The number one thing that helps us heal is time. That’s both the good news and the bad news. Good, in that EVENTUALLY you will put withdrawal behind you and go live your life, bad in that for some of us, it takes an awfully long time, What do you do to hold on when the suffering is so great?
Like ships tossed about on stormy seas, you need an anchor that moors you to safety. My anchor was my garden. On days I was too weak, dizzy or in too much pain to actually garden, I simply sat and watched the birds, bees, butterflies and talked to anyone who walked by. (My garden is in my front yard.) I remember one day when the suicide ideation was incredibly bad I sat and literally held onto the chair arms. I knew that my hands were in a place that couldn’t inflict harm on myself. And I never, ever, ever, really wanted to die. I just wanted the suffering to end. I know if you are in withdrawal you can totally relate.
Having an anchor, a go-to resource, takes the guess-work out of coping. You don’t have to think of something to do on the fly. You KNOW you have something that can help you distract. For Don, our wonderful MadeInPa friend and writer, it was doing hook rugs.
My anchor not only helped me distract from the symptoms, it helped me literally heal some of my core wounds in ways I would have never thought possible. I met hundreds of people, sat and listened to their stories, learned more compassion, and gained a great deal of confidence in myself by living my life out loud, in my front yard. Gardening helps cure depression and anxiety, and working the soil exposes you to a vital bacteria that we need to boost our serotonin levels in our guts and brains. You don’t have to become a gardener, though I highly recommend you consider giving it a try, but you do need something to do with your hands and mind that distracts. Something you enjoy.
I know how debilitating withdrawal is. I cut my hair to one inch long because I was unable to shower for days and days on end. I was too weak to tend to the most basic of survival needs. But even so, I drug myself out to my garden. It gave me a purpose to my days, instead of just suffering. I loved waiting to see the plants grow and bloom. I marked the passing of time with their blooming and fading. I never, in my wildest dreams, thought that I would witness so many seasons come and go in the garden while in withdrawal, but that was the path of my healing.
I am still healing. But I am able to live a relatively normal life these days. When I feel crappy, I know to get outside to the garden and find something to do. I am lucky in that I live in northern California where we can be outside year round. I think of my two dear Montana friends and I know they can’t garden now even if they wanted to. But they can this spring, and so can you, if you want to give it a try. Or maybe you want to do hook rugs, like Don, or maybe you want to sew, sculpt, paint, do word puzzles….whatever floats your boat. Put your whole heart into whatever you chose to do, and get involved as deeply as you can.
The other anchors I used for comfort were my couch and bed. I made sure both were super comfortable. I bought French linens for my bed, a huge expense, especially being so poor from being too sick to work, but worth every penny. My bed transformed from being the place I felt like I was suffering, to a luxurious haven that cradled me. The couch was not as easy to transform, but I did add a lot of throw pillows and a kitten-soft throw blanket I could wrap myself up in. I used to tell friend I was going to burn the couch when I got well, as I had spent far too many months tethered to it, too weak to even push myself outside, but that desire has passed. BTW, the dark thoughts I had in withdrawal have passed as well. The dire predictions I made about the future were mostly just withdrawal induced.
You are going to heal one day. I can assure you that your receptors will cobble themselves back together. Just like if you fell and scraped your knee, it would heal without you doing anything. So too, with your brain. Give it time. It knows what to do. So while it is healing, you go do something with your hands and mind, that keep you busy. Not much turned off my looping, repetitive, obsessional, horrific thought about death, but it did help to focus my attention on DOING something, like dead heading (no pun intended) or weeding. Sometimes I just dug holes, filled them, and dug them again. I needed to be in motion with some small goal to accomplish. That’s really all you need. A small thing to accomplish.
What anchor will you use to keep you safe on the stormy seas of withdrawal?
Jenn
Jennifer,
You are once again the positive, strong woman I “met” in the spring of 2011 on this blog (before your c/t). When I think back on the beginning of your struggle when we were on BW, I am amazed. Back then, I didn’t know a whole lot about w/d, but you were so very ill (as I also was) and I really wondered if we could do it. I’m glad we both made it to this side of w/d.
Last week I got rid of all my yarn for the latch hooking (but I kept the tools in case I want to do a special project one day). I don’t have time for it now. It was a huge anchor for me and helped me distract at least enough to get through time while I was healing. I still have a few wall hangings here to remind me of the greatest victory of my life.
