The winter rains had slowed, and I yearned to visit our family farm in Georgia. I packed up my little Hyundai Elantra, dropped off my cat and dog at the Pawington and set out for a solo cross-country adventure. And what an adventure it was! Snowstorms, hailstorms, thunderstorms, and a tornado watch. Not to mention being turned away at the Grand Canyon to camp (it was spring break and filled with college students) or the drunken man terrorizing my hotel (he pounded on my door at 1 a.m.) in Alabama. But, I arrived at our farm in good shape, albeit a bit dizzy and woozy. (That was my first warning that my CNS was being stressed.)
I enjoyed every minute back in Georgia. I remember telling my parents more than once, how elated I was that I had healed from benzo withdrawal. I honestly felt that it was in my rear-view mirror and that the future was shining brightly ahead. After two months of helping my parents, I drove back home in three and a half days, driving almost three thousand miles. That was where the real trouble started. 1. I drove home a new car, a Honda Civic. I was steeped in toxic “new car smell.” 2. The vibration of the car rattled my CNS. 3. The mental stress of the drive overtaxed my brain. It didn’t help that once home I tore out much of my garden and replanted and added gravel and flagstone; it was a lot of bending and heavy lifting. Soon after I was home, I got terrible news about a few people I love. My heart broke for them, and I found myself not sleeping very well. The dizzy spells started soon after that. Weeks after arriving home, I was completely bedridden, back in the “snakepit” of benzo withdrawal.
I won’t bore you with all of the gory details. Suffice it to say that in many ways, it was worse than my cold turkey back in 2011. I developed such a severe case of POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) that my doctor was stunned. He called my case “remarkable.” I was unable to stand up (or even sit up) without my CNS going haywire. And so I laid in bed, day after day, week after week, month after month. I felt so hopeless, convinced that the setback meant my CNS would never heal, or that if it did, it would take many years as it had the first time. I was pretty much inconsolable for awhile. (I took down this site because I wasn’t able to help anyone at that time.) I emailed Baylissa, Geraldine, and Matt on a regular and I’m sure for them, exhausting, basis.
To help myself heal, I decided to throw myself into the most committed self-care/self-love routine that I could. A friend moved in to take care of me, and she cooked only organic foods for me. Sally Fallon’s book, Nourishing Traditions, became my bible for nutrition. I ordered organic food delivered to the house each week. I also decided to limit my stress which meant limiting my interactions with people who I didn’t 100% enjoy or felt nourished by their company. I cut my hair short, so I didn’t have to style it. And, I distracted from my misery by writing a novel, something that had been on my bucket list for decades. I created a Pandora station called Healing Sounds and played that as background music every single day.
As the days melted into the fall, my symptoms slowly started lifting. By Christmas, I was about fifty-percent better. My parents came to visit my sister and me, and I was grateful to see them. Over the holidays, my heart and soul began to cry out to me for something they had desired for a very long time: to live back in the mountains among nature and peace.
In January, I was well enough to drive to the Grass Valley/Nevada City, California area. The moment I arrived at my Air BnB accommodations, I knew I was going to move away from the hustle and bustle of the Bay Area. By the next week, I had given my notice on my apartment. Within another two weeks, I was moved and had rented an office for my coaching and intuitive guidance and healing work. It happened so quickly, everything falling into place so easily, that I knew it was my blessing for having walked through the valley of the shadow of death again.
Now, I’m living in a forest, listening to the pines as the wind brushes through them. On stormy days I watch it rain or snow. In the dark of night, I often walk outside to view the moon hanging above the trees, its pale lantern of light spilling over the branches. I am the happiest I’ve been in decades!
I still have a few lingering withdrawal symptoms, but they are minor. I’ve learned to practice extreme self-care and love and kindness for myself. I rest more often instead of pushing myself. I won’t allow anyone to pull me down or pull me into their drama; my boundaries are the healthiest they have been in my entire life. I eat organic. I go to bed earlier. I pace myself in all things. I also give thanks every day for everything in my life. I’m profoundly grateful.
I survived a horrible set-back. It wasn’t fun, but it taught me a great deal about finding the courage to carve out the life I want. I moved three hours away from my four children and two grandbabies to live where I am the most nourished. Nothing and I mean nothing, will ever again come between me and my wellbeing, my wholeness. Loving myself in thought and action is my top priority these days. When I love myself, I’m available to love others.
