Ray tooth, horse incisor, tapir tooth, glyptodont scute
Three years into my recovery from benzo withdrawal (June 2014), I experienced a setback brought on by plowing back into life too quickly. I had taken on the responsibility of teaching a class at Stanford University on the neuroscience of creativity; it was too much stress on my nervous system. My symptoms were horrible, in fact, so horrific that I spent a week in the hospital. A few months later, I began to feel a bit better. Not healed, but better. As symptoms lifted, I decided to rent a camper and drive across the USA to give hope to others in benzo withdrawal. I began that journey in early January 2015. I made my way across the southern states and eventually stopped at our farm in northeastern Georiga to visit my parents. The three of us drove to Ponte Vedra Beach to hunt for fossils that wash up on the shore, a rather esoteric family tradition that has been ongoing since I was a child. 
I was happy to be there, but walking on the beach made my head symptoms increase; tingles, pressure, and disequilibrium. I tired quickly; my legs felt like wet noodles. But I managed to enjoy my time with my parents.
Fast forward to May 2017, and I was once again at Ponte Vedra Beach with my parents to hunt for fossils. That time, walking the beach was easier. I’d get a sense of disequilibrium from bending down so often to pick up a fossil, but it wasn’t anything that genuinely bothered me. Sometimes I’d get tingles, but again, nothing that was disturbing. I thought I was pretty much healed.
October 1, 2021, back again at Ponte Vedra Beach with my parents. My sister flew in from California to join us. There weren’t many fossils on the beach this visit, but we didn’t care. Being together as a family was what mattered. I walked the beach for long periods, listening to the gentle waves. On this trip, there were no benzo symptoms, and my stamina had greatly improved. My parents even commented about how strong and healthy I was compared to the last times I’d been with them.
The seven-hour drive back to our farm in Georgia gave me time to reflect. I pressed the memories of the week to my heart, cherishing the time with my ninety-one-year-old parents, knowing that this could have been our last beach trip together.
October 7, 2021
I’m writing this post a few days before I fly back to San Francisco. I’ve been here at our farm for almost three weeks, helping my parents. I am grateful that I have recovered and can be of assistance to them. I am thankful that my nervous system can handle the emotions that arise from the knowledge of where my parents are in their lifespan. The journey of healing from benzo withdrawal gave me the opportunity to learn how to cope with stress and anxiety and to be present to all that is.
I no longer need a drink or benzo to cope with life. My recovery is complete: I am healed from benzo withdrawal and recovered from my pre-existing anxiety. Life has never been sweeter, even when it’s bittersweet, as it is now, with my aging parents.
Life is precious. Keep going. Keep healing. You will get here. I promise.
Beautiful written as always Jenn!
Yes agreed, eloquent and graceful words.. Thanks Dr. Jen !
Thanks for sharing Jen. How long in total did it take you, and what was key in dissolving the anxiety and learning to cope with both life’s stressors and overwhelming emotions please ?
My benzo recovery was long. I’ve rewired my nervous system by living the four cornerstones of well-being. Eat right, move enough, stress less, and love well. They really do work!
So glad you had a beautiful time to cherish!
Thank you for posting this and your encouraging words.
I appreciate this; it gives me hope. I’m also grateful to see you with your beautiful family. I wish you an uneventful trip back to SF.
I was a slow healer, for a few reasons. It took me a few years. The best thing for overcoming anxiety is the Four Cornerstones: eat right, (WFPB diet), move enough, stress less, and love well. These things rewire our brains, the nervous system, heal our gut (which is married to our brain/nervous system), and grows more connections to a region in the brain, the VMPC, that squelched anxiety. Safety is key to healing. Reminding ourselves that we are safe is critical. This is why I teach my clients about polyvagal theory and am an impassioned advocate for a whole-food, plant-based diet, as it reduces inflammation and avoids turning on the sympathetic nervous system.
Thank you Jennifer for sharing the intimate details of your recovery. Your words validate the suffering and the damage we are experiencing. Words cannot express how important your words are to me. Recently being told by my psychiatrist that he could get me off in five days and that benzos have been linked to dementia. Then stating quote “but you go ahead and keep taking it”.I have begged my last three doctors to help me slow taper off benzos. His response was “not a chance“. This is how to kill a patient. You have a beautiful family and a beautiful heart. I remain determined to finish my taper.
