I learned to breathe slowly and to sit with them when they were strong. I also didn’t allow myself to tell myself scary stories about my emotions. I’m sure a psychiatrist would have diagnosed me as bi-polar, but I knew from reading the literature about benzo withdrawal, that my experience was not uncommon. It didn’t take long for my emotions to settle down. After a few months, the rollercoaster ride ended and I was left with normal sized emotions.
As your GABA receptors heal themselves, you’ll find more and more that positive emotions bubble up for you. You may be like I was and find that they are intense, but rest assured that they will smooth out soon enough. My hunch is that you’ll discover a whole new world of self-confidence as your positive emotions come back online. I don’t let much pull me away from my inner peace these days. I give thanks for everything and I appreciate the smallest things in life now. Every day not in benzo withdrawal is a good day! Keep healing. You will recover, it’s just a matter of time.
Jennifer, another great post that provides hope and a vision of the future when this burden finally lifts! I need that now, I’m two and a half weeks off of clonazepam and I’ve just had a crash into deeper brain fog, confusion and derealization. Thank you for giving me hope! Dan
Ty jennifer. I FEEL everything which keeps me in constant panic and paranoia. I feel it in my gut. But once I cry kick and scream I feel it let up a bit. Exhausted and tired.
Thank you for this topic. I love this blog. Sometimes, well often actually, while navigating your way through this mess, trying to keep life together while managing the hell, that though pops in
that asks if you’ll ever be happy again, feel joy or in fact did you ever or is this the reality of your life. Just awful! Funny how something crops up just when beginning to believe the lies. Thank you Jenn and God for listening to my pleas for mercy.
Jennifer, I started crying as soon as I saw the title of your post. I have had those moments of intense feelings several times and it IS overwhelming. I’ve even said to my husband, “this must be what it feels like to be bipolar”. But this is what I’ve been waiting for, for so long. “I Wanna Know What Love Is” as the song says. Can’t wait. Wonderful post. Thank you!♡
You are most welcome. Know that the rollercoaster will smooth out in time. It won’t always be so intense!
We are so blessed to have your heart felt wisdom.Your words and your truth speak to me and I know there is my Light at the end of this tunnel.For now I feel yours…and you are a Blessing!!
O Jenn thank you so much for this encouraging post! I have a hard time believing it will happen to me but I pray daily that it does. I wish nothing more than to feel love again for my 3 young children and my husband. I don’t recall what it feels like at all. How far off were you when this started happening???
I have another post idea as well…long-term memory loss and lack of connection to memories. I cannot remember any of my children’s childhood, or what they were like etc. I’m praying this will eventually flood back in as well.
Many blessing to you! Xx
I’ll do my best to remember to write a post about memory. :). At 5.5 years off, my memory is still improving, but there is still healing taking place, I know. I was in my second year off the benzo when I started feeling true love, warmth, and connection with my friends and family.
Feeling and the Emotions are creeping back in. I still feel the “disconnect”, but find that, that is more of a protective shield for me right now. All I care to bring in to my emotional bubble is my family and close friend. Anyone else can stay out of it. Sometimes I love this….but I know in more time the bubble will pop and I’ll be back to feeling all that is in the “world”. All that I avoided and thought the benzo prescribed kept me away from. I too have started to make one aware through my experience with doctors and benzos and the affect it has had on my life. Your topic was hopeful and scary. Once I read it, it was relief. Thank you and Blessings to you. Lisa
Bree, yes yes, I have the memory issues also. Also cannot feel love for my husband or anyone. I am frightened that I won’t ever love him again. He’s been my life for 45 years. Actually 49 counting courtship. How is this even possible to have our brains feel so damaged and so much of our lives wiped out? Please help, Jennifer. I know you didn’t have a husband during this but maybe you have some insight about this anyway? Its really so scary, to say the least. ♡ Thank you for holding our hands through this horrifying journey.
I was unable to feel love for my four children. I lived in a zombie-like state for quite some time. Your love for your husband is still there, you just can’t access it right now because of the damage the drug has caused to your brain. You will feel that love again as your brain heals. I know it can be very scary to lose our positive emotions, but they do come back. Don’t make any hasty decisions about relationships while in benzo withdrawal. I’ve known too many people who thought they wanted a divorce in withdrawal only to be grateful that they didn’t act on that desire once healed! They were all still in love with their spouses! Do your best to let your husband know you are grateful for him.