If you are worried that you may have a setback, please do your best to push that fear aside. I’ll be blogging soon about things you can do to avoid a setback. Please know that there does come a time in our recovery when our receptors are healthy and healed and that setbacks can’t and won’t happen. I don’t fear another setback, and you shouldn’t either.
It’s so good to be back on this site. Good too, to be coaching again. I’ve missed you all so very much my precious friends.
Jennifer
you are an inspiring person Dr. jenn!!! I’m so glad your doing better!!
I am very glad to hear you are starting to feel better. As a person who has a sensitive nervous system after stopping clonazepam a few years back, I understand the need to calm yourself down and remove yourself from a stressful situation. I am not sure what exactly caused your setback, assuming there were issues other than what you listed (cross country trip, new car smell, car vibrations, etc.).
However, I am concerned about how this may play out in the long run. You said you are mostly healed now after several months, but in order for this to happen, you had to move hours away from your family and are avoiding anyone who causes stress or drama. While this situation would be great for immediate healing, for the majority of people, running off to live in the mountains and avoiding stressful situations is not what I would consider healed. It is not possible to avoid all stress and all things that affect GABA indefinitely. Just a change in mood from watching TV affects GABA/glutamate, so trying to avoid anything that could “affect” GABA is pointless. Yes, we all need to learn better coping skills, and getting back to nature and fresh air is great for healing and something we could all use more of. That being said, we can’t just avoid stressful things. I have found myself in a predicament recently, because I spent so much of my healing time “distracting” myself from stressful things that I never learned to deal with the little daily issues that we must deal with every day. I wish I would have spent more time learning skills that would help me with everyday issues instead of constantly distracting myself every time I felt anxious. It wasn’t until I started pushing myself quite a bit that things really started settling down. Forcing myself to go out to family dinners and overwhelming parties worsened things at first (kicked up my derealization for a couple of weeks) but as I kept doing them repeatedly, they got easier and easier, and I no longer have the issues I did for so long. (The derealization that I had for over a year went away in less than a month after I started pushing myself to do more activities – even though it kicked up first for a couple of weeks before disappearing) I kept living by the philosophy of “taking it easy and give yourself time to heal” – I think this is the worst thing I could have done for myself . Yes, I still have bad days where I need to back off and recoup a bit, but I did so much more healing in the time that I kept pushing myself, even though I had some bad setbacks, than I did when I just kept resting and distracting. There were many times when I had to distract, because the physical pain was beyond bearable, but when things were better, I really wish I had started pushing myself sooner to do more things and get my head in the game instead of constantly trying to avoid as many stressors as possible. Don’t get me wrong, my nervous system is still very sensitive and I still have issues, but isolating myself from my friends and stressful family events didn’t do me any favors in the longrun. The anxiety, terror, and panic did not subside until I forced myself to do things that were extremely difficult. Yes, this seriously revved symptoms up for a bit, but it was in setting these symptoms off and “jolting” my nervous system a bit that things finally started settling down. I wonder how many months I could have saved from the terror had I pushed myself earlier?
I don’t know if you are still against supplements, but one of my friends from a benzo support groups was told by her doctor that a couple of her vitamin levels were low. At first she refused to to take supplements, because everything on the internet says not to take them during withdrawal. She finally gave in, and although she had a bad wave for a week after first starting vitamin supplements, she is now feeling so much better, and many of her symptoms, and quite a bit of her anxiety, are gone! I started taking some vitamins, and although I felt off the first few days, my brain fog and cognition are now so much better.
Jennifer, this brightens my day so much! I have thought of you so often and kept you in my sweeties prayers. Thank you for the update! I’m glad to hear that you’re in a good space and taking such good care of yourself! I look forward to hearing about this next chapter in your adventure. 💕
It is good to have you back! I am really happy that you are felling better (been thing of you many times several months). Looking forward to read more of your blogs her :). Your blogs give me hope and encouragement. Keep up a good work lady Jenn 🙂
I’ve been thinking of you as well over these months. Wow, what a journey of change and discovery! You give me hope for the future. So glad you are well! Welcome back! I look forward to reading your blog.❤️
So good to hear from you again! Unfortunately I can totally relate. I’m tapering my antidep right now, 18 months after my Valium taper has ended. It has been unreal to say the least, but I keep pushing through. I too long for nature, selfcare and everything natural. It has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever gone through, the time it takes to recover is insane. I have two small children and a husband, so it’s been very rough and so lonely. I hope one day this will be completely over and a distant memory. Much love from Holland!! 💞
So good to hear this! Good for you for going to where your nourishment comes! God bless!