Don
Dearest friend Jenn:
Thank you for the great support and encouragement. You sound so strong minded and well. Wish I could come up with something to do. I bought some silly paint by numbers boards of birds….but just can’t do that kind of small work right now. Puzzles not good. I was making Victorian hats and beaded jewelry before all this happened but both require going out for supplies and both are costly to do. Plus my right hand shakes quite a bit. I have made my couch and bed as comfy as possible but it sure Doesn’t help me sleep that well. I even brought out two of my favorite stuffed animals…silly as that sounds…to put on the bed. Anybody have any good ideas for distraction? Happy new year to all and God bless!
If you like making hats and jewelry I suggest you continue. I hear that both are costly and your hand shakes. So what? My heart raced and I was so light headed I could hardly stand and I went out and hammered raised beds together, and I had NEVER done carpentry like that before. The point is, get around, over, under, etc. all of your reasons NOT to do something. Give it a try at least. If you hand shakes, your hand shakes. See what you CAN do, even with a shaky hand. Of course you may have to stop sometimes. I had to stop gardening when I was too weak or dizzy. I believe that when we push ourselves, even just a little, beyond what we think we can do (or endure) that magic happens.
I used to sleep with a huge stuffed lion. I even carried her around with me at the hospital. I am sure I looked silly. I didn’t give a fig what people thought. I was trying to survive. I now sleep on my side and I put pillows up against my back and stomach. It is comforting to feel them. I also take my horse shoe shaped neck warmer I microwave and I put it over my body, just below my chest, when I am on my side. The buckwheat in it falls on either side of me and the weight is very grounding. I still use this when sx have flared at night.
You can also get weighted blankets that help. In the hospital a nurse gave me a weighted pillow that I placed in my lap. It helped me feel grounded.
I don’t know if anything other than your receptors healing will help with the sleep, but those ideas above may help you feel better.
I truly urge you to give a hand to your old hobbies and see what you can do. Instead of bemoaning what you can’t do, focus on what you can. Celebrate each bead. Each stitch. I used to feel So good after I got plants in the ground. My mind would sometimes taunt me and remind me I used to be on TV and radio and able to write books and give talks to hundreds of people and I was “reduced” to being only able to dig a hole and stick a plant in it. That type of thinking is WD generated and it lifts as your brain heals. Now, I look back, and I am more proud of my days digging holes and planting, than I am of any of my career accomplishments. Don’t JUDGE. Anything! Just BE. Accept that you have damaged GABA receptors and you are healing. Celebrate the moments you feel decent. Accept when you don’t. KNOW that one day, this will be over.
I’d love for you to make me a piece of beaded jewelry I can wear to commemorate surviving benzo withdrawal. I’d be happy to buy the supplies. What would you chose to represent benzo withdrawal victory?
Dear Don and Jenn,
I am desperate for help. I am in the throws of horrible withdrawal. I’m not finished with my taper yet. I struggle to just survive every day. Each day I want to die. I can’t take living like this any more. I so much want to find something to distract me from this nightmare, however I am so depressed and suicidal that my mind just thinks about killing myself. Each day I am laying in the fetal position crying and begging for God to take me. What can my anchor be?
Bless you for your help. I apologize to the readers for being so hopeless. Someday I want to write a success story.
Hi Karen, Like Maidenpa, I hooked all kinds of wall hangings, little rugs, etc etc to stay sober when I first went into AA. Withdrawing from Klonopin I am almost to the end of my taper and a year and one half. Although I continue to feel better, some withdrawal symptoms are very subtle and return occasionally – but not as strong as before.
Well,as Dr. Jenn asked what we do for anchors – I color adult coloring pages and keep a journal. My focus is still off – so I enjoy simply cutting out pictures from magazines (for ex. nature scenes) and collage in my journal. It’s easy – can be creative – and it helps me express my frustration o r happiness or in between Sometimes it reveals a lot of surprises with what I come up with 🙂 🙂
Take good care. Don’t lose hope – we all have courage to change and that is awesome !!!!!
I’ve found walking outside – in all weather – to be tremendously therapeutic for me. Right now it’s 16 degrees outside, but I just took a long walk with my neighbor and, honestly, those endorphins kick in and I just feel so much better. Of course, I couldn’t do that at the beginning of w/d. Back then I didn’t have much to hang onto except a few friends with whom I’d text.
