It’s been a hard week. The news of Kate Spade’s and Anthony Bourdain’s deaths have triggered many in the benzo community. When we read accounts that both of these celebrities were possibly taking a benzodiazepine, our feelings range from fear and panic to anger and outrage. Fear that we may end up like them, and outrage that we are suffering from benzo withdrawal (and possibly Kate and Anthony were as well) at the hands of the medical community we trusted It’s a lot of emotions to cope with. Let’s all take a slow deep breath and a long exhale and create a more healthy narrative to tell ourselves so that we don’t stay in a heightened state of arousal. After all, with damaged GABA receptors, we need to avoid stress, and the news reports have been incredibly stress-provoking.
First, you are not either Kate or Anthony. Your recovery is your recovery. It will unfold as unique as you are. You are not doomed to have an unhappy ending to your healing journey. Quite the opposite. You are healing and headed toward a much healthier and happier life once your GABA receptors heal. No matter how many symptoms you have today, or how deep your suffering, you are going to get better. You are going to be able to rejoin life and do all the things you are missing out on today. You will go on to forget about this season of suffering in your life; you will be so thrilled to be out and enjoying your life again! If your benzo brain is trying to convince that you are not going to make it, just observe those thoughts, don’t’ get hooked by them. Don’t give them any energy. Rise above them. Know that they are just thoughts and they are not predictors of the future. They are simply thoughts. Tell yourself something positive and then get your hands busy with something. Our minds will often follow our hands and become engrossed in our activity. Remember, the thought that your recovery will never end, or end badly, is a lie. It is not the truth.
Second, it’s not clear if either Kate or Anthony were aware that their medications could have been making them feel worse. If they were taking a benzo as we presume (one article stated that Kate was on anti-anxiety medication and another reported that Anthony listed Valium as one of the things he wouldn’t travel without), we don’t know if they were educated about tolerance withdrawal. If they were in tolerance withdrawal and uneducated about benzos, they would most likely have presumed that their anxiety or depression (or worsening of such states) was organic, that this was just the way they were. You can imagine how distraught that would have made them feel. But you know better; you are aware that your uncomfortable emotional, physical, and cognitive symptoms are caused by withdrawal from your benzodiazepine—whether that is tolerance withdrawal, inter-dose withdrawal, tapering withdrawal, or cessation withdrawal. You know that your GABA receptors have been down-regulated from the benzo. You know that the bizarre symptoms you are experiencing are not you, they are from the drug, and that they will go away, in time.
Third, your first and foremost job right now is to heal. That means that everything comes second to your recovery. Which means, among other things, that you avoid stress. It’s okay to take a break from the news on television, in the papers, or on social media. It’s okay to not post anything about benzos on your social media accounts in response to the news about Kate and Anthony. You don’t have to save anyone right now. There will be time, when you are more recovered, to post about withdrawal and to become an activist on some level if you so desire. But for now, remind yourself that you don’t have to read, watch, or post anything if it upsets you. There will be plenty of time to share your experience, strength, and hope with others down the road. So don’t feel guilty if you are avoiding news stories or avoiding sharing on social media. Your main job is to heal. Period.
It is sad that the world has lost these two incredibly talented souls, that’s true. But we can do our best to cope with our big emotions and to do our best to quiet our central nervous system. We can be mindful of the stories we tell ourselves, making sure that our internal dialogue is as positive as possible. And when it is not, we simply overlook the negative thoughts, distract, and do our best to replace the scary story with positive words and a positive plot. You are going to heal. Your nervous system is designed to recover. If you scraped your knee, you wouldn’t worry about it healing. Don’t worry about your nervous system healing. It knows what to do! We just need to get out of its way and to give it the time it needs.
If you are struggling with the news about Kate or Anthony or struggling with any aspect of benzo withdrawal, please reach out to someone who will listen, care, and support you. Don’t suffer in silence for that is a breeding ground for negativity that is very unhealthy. If you are experiencing suicide ideation (often a withdrawal symptom), please let someone know. Have a plan of action should you feel you will act on those thoughts. It may be embarrassing to tell someone just how bad you are feeling, but please speak up. This is not the time to be stoic. We all need support in benzo withdrawal. A lot of support. Don’t be shy about asking for what you need. If someone can’t give it to you, ask someone else.Keep asking until you get what you need.
I’m here if anyone needs to share their feelings, but please know that I am not trained in suicide prevention, so if you are suicidal, seek appropriate help. The national suicide hotline is:
Sending my love to each and every one of you.
When I was in tolerance only weighing 50 kilos (I’m 5ft 9) in a constant state of terror unable to eat, shower or even speak and obsessing about suicide I would have given everything I own and more to have known it was the very pill I put in my mouth time and time again that was causing my torture. Discovering WHAT was harming me was the biggest relief I had ever experienced, if I hadn’t discovered it there is no doubt it my mind I would have ended my life. These poor people believe this is their true selves because that is exactly what their drs tell them just as mine did over and over again. Knowledge is power and once we have that power we can make steps to improve our situation, these poor people were powerless. At 2 years off I’m still very unwell but nothing compared to how tortured I was on Ativan.
