I remember turning the key in my front door when I came home from the hospital after my cold turkey from my prescribed use of Clonazepam. The door opened, just as it had a thousand times before, and I walked into my apartment. Everything was just as I had left it the week before, but everything felt eerily different. I walked over to my couch and laid down (a position that over the next few years I’d find myself in so often that I wore a divot into the cushions). “I’ll be fine in a few weeks,” I said out loud to reassure myself. I had already spent eight grueling months in a failed taper. I couldn’t imagine spending much more time in benzo withdrawal than I already had.
Ha. Little did I know.
My recovery would take years and test the limits of my patience, faith, and strength. And I’m not alone. There as many of us who blow past the six-eighteen months “average” for healing from the damages a benzodiazepine can cause. Frankly, I wish that the average would either be changed to reflect a possible longer recovery time; or better yet, do away with a timeline all together. Healing is going to take however long it takes. I don’t like the term “protracted.” It connotes that we “should” have healed but for whatever reason, we haven’t. (It’s hard enough battling benzo withdrawal; harder still to feel as if you’ve flunked it somehow by not healing in time.)
For those of us who have seen eighteen months off our benzo come and go, perhaps we aren’t taking longer than normal. This IS our normal. Perhaps there is something about our DNA, our makeup, our central nervous system that needs a lot of runway. A long withdrawal doesn’t mean a permanent withdrawal. We need to remember that. (Baylissa reminds me from time to time!)
I don’t like saying I’m in protracted benzo withdrawal. I like saying, “I’m healing,” I don’t like to look back (seven years off the drug next month) nor look ahead. I do my best to stay right here in today. And you know what? Today is pretty damn good because I am alive! So are you. No matter how symptomatic you are right now, no matter how long you’ve been in withdrawal, you are going to recover and get on with your life. You’ll even get past the vulnerability of having a setback. You’ll be so busy living your life in full bloom technicolor that you won’t have time to remember the suffering you experienced. Seriously. You won’t dwell on what you’ve lived through. You’ll be too busy living!
If you are still experiencing benzo withdrawal symptoms, know that one day they will fade away. No one stays “benzo sick” forever. You are healing.
Bridget, are you saying you should have tapered more slowly? I just began a liquid taper yesterday after reinstating on 1.5mg Klonopin. I was basically CT in a 4 day detox in February from 2.5mg Xanax. Three months off and I was spiraling so I reinstated.
Bridget, I do believe that you will heal, in time. There isn’t anything about going cold-turkey that would cause permanent damage that I am aware of. I am sorry you are stiff suffering. Hopefully, you can find ways to distract and find some joy in a few things that you can do. I know my garden helped me, especially on the days when I felt that I couldn’t do anything, or that I’d never recover. I had to drag myself out there on many occasions as I felt so sick and weak, but I got out there and tended to my flowers. Doing our best to maintain a positive attitude is important while we heal. I don’t agree with you that people on Benzobuddies are mentally ill. They are in benzo withdrawal. Sure, some of the advice there isn’t the best, but the suggestion to not reinstate after a month off comes from Dr. Ashton herself. I think that was the advice you were given, yes? Although Baylissa didn’t cold-turkey, she has been in the trenches with people in benzo withdrawal for 12 years now, I think it is. She has seen a lot of people suffering for many years slowly recover. So has Una and Geraldine, who both say that healing is the eventual outcome. We may need to work on healing our guts or our livers, but we do heal, in time. Keep holding on. I know you will get better.
There isn’t a Goldilocks solution to tapering: no “it’s not too hot, it’s not too cold, it’s just right” path. I wish there was. For many people, even a slow taper causes (sometimes severe) symptoms. Every one is different. Even Ashton’s taper is too fast for some people. All we can do is do our best to minimize symptoms and get off the drug safely. I hope your reinstatement works and that you can taper down without too many symptoms. Let us know how you are doing.
Thank you for this fantastic post Jennifer! It is exactly what I am going through! When I first started withdrawal I figured it would take about six months to heal from what I read. When I hit 12 months I started getting upset thinking I would never heal. Then I started reading about many others taking one to two years or more to heal and started adjusting to the fact that I was normal. I really agree with your post as I think the same things. The fact that it can take a longer time should be enforced!