Recently, I started helping my friend fill these science kits. I have to take a tiny round sponge and put it into a little capsule and then snap the top on it. It’s positively mindless work, but I fill about 40 capsules a day and then move onto something else. I’m with Dr. Jenn that it helps to have one activity that you can go to, even if it’s only for 15 minutes or so.
I’ve just started to be able to watch calm television again, and I recommend Oprah’s OWN station. There is a series called Super Soul Sunday and I know anyone going through benzo withdrawal could identify with the message that is shared each week. Tape every episode and start watching them. Or listen to them quietly. I’m serious.
I’m in my 5th month and I’m feeling so much better than in my 1st month. I know I’ve been able to do this by pushing myself to get out and do the things that scare me. We were all on anti-anxiety medications, so our nervous systems are all messed up and triggering our fight or flight response. If I allowed myself to stay inside every time I wanted to, I’d still be inside! I made a regular appointment with my therapist, so that I knew I had to get out.
As for 2014, I’m praying that I heal sooner rather than later. Yes, I know it all takes time, but I’m hoping to start riding horses again. And perhaps learn to knit or play the guitar. These are two things that I’ve always wanted to do: what better time than now, while I’m healing, right?
Happy New Year to all of you – and may 2014 be the year we are all healed, yes?
Wow, thank you, all, you are the best people in the world. Thank you for the little kick in the pants, Jenn. You are right, I was whining and being a “poor little me pity party”. What cost is peace of mind. I will pull out my big ole bead boxes, send hubby to the craft store for jewelry wire and make some necklaces. The first is yours, Jenn. No need to buy supples. Just tell me your favorite colors. I’ll wait to hear that from you. I might even make another Victorian hat, I have enough stuff for one at least. It might turn out to be my favorite!
Janice….love the collage idea but what are adult coloring pages? I have two journals….day by day and grateful/thanks one.
I also have a neck warmer I made with flax seed, it helps. I also pile pillows around me and I keep no clocks in my bedroom…don’t want to know the time as I wake so many times…it does help. Haven’t been able to have my special little dog, Sugar, sleep with me as she used to and still tries to every nite, but maybe I can bring her back since my hubby is still in our guest bedroom…he needs his rest. I also make it a point to go to bed at the same time every nite, I don’t watch any violent, horror, sad or loud movies but do watch Hallmark channel, PBS Period shows and movies … Love the costumes….and I am once again reading a bit before bed. We have a media back up unit so I copy the movies I liked and watch them over and over. Plus I can copy a tv show or movie and fast past the awful commercials.
Rene…I had horses for 20 years, you will ride again and glad you are doing so well walking in the cold. I can’t walk if it gets below 30….does my rosacea and sinus ‘s in. Or in ice or snow, don’t want to fall. I have a beautiful guitar but just having a problem playing or singing or even listening to music. Not really sure why, I just start crying. I have tried to get past this. Hope I can soon as I love all kinds of music.
This has been a great posting for me today…it’s been a rough one and still is but this has made me calmer and distracted with some wonderful folks.
May you all have a happy, healthy, healing new year. God bless and big hugs to all.
Karen
Thanks for ALL these posts! Jenn and Don-your posts have helped me SO MUCH as I continue to taper off of this ridiculous klonopin. I was having such clarity the past month or so but, today, was hit with the depression again. A reminder that I’m still in the midst of it all and have alittle ways to go. God bless you all! Thanks for the reminder to find a distraction. It’s probably a life-saver and I need to find something to do so thanks again.
Karen
thanks for the offer to make me a necklace! I’ll wear it with pride. I love earth tones.. greens, yellows etc. I like blue as well. Surprise me. 🙂
The music inciting tears is pretty common in withdrawal. I swear I had so many intense feelings and memories when I heard certain songs, or saw things that reminded me of the past. And it could be anything really. I got out of my car and the car next to me was a convertible with the top down. The leather seats in it made me think and feel things about an ex boyfriend from my early 20s!! I mean, I was so upset. I used to write to a benzo buddy who was going through the same thing. It DOES get better. I can listen to music now without such intense reactions. I don’t cry as much as I did in the first year or so off. It all gets better as you get more GABA receptors to work at keeping any and all emotions at an acceptable level. Let the tears come, they actually help remove toxins that hurt our brains. Seriously. You will stop crying when your brain is more healed.
