I’m sitting outside this morning under a cool gray sky. The birds are just now waking up, singing their celebration of a new day. I hold my coffee cup in my hands, appreciating the weight and warmth of it. As I sip my decaf, I count my blessings on this fine morning. There are many. There are the birds that flock to the feeders I keep filled with seeds and suet. There are the squirrels that scamper over to the nuts I put out for them. There’s the feral cat I feed. (I’ve named him Ghost.) There’s a red fox with a big black bushy tail. He likes to forage through the grass for fallen bird seed or to steal some of Ghost’s food. There’s the skunk who lives under my cottage and makes his appearance at dusk. There’s the wild turkey who comes to my back door hoping for a handout. And there are the deer that meander through my flowers when I’m fast asleep. I haven’t seen them, but I know they’ve been here; they’ve eaten the non-deer-resistant plants I foolishly tucked into the garden. ( I won’t do that again.) Soon, the pear trees in the orchard will be laden with fruit and the bears will come and bring their cubs to feast. It’s such a delight to live out in the country among the wildlife!
A soft, unexpected rain has broken free from the clouds and splashes down. I pick up my laptop and coffee and retreat inside to my chaise lounge to listen to it. Such a melody! Another blessing to count. Inside, my attention turns to my friends and family. I’m blessed to have so many loving people in my life. When I’m still and quiet in moments like this, I can better connect to the good, to the Divine. I’m grateful for that ability for there were dark days when I was unable to connect to anything that felt remotely good. But God was there all along, waiting patiently for my brain to settle down from benzo withdrawal so that I could see the miracle, the absolutely stunning glory, that life is.
You may not be able to connect with life’s goodness, life’s glory right now, I know. Benzo withdrawal blinds us to it. It’s hard to connect to love, to joy, to the amazing mystery of the Divine—God—call it what you want. It’s hard to believe that life will ever be worth living again. Withdrawal makes life feel like a torture instead of the gift that it is. But I’m here to tell you, to remind you, that life is worth living even in the broken state of benzo withdrawal—even having to endure the unendurable. Life is worth holding on to through the months or years that it takes to heal. It’s worth whatever we have to experience in our recovery to get to this place of wellness, of wholeness.
A gentle breeze now blows in through my window, bringing with it the smell of earth and blossoms from my flower garden. How can I be more blessed than this, I wonder? I’m alive. I made it through years of benzo withdrawal. I’m living in a place teeming with life and with love. And I know, just as sure as I know that the sun will make her appearance tomorrow, that you will arrive in such a sweet place as this. You’ll be surrounded by life again. You’ll be embraced by love. Your heart will be so full of joy and contentment that you’ll wonder how you’ll contain it all—but you will.
My heart is brimming with love. Joy. Gratitude. I savor this sweet morning, knowing that I’ve been blessed beyond measure. As I count my blessings this morning, I’ll count yours for you as well. I’ll start with one, you’re alive. Two, you are loved. Three, you are healing, Four… why don’t you take it from here.
So good jenn..I was just telling my mom how I sometimes feel flat no joy no feelings like I’m not me…this post really made me feel like I’m where I should be I’m not crazy..I read the post about my sons wedding…thx!! I’ll be ok I just don’t feel like I used too and now I know why..I’ve been feeling just lost…even though I know I’m not..I Can’t Wait till I’m me again !!! I will sing for joy and be so greatfull to have survived this unbelievable mess….again I thank you for all your encouragement it’s so hard to get anyone to understand this…just knowing your here helps me know I’m not alone.and we will heal in TIME!!!!❤️
Thank you for sharing! It’s such a struggle everyday… Like groundhog day over and over, feeling so stuck! It’s hard to believe you’ll ever get out of it, it’s so consuming. But, reading posts like this gives hope! I know God is here with me, he loves me, but it’s hard feeling it! I just have to go by his truths and rest in those! For he doesnt leave us, not forsakes us. He does help, brings strength and guides us along the hard road. I truly believe he blesses us in this even when we cannot see.
Not to sound disrespectful, but I don’t feel grateful for being alive, and I definitely don’t feel loved. Even as you, Jennifer, are so kind to me, and other people are as well. I feel alone and cut off from the world no matter what. I’m so tired of living this way. I’m just so tired.
I’m so sorry you’re hurting so much. Many of us can understand what you are going through. We’ve been there. But it does go away. I’m time. Please hold on. And seek help if you ever feel that you could hurt yourself. Stay safe! Life is worth living. We do get better. Sending my love.
Beautiful. I’ve been in a horrific bedridden wave for six weeks today and I don’t think it will ever end!!
So sorry to hear that you’re in a bad wave. It will pass. In time. Hold on. Better days are ahead. Sending my love to you.
Random question you mentioned in another blog about avoiding salmon. I was pretty much vegan then got paranoid about protein and introduced the salmon. Is that s mistake?
I didnt Avoid salmon. I ate It but I was aware that it would make me tingle and have body anxiety. Garbanzo beans did the same thing to me. Personally, I believe That we need animal fats to heal our brains. I’m a big fan of Sally Fallon’s book, Nourishing Traditions. Before I came to this conclusion about animal fats, I went vegan for one month. My withdrawal symptoms got worse. A lot worse. I’ll never try that again! I do My best to eat only organic produce (I’ve got a big garden and I’m growing a lot of my own) and to eat ethically raised meats. I’m lucky that I live near farms that raise animals humanely and healthily. So the answer to your question is to eat salmon. It’s good for you.
Thank you for your share. I can relate to where you’re at now in your withdrawal. I am finding myself so grateful and peaceful just sitting in my surrounding environment, enjoying my coffee and preparing for the day. I know God is with me, and that helps so much. I am thankful for my ability to find peace after 30+ years on benzos and a horrendous withdrawal.