Bridget… I’m going to pray every day for you.The fear of the fear is the worst. I’m 14 months out and still having leg weakness and severe anxiety on and off.Thanks Jen for the excellent post. Love to all, nicki x
PS dear Bridget.. Jen is right.Do take a look at gut health. It’s made a big difference to me. I make my own kefir from raw milk. I’m convinced that a lot of my issues stemmed from chronic candidiasis.. obviously not the whole story. Take care… Love from across the pond in Birmingham uk xx
Great post Jenn…..I also don’t like the word Protracted…that word separates us from those who heal in a shorter period, as if there is something wrong with us and that is keeping us sick longer. It’s very demoralizing to pass the 2-3year mark and still be healing…..and be put into a category of long time healing….we are all still healing….
Bridget,(aka Nini) I think you gave away too many details of your withdrawal and recovery. I know who you are and you were banned from this sight several months ago. Changing your name just to get back on here and stir up trouble isn’t acceptable. Sorry Jennifer, but I tried to help this ‘guy’ for about 10 months. Worst mistake I ever made during my long, painful journey.
Jennifer, I was wondering whether or not to make a comment about something that happened to me about a week ago. Since Nicki commented on gut health, I’m taking that as my cue to jump in with what I have learned, for myself. Last week I literally pooped out a parasite. It really freaked me out, but I am so thankful that I did that, or I wouldn’t have believed that I’m infected with parasites. (Worms) I started researching immediately and began a parasite cleanse with Black Walnut Worm Wood. I had some on hand from a few years ago. I’ve already had a Herxeimers reaction so I slowed it down. I had a great weekend, mentally, and physically. Most of the symptoms of having a parasite and getting rid of one are neck and neck with Benzo withdrawal symptoms. I was flabbergasted to say the least, but then hopeful. Since 85% of Americans have these buggers and our diets are so poor, containing lots of sugar, simple carbs, processed foods etc.it made total sense to me that this could be making our recoveries much longer and harder. Someone on BenzoBuddies made this connection and they got pretty beat up over it. I am 2 days into my 48th month. I have nothing to lose by trying this. I’m not advising anyone to do anything except research it on your own. I think parasites are behind MANY illnesses. If I hadn’t passed one, I’d probably be skeptical myself, even though I researched this subject years ago. I’ll let you know, if anyone wants to know, how I’m doing/feeling in the near future. Thanks Jennifer for EVERYTHING. ♡
This has just turned quite disturbing! I’ll be exiting for awhile.
I will also be exiting this site. This is just too much for me. I try to avoid drama and negative people, just read your blogs to get some hope but lately it is disturbing!
Thank you for wonderful writing, Jennifer and hope your healing continues ❤️.
We all heal in time!
Keep us posted how it goes! We’d all like to know if it helps. Good luck!
Sorry for the drama. I have deleted the offending posts and will be watching more carefully in the future. I want this site to be a positive place. We DO heal, in time. It may take years for some of us, and we may need to address other health issues that the stress and strain of withdrawal may have caused, but we do get our lives back, and life is very sweet after the nightmare of benzo withdrawal!
I didn’t catch that, so thank you.
Thank you Jennifer! You just released some of the angst I’ve had for 24 hrs.♥
That person has been banned. In the future, ALL comments must go through me first. I’ll review them once a day, so please be patient to see your comments posted. That’s the only way I know to ensure that we avoid drama here. I want this site to be a place of hope and healing.
I am happy I have found your website. I am 30 months off of just .5 Ativan. I was only on it 4 weeks and 8 weeks of tapering. I find it very difficult to still have symptoms after all this time. I think it is taking longer because withdrawal and perimenopause are at war with each other. I hope they both disappear real soon. My biggest issue right now is pharmaphobia. I can’t even take a simple vitamin or advil or anything without having panic attacks. Anxiety is at its worse as well. I want to try different things that may help me but I am terrified they will make me worse for more years. Anyway I am happy I have found you. When you don’t have support it is very hard. No one knows anything about this unless they has gone thru this themselves. Thank you again for this website.