I am glad you are going to give your hobbies a go. And its OK to feel sorry for yourself SOME OF THE TIME! Not, just all of the time. I swear I used to text Mary, my dear benzo friend, every morning and complain, complain, complain. But then I pushed myself out into the world. Just keep moving. Keep doing. Keep your chin up. You will heal.
I used to wake up every 45 -90 minutes in acute pain and utter terror. Not panic, as I didnt have a racing heart. But I was in utter terror. It went on for months. I hated going to sleep at night. I slept 10 hours the other night!! That’s unusual, but I do sleep close to 8 hours most nights. You will get there too. Make sure you are not taking anything that damages GABA receptors and you will be fine once your receptors heal.
I didn’t mean to sound like I was scolding you in my first reply. I am actually not a believe in “tough love.” I was just trying to encourage you to push past your limiting thoughts. I google videos of handicapped people painting with their mouths, or feet, when I feel as if I can’t do something and feel like giving up. We can do almost anything we set our minds to. ITs hard in wd, since our minds (brains) are broken, but we can push and make things happen.
Can’t wait to see what you create. Hope you will share here. If you send me the pictures, I will post them.
Thank you too all who have posted and help others.
I feel blessed to be a part of this community.
Jenn
YES!! Let’s all be healed in 2014! I support that wish fully.
Pam
I am sorry it is so hard for you. I understand. I really do. I used to lie on the bathroom floor in the fetal position and pray for God to take me home. But he didn’t. I am now so glad I have more time here on earth with my friends and family. You will be healed in time and be grateful to still be here too.
THat doesn’t help you right now though.
So, what can your anchor be? It can be my garden. Seriously. I will come and pick you up and bring you over here. I have offered many times. You can’t stay alone all day. Its too hard. Let’s talk tomorrow and see what we can do, together, to help you get through this. I KNOW how awful it is. It lasts for so long and hope runs dry. But I promise, it gets better.
Can we talk tomorrow? I can come over to your house. Or the day after that if you have new years day plans. We will figure it out together. I’m glad we live so close to each other.
Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I promise it gets better Pam. Really. It does. You will be off soon and healing.
You sound much more talented than me Karen 🙂 and so glad you are going to get started on your crafting again. I write, draw (in no way am I an artist !) cartoon, scratch and scribble (when I’m angry) to get through my high’s and lows in my journal. Took a class years ago at local college and learned some amazing ways to journal. Now in w/d it has helped so very much. The collaging of my feelings helps the most when I am in brain fog and cannot focus on journal writing. When I’m hurting I do write poems – anything.
There are a lot of adult coloring pages on line. Just do a search for “adult coloring pages free to print out. There are also a few coloring books for women that are so so – but some pages are nice. I use colored pencils, sharpies and paints.
–
I’ve also gotten well enough I guess to start a project I am working on now. I have some sea glass pieces and I bought an 8×11 size picture frame size mirror to design whatever comes to my mind. I got some ideas on Pinterest to help me think about what I want to do.
Guess I AM getting a little better. I like the idea of walking too. I had to give up my car at the beginning of withdrawal from Klonopin. I was having too many fender benders, getting lost, and so on – so now it is more of a blessing – because I have met new friends who take me to my aa meetings – different ones that before 🙂 and to get my groceries I walk now and actually love it.
Happy and a blessed hope filled New Year for (((((all)))))))))
Janice
I’m in an all time low today and these posts have brought tears to my eyes. I’ve always done head work I suppose so creativity is not my strong point. I distract with stupid computer games, light reading, music and writing my journal. Quite often in the middle of a fierce wave (usually the middle of the night) I just go and rant on benzobuddies!
At thirteen months off I’ve been in a wave since Christmas Eve and just want to curl up and die like Pam. I know it will pass but I’m so tired and exhausted with it all. At my age I need to be enjoying my family and friends not prostrate on my bed like this. One minute I’m up and well and the next a shaking wreck filled with pain and anxiety. Will it ever let go?
Sorry I’m maudlin! Just too many nights without sleep now and numerous physical problems alongside the relentless anxiety. The storms have been lashing down outside and it really doesn’t help when all you want is peace.
My love and Happy New Year to everyone here and lots of recovery in 2014 for us all.