This is truely awful , I feel no love for my family at all , in fact I’m really disliking my father ATM , the person who I loved more than anything , trying to explain what I’m going through and he just doesn’t get it , he’s making me very angry with his logical ideas of how I can help myself and becoming very jealous of him and his wife and son and all the holidays and good times their having all whist I’m stuck in absolute hell .
I’m having these crazy stmptoms since I’ve been on klonopin . I have these episodes almost like Tourette’s where I have to get up and start yelling non real words and fling my arms and legs around and slap myself in the face or punch walls or head butt walls and doors , I’ve not seen or heard of anyone else with this problem , only when I’m at home , worried that I might start doing this in public and I have fear attacks for no reason where I just start yelling in fright when there’s nothing there , what is this I’m experiencing , can somebody tell me .
Dave, you are not alone . Been there done that.(unfortunately) I even refered to MY episodes as Tourettes.(and Oh! the rage! ) Do you find that you are acting out in ways that are totally the opposite of your character? I think that’s called ” having no regulators”. Am I right, Jennifer? I have said and done things that my mother would be shocked at. That’s why I don’t want to see my mom until I am healed and can love her like I always have. I’m glad she’s 6 hours away at this time in my life. My husband has endured this withdrawal and recovery of mine for 33 months. Don’t know how he takes it. But I think this is common during W/D. You’ve been having these episodes since you’ve been ON or OFF Klonopin? That part of what you said, I wasn’t sure what you meant. Angie
This is just one more thing your friends -family -caregivers can’t fully comprehend unless they have been thru it. I am a caregiver for my husband of 47 years. I have used a type of out of body “looking on but not there” wall as a defense mechanism emotionally several times in my life. Being an intensely emotional person this was the only way to avoid the hurt or total breakdown that giving in or being fully there would involve. I say this to express how I can accept that the brain- something in a person -allows this to protect themselves. It has helped me to accept that my husband is desperate to have me here-he needs me-but not in the way he did before this Benzo horror story began. And it gives me hope in the days when I long for the touch & love connection of before that we will have it again-bigger & better & brighter than before.
My heart cries for all of you – the hope for a better tomorrow is what we all cling to -and my husband tells me that it is very important that he hears that often. Praying that friends and family of all going thru this find in blogs like Jennifer’s insight into what is happening inside you now that we cannot see and can’t even begin to imagine and with that the compassion needed by you so desperately.
Believing in a brighter future- ❤
Angie it started happening when I switched from valium to klonopin , the valium wasn’t working , I couldn’t walk out the front door without s*** ing myself , so I switched to kolopin , which gave me relief for a few months now that’s not working either , In fact if I take more I get worse .
I was destroyed by the addiction specialist , he had me go from 8 Mgs of xanax to 20 Mgs valium and told me to be off valium in a month , that was 15 mths ago , I haven’t been able to get off . Last night I was trying to play my guitar but the sound freaks me out to much , I used to be a good songwriter now I can barely play a chord , I could actually see the notes as I played them , I think klonopin is driving me totally insane , I looked at a suitcase and thought my life was in it and my body was the shell this morning I was watching charmed on TV and got scared because they are witches , about to give up can’t do this anymore
Thank you Jenn! I’ll look forward to that one. I have a quick question I’ve pondered on since reading this post. When you said:
“I’m crying because I can feel love for you again. You are my son! I recognize you!”
What did you mean by “recognize you?”
Did you mean you “recognized ” him as your son again because you finally felt that motherly love for him again that was missing so long? I was wondering if that statement at all had to do with DP/DR or was it more what I wrote above. I ask because as I’ve shared my kids feel like strangers to me from the severe DP/DR. I don’t want to take what you wrote out of context.
Thanks Dr. Jenn
I started crying when I read your post about your son.
It breaks my heart what this is doing to my little ones.