Thank you Jennifer! Your posts are always fantastic and encouraging!
Thank you for the thoughtful words on these terrible tragedies. Such a tough week, especially for those of us dealing with benzo withdrawal. But, their stories, while tragic, are not our stories! There are resources for help. We just need to reach out to them. My hope is these sad events start to shed some light on the terrible epidemic in our country. We hear a lot about the opiate crisis. I can only hope for a day when psychiatric medications are put under the same scrutiny, when doctors don’t prescribe them like candy for every little thing, when they explain the potential consequences of taking drugs like Xanax or Ativan. I am 12 weeks into a cold turkey withdrawal journey. Not every day is great, but I am healing every day. I was only on Xanax, at a low dose, for 3 months. I remember my doctor telling me, “no, it is not addictive at this low a dose.” We all know that isn’t true. The damage to my CNS after that short time was not insignificant. But, I know I will fully heal. We all need to remember that we WILL heal. Our bodies are capable of amazing things.
My name is Laurie. I have been on benzos for 7.5 years. At 6 years, I became ill on them not knowing I was in tolerance withdrawal. I became extremely anxious, more like sheer terror. I was agoraphobic, a complete zombie, obsessed about everything, intrusive thoughts, no energy, no motivation at all. I realized valium was the culprit after doing research on long term effects of benzos. I began my taper 6 months ago from 10mg valium to 4mg. It is complete hell. I am determined and have seen improvement. I have about 4 months to be done but struggle everyday. I strongly urge others out there to be aware of what dr’s are giving you. This is a silent epidemic. Dr’s and Big Pharma want to make you a repeat customer. Beware!
After 13 years of benzodiazepines 6 months Xanax .5mg X2 daily, 12 years Clonazepam from 3mg to 1.5mg daily, 9 years Zolpedem 10mg daily.
Three failed tapers, kindled third taper after up dosing because I had up dosed many times. Final taper. Crossed to Valium 5mg 2 1/2 months ago. Now micro tapering just under 2mg.
I have been as positive as I know how to be. I think that I have come along way considering what I have endured. I have suffered delusion, psychosis, terror, irrational fear, fear that I am going insane, the feeling like I’m being burned alive from the inside out hugging myself in agony, crying out loud help me in the middle of the night, unable to speak because of the pain, unable to form sentences, fear of being committed, agoraphobia, feeling as though I am being eaten alive by fire ants stinging me in my mouth, nose, ear canal, tounge, teeth, esophagus, lungs, eyes, my feet like being boiled in a pan of water, my skin on my whole body feeling like there’re bugs and worms crawling on top of and underneith it, six days without sleep, severe lack of sleep, akathesia where it was impossible to sit or lay down for more than minute for five months, tenitis that sounds like a jet air plane so defening you can’t think, finger and toe nails burning, my teeth and gums burning, extreme anxiety, laying on the floor for 6 months because it’s less painful, afraid to go to bed because I knew that I would wake up feeling like I’m being burned alive, horrible nightmares, afraid to eat food, afraid to take meds, afraid of my wife, forgetting who I am , thinking that I was being held hostage, writhing in pain on the floor unable to speak as the family watched and could do nothing, afraid of TV, afraid of the computer, afraid to drive, afraid to be seen, crapping on myself, feeling like a hot iron was shoved up my butt, losing my income, not knowing if I would ever be normal again, prayed to die, question my salvation and God’s love, all day and night 24/7 for almost seven months. The list goes on…
I am doing much better now, still a little nerve pain, tenitis. I am under 2mg Valium, I will soon be off forever.
I’m about 90% healed now.
I thought that I was never going to be well again! I was wrong, you will get better!
Praise God for helping me cope with and heal from this horror story!
Thank you everyone for sharing that it sure isn’t easy and I do hope they do something to stop this madness..it breaks my heart to see all this even my sister who won’t listen who just keeps getting worse no one wants to believe what these drugs really do..I talked to a friend about my suffering and it’s been seven years and I can tell by her face and answer …she thinks I’m exadurating..which makes us healing feel even crazier and because sometimes your brain can’t work properly it really makes you wonder ..but know something is really wrong…then I think I am crazy but when I wake up still with static vision and double vision.pains in head ear popping lost hair anziety that is like fear and ringing in ears….I know I’m not healed yet….what else could it be.? I’m not crazy this is real.and it will come!!! But I pray one day this will stop and people will see..which I believe will happen.i just hate when they call these poor people addicts..even us.we trusted our doctors…anyway we will heal..it’s just all timming..God bless you guys….we will heal..xo
Spot on. As soon as I heard the news about Kate, I said, “There’s a very good chance she was in tolerance withdrawal or withdrawal and didn’t even realize it.”.
Great post, thank you!