This post is just a rambling from my heart.
I was born and raised in Jacksonville, Florida. I spent my childhood on warm sandy beaches, watching the curls of the waves and swimming in the bath-warm water. My mother taught me how to look for fossilized shark teeth that washed ashore by the thousands. As I grew older, we searched for more exotic finds: fossilized glyptodont scutes, horse teeth, tapir teeth, and dolphin inner ear bones. Fossiling was a family tradition. But it came to an end, at least for a while, when my father moved our family to the San Francisco Bay Area. The cold, kelp-strewn beaches there were nothing like the Florida beaches. Besides, there were no fossils to hunt. My beach-going days were few and far between.
When my father retired, my parents moved to Georgia, where my father had grown up. They built a house on land he had bought from his grandfather, acreage we fondly call “the farm.” Once in a while, I’d fly to the farm and visit my parents. We’d rent a condo at Ponte Vedra Beach in Florida and drive down and stay for a week and look for fossils, just like in the old days. But my benzo withdrawal/BIND years stopped my visits for years. It was hard not to be able to travel to see my parents or to keep the Florida fossil hunting tradition.
Fortunately, we recover from benzo withdrawal/BIND. Eventually, I could travel again. One of the first trips I made was to our farm and then to the beach with my parents. I’m here at the beach now, with my parents and sister, writing this post. The exotic fossils are harder to find, the fossil bed off the coast petering out. But the shark teeth are still fairly abundant. I’ve been walking the beach, bent over, searching for the familiar glint of blueish-black triangles. Sometimes, I sit on a pile of shells and run my fingers through them, hoping a big sand tiger shark tooth will pop out, and sometimes, they do. I’ve listened to the waves— the breathing of Mother Earth—and watched the pelicans flying in a ribbon across the egg-blue sky. I’ve felt the gentle ocean breeze touch my face. I’ve been at peace, embraced by nature. (This may be my last visit to the beach with my parents and sister. My parents are ninety-three, and it is harder for them to get around these days. I am relishing this very precious time with them.)
As I sit and look at the shells giving way in my hands in hopes of dislodging a hidden tooth, I realize that hunting for fossils is a beautiful metaphor for how to live our lives. Look only at what is in front of you. All that matters is what is right now in front of you. And what is there is a gift, for it is life! Looking for fossils also reminds me that we don’t know the wonderful thing up ahead. There is hidden treasure all around us!
In benzo withdrawal/BIND, life can seem overwhelming. Doom and gloom may clutch us in their tight fists. But we must remember that the darkness is only a perception generated by a hyper-excited nervous system. The world is still a marvelous place, filled with magic and mystery.
I’ll do my best to remember to look at only what is in front of me— to keep myself from looking back into the past or peering off into the future. I’ll focus on the here and now, looking for the good and being grateful for it all— trusting that something wonderful awaits up ahead.
Keep healing, my dear friends. We really do recover and live happy and healthy lives.
From my heart to yours from Ponte Vedra Beach, Florida.
Dr. Jenn
Thank you Dr Jenn. Really struggling now, your post helped.
Just went for a 3 am walk to settle my nerves and came back to read your blog. The timing was perfect. Thanks, Richard
I, too, am visiting Florida this week. My family and I drove down from Virginia to take our grandson on his first trip to Disney. I’m only 2 months out after finishing my benzo taper. After a 12 hour drive, my nerves were shot and the first day here was less than stellar. I forced myself to go to the parks and day after day, I have felt better and better. I’m making memories with my grandson despite BIND.
That was beautiful and gives me hope. I have not been to the beach since the beginning of withdrawal. I love to beach comb. Thanks for sharing and maybe I’ll take a trip over to the coast soon
I am in a set back at 6 years off all medications. Some symptoms are the same or similar; others are new – like vertigo and it’s accompanying problems that hit seven weeks ago. But, spring is coming to Alberta, Canada and yesterday I took a cushion and blanket out on the deck and just lay and looked at the blue sky and wispy clouds for half an hour. The peace of that was lovely. I have so much to be thankful for and that reprieve from symptoms for just a few minutes was a gift from God, a reprieve for a few minutes.
Thank you, Jenn, for the picture of serenity and peace that you painted. I have missed out on a lot of things during the past 10 years but I have also gained much as well.
Thank you for your comment. I know it helps others. I am glad to hear you are able to get out in nature now. It is incredibly hearing! We lose things in BWd/BIND, but as you have discovered, we gain a great deal as well. Keep healing! Sending you lots of love and peace.
I hope you can get to the beach soon. It was magic for me to be there. Thank you for adding your voice to the conversation. Let us know when you go and how it was for you!
Congrats! That is wonderful! Car drives can definitely increase symptoms, so I am not surprised that you had a bit of a wave. Good for you for pressing on and making memories! I hope you can rest when you need to. Enjoy this special time with your family.
You are so welcome! Be safe out there in the wee hours. I used to shuffle around the block in just a bathrobe and slipper. I am forever grateful no one ever bothered me. :). Thanks for your comment. Appreciate your being a part of the benzo community on my website. Keep healing!
I am so glad! That is the point of my writing, to help. Thanks for your words here. Appreciate you being a part of the community. Keep healing! You won’t struggle forever. We do heal. Sending you lots of healing energy.
Love all of your messages. I was on Limbitrol DS for over 30 years and felt fine. At the start of the pandemic the company stopped making the pills and doctors. Bad advice from PCPs said to stay off all meds. Two months later under a knowledgeable doctor and psych nurse went
through treatment for six months. I am close to three years off all meds with little help except from you and others online. I was doing well but got hammered when I got my first Covid booster shot this past December. Severe nerve burning, gastro issues and painful joints are now starting to calm down. Missed three summers at camp but hope to be there this year. I just turned 80 and am glad that I only have suffered physically from this dreadful drug. Gardening in Maine has kept me going as well as winter plants and a book group. Each day does matter even though my golf days may be over. I was scheduled to have a knee replaced in March of 2020. Mercifully, with my nerve problems my knee has not hurt. Every once in awhile I feel signs of real pain! And so it goes!
I am glad gardening is helping. It is such a healing thing to do. Keep healing! Thank you for adding your voice to the conversation. Much appreciated. Hope your garden is glorious this year.
Great post Dr Jenn. Thank you.
I see that you know how to make video “reels” because you have a few on your YouTube channel.
While you are doing these things: on the beach looking for sharks teeth, gardening, babysitting, going to an outdoor concert etc. that we hear you talking about, pick up your smart phone, hold it in portrait mode (vertically), put it in “selfie mode” and take short videos of yourself in the video with whatever it is you’re doing in the background.
If you need a reference look at reels that people make. It’s pretty simple. You include yourself with what you have going on in the background. You don’t even really need a tripod. Just holding out your arm to include yourself moving around to show what’s in your background is quite effective.
This way we can see that you are out & about in the world and what you have accomplished in your healing. It’s more real, & more personable. Sitting on the couch in your videos doesn’t have the same effect.
You don’t have to hire someone to edit it. It’s pretty simple. These wonderful trips to the beach could really benefit people showing us that you’re there living a great life after healing.
I will do my best to video more. I am just now starting this year’s exhibition Healing Garden to teach and inspire others to grow their own. I’ll video my process. (I will be holding special live gardening talks in my Heal With Dr. Jenn support group). I appreciate your encouragement. I guess I’m a bit self-conscious about filming my life, but if it helps others, I’ll do it!