Don’t you step on my blue suede shoes! Not that there is any danger of that. 1. I don’t own any. 2. Too benzo sick to walk anywhere you might accidentally plod over my toes. 3. Too benzo sick to put on shoes, let alone some fancy shmancy blue ones. Only thing blue around here is my mood.
I’m freaking sick and tired of being sick and tired. Who is with me on this one? I see your hands waving out there. I know. I’d give my left nut for a day with no symptoms. Wait. I’m a girl. No left nut, last time I checked anyway. How about i give a bag of nuts. Almonds. You know they say the amygdala, that little jewel that sits in the middle of our brains sreeeeeching at us to be afraid, is shaped like an almond. I’m so tired of being her bitch. Actually, I’ve gotten rather good at ignoring her. She’s always telling my adrenals to pump, and my sweat glands to go berserk. God only knows what else she is in charge of in there. Sure wish my brain would cobble some more GABA receptors back together so AMY, as I call that part of my brain, can be put into check. Sternly. With a crop and a ball gag if necessary. Just STFU AMY.
But I digress from my main thought. I feel like Elvis. No, I haven’t gained a paunch or grown sideburns. I don’t know how to curl my lip or sing sexy. But I do know how to turn my days upside down like he did. I’ve heard that he slept a lot during the day so he could go out at night when there were fewer people to bother him. (I’ve read he was on a benzo too, poor bugger.) I feel so incredibly sick in the mornings that I stay in bed until the crack of noon. When I do get up I drag myself to the couch and plop down. My apartment is pretty small, so we are talking only a handful of strides. But that’s enough to exhaust me. When I am vertical, the head pressure is awful. I am so dizzy. Not spinny like I played beer pong with the frat boys, but a sense of disequilibrium. I feel like a new foal, not knowing quite where my legs should go.
The mornings/afternoons are spent in distraction. I am creating websites for people (bayareacolorconsulting.com) and my own to help coaches with their writing needs. As long as my mind is engaged, I can tolerate my misery.
By late afternoon/early evening, I am less symptomatic. Not well, but I don’t feel that I could fall off the face of the planet and float away to some place no one will ever find me. By ten PM I am usually able to watch a movie and *almost* forget I am battling benzo recovery syndrome. So like The King, I like the nightlife. Such as it is, sprawled on the couch with gum wrappers strewn about, day old dishes with flecks of dried food clinging to the rims, and water glasses that have made permanent soggy circles in my table top. My hunch is Elvis was having more fun than I am in the night. I shit load more fun.
I want to reassure everyone out there who is healing that we do recover. But I don’t know anymore. I really don’t. The mental lets up for me and WHAM the body crap takes over. It is beyond exhausting.
The sun has set here in the west. A breeze picks up momentum here in the garden. I am writing in the dark, happy that the bulk of the day is behind me. I survived it. Etch another mark into the wall. I try not to think about tomorrow. That would be too depressing and scary. Cause you and I both know I’m not going to wake up suddenly healed and have my life fall into place. Stay in the moment. I’m trying. I’m trying.
I sure wish I was well enough to buy some snazzy new shoes and hit the town. I’d show everybody my moves. I think I used to have some, years ago. 🙂 Until then, I put one stubborn foot in front of the other. All they way to my couch, then the bed. And sometimes, I push myself out into the garden, and pray that soon I can feel alive again. I feel so shut down and cut off at times.
Maybe my next post should be that I feel like Walk Disney. He’s frozen, the poor sonofbitch. And I thought I had problems. 🙂
Onward .Sigh. Onward.
Aw.. : ( I SO relate..it feels excruciating ..Im sorry Jennifer : ( I feel kinda ok but if im sitting or resting..then..there r better days..I know u’ll make it. Look at Bliss and Don n the others..feels as if never going to end w/these symptoms..theres hope but in meantime torture..That time of the month approaching..any stress or new stress makes it worse and have to take breaks alot. Im tryn not to think n then think step at a time..I pray to God..ur gardens nice to have. I found a nature area almost in my backyard w/a pond etc..nice..but hard get there at times then helps..try not do to much 4 my body to handle. Even 2 much social lifes a trigger..I pray 4 u to get thru this and all. U give hope. We try do whats right 4 our body n self n its a toll..
Oh Jennifer, just reading your blog makes me laugh. I know, it’s not a laughing matter but we have to find some humor in it somewhere. I’ve had the intense head pressure and terrible balance problems with this last wave of mine also. It just doesn’t seem to want to let up. I guess our brains are working hard to right themselves. It’s a very scary feeling though. It hasn’t let up since mid June. Oh well, I would still rather be where I am today than still be putting that poison in my body. I’m thankful that I’m free from that drug. Our body’s will slowly heal from the damage, and then we’ll start our next chapter in life healthy and drug free. We’ve got that to look forward to. Stay strong
I know that benzo recovery isn’t just glad talk. I’ve witnessed it over and over. But for some of us (like you and I), it’s a looooong road back to health. Never give up hope. Keep filling your life with good distractions. That’s what I’m doing.
I hope you are right. I’m still in bed at noon. Just can’t force myself to get up and face the day. I’m burning. Tingling. Hurting. Exhausted. Head pressure. Bone pain. Nerve pain. Depressed. Anxious. Miserable. I WANT to believe it ends. But when? I don’t see an ebbing of the tingles. Had them every day now for years. I hope it all goes away. I want to wake up and not think about Wd. Death. Fear. Depression. Anxiety. Etc. Just wake up and go about my life focused on the tasks at hand. Laugh. Love. Have an adventure. Travel. Those things stopped in 2010 when I started my taper. I don’t know what it’s like to NOT be in Wd. Not obsessing about death. Not anxious. Not depressed. I know bliss says that’s she’s better than ever. Even better than pre k. I hope I can get there. Some days I’m
Full of hope. Others I’m so defeated. Today is a defeated day. So tired of being Benzo sick.
Hang on Jen…your ability to bring humor to such a horrible situation shows yor true nature and spirit. YOU, the real you is still there, lurking on the fringes of your trapped existence…we see it, even if you don’t….and YOU have been released before and it will happen again…and you will get back to your life…keep the faith and stay strong….
Hugs
Thanks. I sure hope so. Today felt so hard. Tons of fear. Tired. Hard to sit or stand. Just a freaking mess.
I’m glad u see me in here. I feel
Like a scared two year old who has lost her blankie. Ugh.