Hi Dr Jenn 😃. Thank you for sharing your lovely family photo., as we feel your joy. I wanted to ask , after a overly stimulating event, if you (or anyone here pls) went immediately into wave or typically a day or two following? Thank you for any consideration 🙏🏻❤️
Thank you for all of your support for the last 4 1/2 years. Your writings were the only ones that I could relate to during the horrific first 3 years. Not understanding how I was alive but wishing sometimes that I wasn’t, was a long struggle, but you tell us to be patient. I recently took a 5,000 mile road trip in 12 days and though I cannot be certain, I believe that I am finally healed. God bless you to the moon and back.
Hi dr.jenn I love your posts, they really help me stay sane. I’m new at this and have commented before,but maybe too far after the date. I hope you and others will see this and send me encouragement please. Iv been struggling for 22 months now. Iv been to so many drs and hospital 3 times. I was diagnosed with mono,lyme other diseases. They changed my BP meds several times and put me on antibis and parasite meds for 10 months.this destroyed my gut. None of this worked and until I skipped my xanax 1 night I never thought my symptoms were from xanax interdose withdrawal and needing higher doses. Not 1 Dr. Said it could be benzo withdrawal. I lost 34lbs in 6 months and still can’t gain weight.im very thin. I tapered off xanax in 3 months and am now 53 days clean. I was hoping things would be better but not yet. My symptoms now are horrible anxiety,heart palps,nightmares,depression,tingles,stuffy nose,trouble breathing,red eyes w circles,blurry vision ect. I’m also wondering if it’s norm a l for cortisol levels to be high and immune system low. Drs don’t know the answers. I feel like I’m loosing myself and only my faith in Jesus and my beautiful family keeps me going. Please respond with any encouragement you can.God bless you!
Jenn, your story is testimony to how the greatest challenges in life can be the catalyst to profound growth and awakening. Thank you for inspiring all of us to do the same with our own suffering and providing us the tools for this alchemy.
Dr. Jenn,
I’m at almost 30 months med free, coming out of a wave, and having some better days again. I seem to be having days that are “up & down” within the day itself. I can feel terrific for most of the day. For example I won’t even want to talk or think about withdrawal. Then come evening, it changes. I feel benzo flu or like I’m on a boat which leads to fear. I’ll be scared to go to bed because I think I’ll wake up sicker. That fear can lead me to thinking I’ll end up sick forever and in a nursing home.
Then the night comes and goes and I’m fine and I have worried about nothing.
I know it’s a symptom. Chemical fear.
I still have an issue with acceptance, on bad days especially. Back in January I put together a “Wave Kit” – coloring books – a paint kit- brand new soft jammies to rest in- words of encouragement that I typed out – from myself to myself that I wrote to read in the event of a wave. Put it all in a nice pink duffle bag. I went all the way to August wave free. When a wave hit did I pull out that wave kit? No. Because I didn’t want to accept that I had another wave. I felt like it was “taboo” or something. If that isn’t a sign of being terrible at acceptance I don’t know what is.
Feeling defeated today with benzo flu and boatiness symptoms. I am in a chair coloring because that’s all I feel up to doing. Yesterday I had plans to do so much more. Today I’m in a chair crying and coloring, and I make it worse when I don’t accept it.
Is “fighting” the need to just sit and rest and accept a symptom in itself ? It seems so simple after the fact when the fear symptom lifts again, but when I’m in the “thick of it” I make it worse. It can get so out of control that I’m crying about all I can’t do, and I have to calm myself down. Like I loose the ability for a moment to be rational (and self care, self soothe) and do what’s best for myself in that moment.
Maybe I should tell my husband (he’s very supportive) that when I get like this to sit me down, let me cry and talk it out. The sooner the better. ??? Weird. Like “rapid cycling” .. Is this what “rapid cycling” of symptoms is?
– Shelly
Shelly, I am sorry to hear that sometimes it is overwhelming. I get it, though. I had those moments as well. We all do. I am glad you created a “Wave Kit!” That’s wonderful. I can understand how you feel when the last wave came on and you didn’t want to use your kit. Acceptance can be challenging. I think it’s best to honor our bodies and to rest when we need to. To cry when we need to. I’m glad you have your husband’s support. Know that this wave will pass. Things will get better. So rest, cry, and color when you feel you want to. Sending my love.
Thank you, Caroline, for your kind words. Keep healing, my friend. I love you so much.
Lulu, we often have lab results that are out of the normal range. Usually, things return to normal as we heal. I am not an MD, so I can’t say anything about anyone diagnosis or labs. All I can say is to keep doing the things that we know help us to heal: Eat right, Move enough, Stess less, and Love well. You WILL recover. Sending my love.
Rhonda, thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them very much. I’m so happy that you were able to take a road trip! That’s awesome. Can you share some pictures?