To (((all of you))) – thank you for your Honesty. I ‘ve re-re-read my own recent posts and realize that I might have given the impression that I am “Miss Creativity”‘, “Miss Happy and Positive” etc etc. Just want to say that maybe it’s my past history that is still “hanging around”. Because I denied my real feelings as a bed-wetting child (being brought in an era where feelings were not allowed to be expressed}, and then 13 years of keeping the secret that I was traumatized as a battered wife and lastly keeping secrets that I am alcoholic.
13 months off of Klonopin some w/d symptoms ARE returning as I near the end of my taper. Trouble sleeping is still with me and I feel like I’m 90 years old instead of the “new 70 I will be this month”. These returning w/d symptoms do cause me to be fearful too – and I’m wondering what will happen when I am completely off the taper.
I have ten years of sobriety and I want to keep it and not to give it up to the Klonopin monster and so I do the best I can through this horrendous withdrawal from Klonopin.
Loving hugs to all of you,
Janice
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Janice
There is NOTHING and I do mean NOTHING in life worth drinking over. Even WD. IF you ever feel you are going to pick up, give me a call. Booze will only further damage your GABA receptors and it wont solve the anxiety.
The fear will get better in time. I know it’s so very hard to feel anxious, fearful or depressed day after day. But if you can lean into it, turn towards it, and allow it to just be what it is without creating catastrophic thoughts or judgements about it, it will be easier to live with. I used to picture myself like the sky, and my feelings were the clouds. I knew that they would blow in and out, ever changing. I learned not to attach to them. To simply let them be.
Anxiety (any emotion actually) has a beginning, a middle and an end. I used to remind myself of that when the anxiety would get so very big. Eventually, it would fade. I would feel better, if only for a few minutes.
Keep holding on. You are doing a great job.
I am serious about the offer to call me if you feel your sobriety is in jeopardy. If you don’t have my phone number, please email me. I will be happy to share it with you.
All best,
Jenn
Rosalind
I am sorry you are suffering so much. I remember being 13 months off and exhausted from the battle. I wasn’t sure life was worth living as it sure was a struggle and I felt so horrible in body, mind and spirit. But that is behind me now, and it will be for you as well, when the time is right for you.
I know you feel that you are missing out of family and friends, but trust me, they will be there waiting for you with open arms when you are well enough to receive them. This may seem like a big waste of time and energy, to be fighting wd, but in my experience, and in listening to others who have gotten through it, its not wasted time AT ALL! When you come out on the other end, you may be pleasantly surprised at how shiny, new and so very precious you are!
Wd is like the threshing room. It strips us of the outer layer and reveals our shining beauty. It polishes us until we gleam and glow.
My hunch is, knowing what I know about you, that once you are more healed, it will be “look out world!”
The anxiety is going to lift when more receptors heal. I was a train wreck for a very long time and I was put on the drug for anxiety. I thought I was going to anxious forever. Not the case. I am more calm now than when they put me on Klonopin! I think we get used to coping with anxiety and our CNS recalibrates itself. Seriously. So many of us who battled anxiety pre benzo say that now life is easy to cope with.
Keep hanging on. It gets better in time. I am a slow healer, but you may not be. So just stay in today, this very moment, and trust that the future will be as it should be.
All best,
Jenn
My anchor is finding purpose in helping other people who are in withdrawal. I run a support group on FB for over 300 people and I find that I can cope with my own withdrawal better if I stay busy helping other people with taper plans and socializing online. I hope to be well enough soon to where I can have some more tangible “anchors” like gardening or walking or crafts or whatever. For now, it’s too soon, but my support group “duties” keep me alive and mentally occupied. This was a great blog post, Dr. Jen. Happy New Year to you!
Happy and healthy New Year to you as well!
Would you like me to list your FB support group here on the resources page? I’d be happy to do so if your group wants that type of exposure. I know you are doing great work out there for us in wd! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. May your recovery speed along! I know you have been benzo sick a very long time.
Thank you so so much for your reply Dr. Jenn. I printed it out. Yes I’d like to e-mail you if or when it’s absolutely needed. . How can I find your e-mail address? Thank you for your offer. It took me 27 years in and out of AA before I became sober – now 10 years sober.. I am too old for another recovery so I am feeling that no matter what I don’t want to lose it during the Benzo withdrawal. But it is cunning, baffling and powerful ust as benzo withdrawal is.
Thank you again
Janice .