Hey Jennifer, Glad to see you’re doing better. I was just wondering about you the other day. I, too, am in a pretty good place with my withdrawal side effects, my central nervous system, and my all-around well being. I am so much better than I was four years ago when I was taken off the benzo cold turkey. We do heal, but it does take time.
Lori, so nice of you to stop by. Thanks for sharing with us that you are better. It gives hope to those who are still healing. life will continue to get better and better. Take things easy, and enjoy these good times. You’ve earned them!
Thank you so much for your kind words. I am incredibly happy here. Glad I was brave enough to say. “This is what I want!” and go for it! Keep healing!
You will be over this one day and completely healed. It WILL be just a distant memory and life will go on. Thanks for taking the time to stop by and say hello. All the best to you!
thank you! It’s good to be back. You are going to get well. I know your future is bright and shiny~
Thank you so much for your kind words. I appreciate your prayers. Very much! Keep healing. Life will continue to get sweeter and sweeter!
Sorry if my article wasn’t well-written. I DID NOT run away to the country to heal. I came here because it is what I love. I’ve craved living back in the mountains ever since I moved back to Ca. from Colorado. After my setback, when I was well enough to drive, I came up here to explore the possibility of moving here. I would have healed back in the Bay Area. But I was tired of living there. One bedroom apartments are 3K a month. The Bay Area has the world’s fifth worst traffic. Everyone is in a hurry. The noise from SFO, the commuter trains, sirens, and garbage trucks that rumbled down my street six days a week were all things I didn’t like. Not because I had had a setback, because I didn’t like those things BEFORE benzo withdrawal. I don’t consider myself 100% healed and I’ve never, in all the years I’ve been blogging, said that I was. But I am well enough to have an *amazing* life, living where I’ve longed to live and to be doing the work I love.
As for supplements, everyone is different. Some people are very low and do need to take something. It’s an individual thing, for sure. I am not against anyone taking them. I just want people to know that they can cause a flare. I didn’t know that and when I took vitamin D as my doctor told me to, I was sick for quite some time. So it’s nice for people to know that they *may* have a reaction and to make an informed choice.
Thank you! Good to be back. Keep healing!
Thank you, Heather. You helped me sooooo much! You’re an angel!
Very much appreciate you reporting in after your setback, as it is not common for other people to do so after their respective setbacks (most of these reported on BB and other sites). About one year ago, I was contacted regarding the recent passing of someone extremely close to me, and that news sent me into the worst setback I’ve experienced (almost 7 years off now). It took me until this January for that setback to entirely lift; interestingly enough, it left me with a much improved baseline. Good to know that you are past your setback and operating your website once again.
Hi Jenn, I had major setback this last fall, I was traveling alot going to my boys college football games, alot of airports, crowds , I think
i over task my CNS, came down with diverticitis, giving antibotic for my infections , made my CNS worst, develope shingles in the process
. Just starting to heal again , slow process, resting alot , all my sxt cameback from getting of benzo 6 years ago, read your post. giving
me hope again, many blessing , Perry.
Hi jeniffer so glad I found this and your better…just woke up thinking about you and found this I’m so happy for you !!! Nobody understands this suffering but us who have suffered this insane withdrawal..we need to do what ever it takes to feel better and live a good life after or during this hell…this whole experience makes us want to live our best life ever!!! It’s a lonely scary place to be and you make a decision that no one will do it but you time..and God..only God… God bless and live tthe fullest life ever…xo
Lynne 😀
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, this suffering makes us want to live the best lives possible when we are recovered. That sure is the case for myself. My setback created the courage in me to move where I’ve wanted to live for a very long time: the mountains! I’m so glad I was brave enough to move. And I’m now working with people in my office doing the healing work I love so much (with people not in withdrawal). I’m the happiest I’ve been in a very long time. We DO recover. Life becomes very sweet.
Perry, I am sorry to hear about your setback. You will come out of it even stronger. Give it time. Rest. Eat clean. Avoid stress. Keep us posted on how you are doing, please. We’re sending you good energy.
I am sorry to hear about your loved one passing and your subsequent setback. I am glad that it has passed and that your baseline is even better! That gives everyone hope to hear. Thank you for stopping by and sharing. It is much appreciated.