I had freaked myself out REAL good thinking I was dying of a disorder (still think I am) and couldn’t leave the room. Twitching, shaking, FEAR states, terror, jolting of my body and terrible back pains. Is this normal???
Anyway, it feels seizure like and I have no clue why
But back to your post….
My little son shoved two little papers under the door of little drawings he made for me. I just burst crying now after reading this post. Life feels SO unreal. I am smelling things that aren’t here, my chest is in a vice, and I am on 3 meds at the end of my taper. I just don’t know how I can handle things getting worse and dealing with akathisia.
I am scared beyond words and just needed to share.
I appreciate your work so much. A beacon of light and hope. You made it. And wonderful news at 2 years you felt joy again. IT feels like a long way off but… if there is sweetness on the other end… ohh that would be marvelous.
Do you have any posts of people who have underlying medical issues and how they do in withdrawal
Posts on Parenting in withdrawal too? I know your kids were grown.
I have two little ones. impossible to parent. I try to hug, say I love you but I wonder at some point if it’s better to leave the home than to subject them to this.
Sorry to rant on. Your blog is helpful and I check it each day. Thank you and sending prayers to everyone
Hi Jen and friends..I was desperate today haven’t read these in a while..but I’m still suffering from static vision double vision and head problems like ears heaviness dizzy..but I must say that Jen is right you get those good feelings back and you have hope!! It’s sad to think that no one can help and your brain is healing…many people look at me like I’m nuts when I say that!and the sorta funny thing is I’m a hair dresser and my vision is so bad and by Gods grace no mistakes..I realized no one even knows..some days it’s like hell but when you feel better that day it gives you hope!! It takes a long time to heal and even when I wonder if I ever will see clear again I keep trusting Gods plan for my life..because he’s a good God and loves us more than we can ever imagine…hang in all of us that dream of healing is on its way!! It will make us an amazing person after all this and compassionate so we can help others…thanks Jen for all your hard work and still sharing with us it hasn’t been easy for you and you still pushed through…..thx lynne
Not able to read through all this page. 20 days ago, my doctor handed me an RX for an anti-siezure med, said go home and stop, cold turkey, from clonazapam, not RX’d by him, even though I have a history of seizures from benzoe (xanax) withdrawl seizures. This is day 9, have taken only a few crumbs since the dreaded day. This doc was voted “Seattle most compassionate Doc” a few years back, I found this out some time after i entrusted him w/ my health. .things are not going well! what do i want…..I am wondering if there is ANYTHING I can take, sup’s, over the counter, anything that will help .the antiseiz drug incapasitates me, I’ve taken maybe 2-3 full doses since this began. would taking a high quality “Gaba” sup help, or prolong this insanity?? Thank you for any help, you can fbook message me if you like, really need some kind of hope/help TODAY…..
Big emotions that are not about drama? Am I out of touch? Maybe that’s like an old friend. One I’ve forgotten about. A friend from way back pre benzo. As I read this, I notice that, while my brain fires fear that I’ve learned to not take seriously, my emotions seem less dramatic. I’m grateful for moments of simple pleasures that arise even at the same time that l experience this bodily hell. I’m learning that I am so much more then this experience. Big feelings of love? Hmmmm? I suppose I’ll welcome that when it arrives 🌼 Thanks 🙏🏼
I feel SO MUCH compassion (BTW: it doesn’t feel like a big emotion but rather an innate state) when I read the posts above. I know that fear. You are NOT alone. You ARE understood. While I don’t have specific answers … my God, I wish I did, I can only offer what works for me. Breath through this crap. Even if all you can do at times is count your breaths. This hell isn’t who you are. Create a benzo recovery “tool box”. There are days I can’t lift my head but I can look at the bird feeder that my husband attached to the bedroom window & watch the trees sway in the wind. Sometimes I can read a book (funny, almost stupid stories that are non violent work best for me), knit, sit outside, take a short walk, listen to podcasts, plant flowers to create visual beautiful, keep lavender in my essential oil defuser, listen to audiobooks with my husband, read affirmations in various phone apps, pray, send thoughtful texts, thank someone (I wrote a thank you note to my mail carrier). These are some of the items in my toolbox. (((Hugs)))