These posts have been very good. I was taken off 40mg of diazepam ct on 03/15/2012, suffered horribly until I finally diagnosed myself, then had to find a Dr. that believed the dx-previous docs said I was drug-seeking, had conversion disorder, was a border-line personality, schizophrenic & manic-depressive! I was put back on 30mg/day in Sept. 2012 & am just decreasing to 5mg/day tomorrow. I’ve been almost completely bed-ridden for 22 months now. I twitch everytime I hear a loud noise, even the phone ringing-or get startled or stressed by anything. I never sleep-just pass out for an hour or so every 4-5 days, then come to in complete terror, drenched in sweat, heart pounding, unable to breathe. I have severe agoraphobia & leave the house once a month to see the doc & go to the pharmacy. I’ve got no friends left & my family has retreated-except my wonderful husband who takes care of me after working 12 hours/day w/an hour commute each way. I spend a lot of time alone! I can’t walk as I’ve got such severe foot pain. I’ve got actual, severe sensory nerve damage in my feet; less severe in my hands. I am unable to wear shoes, even slippers are too painful. I have some flip-flops w/some contour that I use, but my feet get so cold bc the sensory nerves control temperature too. I can do nothing but watch videos around the clock. I can’t read-I used to love reading, but it doesn’t distract me enough. I’ve got about a dozen pillows & stuffed animals in my bed-I can’t sleep w/my husband (or cat) either. I was taking diazepam as a muscle relaxant, but now am suffering severe anxiety & panic-it feels like the house is a Halloween Haunted House & every little noise or movement causes the terror I remember from visiting a haunted house as a kid. I understand what’s going on in my brain (I was an ER RN in my previous life) & I understand it will take time to heal, but my life is intolerable. A minute feels like an eternity. I can’t do simple things like bathing, reading, housework, etc. I distract myself w/videos, but can’t walk, stand or even sit w/o screaming foot pain. Even in bed w/my feet up on a pillow I’m in constant pain. I’m exhausted from twitching & lack of sleep. I’ve lost tons of weight, lots of hair, my teeth are chipping off, I’ve got very blurry vision (it was fine b4 wd) I cry several times a day for no reason-the tears just pour out. I know so many of you are suffering horribly now, many have improved & some are nearly healed & that does give me hope, but how do I live through the intolerable? I’m also very concerned about the nerve damage-I can’t find anything in the literature about it, just that people experience painful sensations. As my 2nd year of Hell continues, I guess I just need to keep toughing it out, but it seems to be getting harder rather than easier. The only sx’s that are gone are the hypnagogic hallucinations (which started 6 weeks after ct, b4 I knew what was going on & REALLY scared me!-& the tinitis does stop for a day or 2 every month. Other than that, I’ve still got every sx I’ve ever seen any fellow benzo wd’s talk about. I hope 2014 will bring some relief to me & others who are still suffering horribly. I guess my “anchor” is my husband right now & maybe I can find another this year.
Annie
Dearest Jenn – once again, your strength and positive outlook come forth. You amaze me. Your post has convicted me. (Not saying that is bad) Much of what you have said here are things that have been said to me by family and even my Gyn doc. Distract for one. I have a very hard time with that when the sx’s are so strong. THEY are the distraction. I have “moments” of feeling more positive and even able to focus on something other than myself but few and far between. (Just yesterday I declared that 2014 was going to be a year of victory. Today my hope is dashed) Readily admit to self pity. The “I Can’t” ‘s run rampant in my mind. Knee jerk response most of the time. I hate that I respond that way. Having a history of low self esteem and fearfulness long before pysch meds, certainly has created that thinking long ago. W/D is multiplying it many times over.
I can’t say that I have an anchor of the type you describe right now. I had hoped that my horse was going to help me through this. But due to the severe sx’s I began developing by the 3rd month of cutting back on the meds, I became so anxious, feelings of DR, dizziness, weakness and spells of rage, I have not been able to ride for close to 9 months now. Feel it is just too dangerous for me to try as she is very sensitive and not one that you can just hop on and dally down the road. She (and my dogs) are the main motivator for me to get up out of bed in the morning as they need to be fed. I do spend some time grooming her but it has become less so the last couple of months with weather changes (we have had an early start to winter here – bitterly cold) and my energy levels have dropped even more. I have never felt well with the shorter days.