Thank you so much! I know we all heal in days, months or years but we get better, much better. While waiting it is nice to read your blogs as a positive distraction and place when we can get hope. Hope is what we need while waiting.
I just hate drama and speculations when we actually know very little, accept that we all heal. This process is so individual, non logical and so rough that the last thing we need is people acusing others and making some faulse conclusions.
Thank you again 👍
We do heal. If I didn’t beleive that, I’d not waste my time blogging and doing my best to help people get through this. Sure, some of us have very damaged CNS from the drug and we suffer longer and more deeply than others. But even we heal. If you read Dr. Reggie Pert’s story, he had a horrific withdrawal. He was cold turkeyed more than once and given all sorts of “treatments” at the hands of very uneducated doctors. He healed in the long run. I will do my best to keep the disrespectful comments off of this site. I know that they only add to everyone’s stress.
Glad you are here. I understand how frightening it is to try things. Many of us gave up trying to “cure” our symptoms as so many things, including natural vitamins and supplements made us worse. Time is the only known cure. Lots and lots of it for many of us.
I was wondering how yogurt effects us in withdrawl. I thought it would be good.
Considering gut issues.
I have vanilla,flavored greek yogurt to try. Anyone try yogurt?
I eat organic whole milk plain yogurt from pasture raised cows. I avoid Flavorings, sugars, and thickeners.i also eat small amounts of fermented food as well as drinking beet kvass or fermented vegetable juice. I like Farm House Culture’s Gut Shot, beet and ginger. Everyone has to experiment with what they can or cannot tolerate.
I am grateful to finf this blog that is so much more positive than others. I am supporting my husband. A short term user (I call it an RX gone bad).
We are currently seeing a psychiatrist who is not believing my husband is going through withdrawal (since he is still on Valium and tapering).
I have been making phone calls for the 2 months since we started on this journey and I can’t find a Dr or NP who has experience with this. How can I find a doctor who will help us?
Thanks Jen..I’ve been having some really rough days lately..reading this really helped me tonight..you know my story..my worst is double vision for years!!!!..my son is getting married in September and I’m freaking out..so I think it’s making things worse.bad anziety and can’t think straight.I just want to be better for his wedding..although I know I have no choice…just been tough I thought I would be healed by now ..praying for a miracle!! It’s hard for me to Ingage with this problem you know you had it to…anyway…..thx I really appreciate your help.your doing an amazing job helping us in need…thx jen❤️
I hope that you are able to attend the wedding and feel good! try not to future trip about it. Stay in the present moment and enjoy what’s right here, right now. Let us know how the wedding goes!
found this blog tonight and am glad to see comments that are current, i.e. not from years ago. i am slowly tapering off an 18 year .5 dosage of klonopin prescribed for panic attacks and anxiety. i am down to .25 and am living a life that is mimicking the life before the benzo. this is horrible! i was fortunate to find a doctor who understands the withdrawal process; this after a new psychiatrist told me of the dangers and to get off the drug. he gave me no instructions. my psychiatrist of 20 years kept telling me that my low dose was not addictive…..boy, was he wrong. i have many stressors, a mom with dementia and a profession that requires a constant need to give of myself. there are days that my physical body is in constant pain. days when emotionally all i can do is cry. i am frightened by my own shadow. psychologically i am hanging on, barely. spiritually, i am having a dark night of the soul. thank you for being here. today has been rough. first, almost,panic attack in over a decade. i got out of it but am now afraid of their possible recurrence. i have to believe this will end……someday. oh, i am so angry and owning the anger!
Panic attacks are quite normal in withdrawal. Even people who have never had anxiety or panic can suddenly develop them in withdrawal. Many of us worried that our withdrawal symptoms meant that our old anxiety had returned. Most of us found that as we healed, we didn’t return to our old anxiety state. Make sure you are tapering at a pace that works best for you. You will get through this chapter in your life. I am sorry that you are having a rough time of it. So many of us did as well.