I am also still dealing with bladder/yeast infection issues. Doc once again put me on an antifungal last week and it seems to be interacting somehow. Causing brain fog, really upped the anxiety and causing brain fog. After experiencing these huge increases in anxiety, I am just wiped out – so very weak it seems I have to tell myself to even breathe. Frightens me so much.
I am continuing to lose weight. I’m eating but it’s still dropping off. I don’t know what to do to stop it! I’m running out of fat and my muscles are just flat. I worry I won’t be able to gain back any form of fitness yet exercise right now seems to worsen the weakness if I do any sort of concentrated type. Last week I tried walking on the treadmill for a few days in a row and then proceeded to crash. My doc really wants me to exercise as he says it helps with the cortisol. I know the anxiety is causing huge spikes in adrenaline being released so can only guess I am burning up the calories very quickly. Due to the yeast problem, I have had to cut back/eliminate most carbohydrates and sugar. Protein shakes were suggested to me by a friend but they contain large amounts of amino acids which have a huge impact on the neurotransmitters and cause me problems.
What are the rest of you eating to help stop weight loss?
I also have a question for the ladies here. Do any of you use hormone replacement? If so, what do you use and how does it affect you? I am 64 years old and had a hysterectomy in 1994. That is when I started having reactions to everything. I have been on hormone replacement therapy since then but it has always caused me to have anxiety especially. Some have been easier to handle but all have had an effect on my brain. I use a bio – identical gel applied once a day and usually within a couple of hours after the anxiety begins or is worsened.
Just feeling like I’m on this constant daily roller coaster with meds. (I also take a thyroid med) My doc is trying to be very careful in what he prescribes for me and even though he is very aware I am in w/d, he is amazed how severely I react to them. He’s trying to help me off the K but being a Gyn, his hands are tied as to what he can prescribe for me. My visit to my husband’s fam. doc was useless. He doesn’t even believe I’m in w/d. Said it was my emotions.
Struggling greatly today – cut the antifungal pill in half last night and still experiencing huge anxiety, brain fog and very weak. I am so very tired of the anxiety! I need hope!
My heart breaks for all of us here that are going through this. I pray for you daily. I do appreciate each of you sharing as I don’t feel quite so alone in this.
Blessings and healing for you today.
Janice – just the other day I thought about coloring. Even looked for a book. Thanks for the info.
Oh Annie – my heart so goes out to you! The human body is amazing as to what it can endure. Every day that I am experiencing terrible sx’s, I question how am I going to get through this. How much more can I take? But I wake up every day so have to believe that God is not through with me yet. I would have to say He is my anchor. I’m praying for healing for you!
Dr. Jenn and friends – something I’ve been thinking about. I have a friend whom a couple of years ago went through an extremely stressful time. She began to experience lots of sx’s that are every bit like what we here are going through. She never took pysch meds. She is still going through much altho much more functional – even works. After much researching, she believes she had an adrenal crash and is still recovering from it to this day.
I do know that our adrenals are stressed to the max in w/d and wonder how many of our sx’s are actually attributable to that.
Any thoughts?
I was afraid to use any meds in wd. I am still pill phobic. It took a long talk with my MD friend last night to get me to take two tylenol for my fever and pains. So I am not a good one to give advice about medications. You may be having anxiety from wd alone, and on or off the pill, it is going to happen, sorry to say. Hope you can get some answers from others. Hold on. Wish I had more to offer.
Thank you CJean. You’re right, the human body sure can take a lot of punishment! I’m not even to the point where I can look @ getting thru a whole day yet-I break it up into getting through the morning, evening & night. Each part of the day throws different combinations of sx’s @ me. I don’t need a clock, I know what time it is by how I’m feeling! Where are you in your wd journey? I hope 2014 will bring you healing & peace.
Annie
Oh Annie! I wish I lived close to you. I’d come over and sit with you and offer you a listening ear and hope. I am SO sorry you are so benzo sick. I know how hard it is to face another day, knowing your body will hurt and you will feel fear and anxiety or depression. It is such a long journey too. I had all of the sx you have. Ny hallucinations were both visual and auditory and went away after a month or so after my cold turkey. My feet never hurt as badly as yours do, but my hips did. It is ALL better. You will heal too. Stay close to those of us who understand what you are going through. If you want to email me, feel free. I promise it gets better. One day.
I don’t know. I think our immune systems take a toll for sure. Some of our sx sure feel like what happens when we get hit by infections and we have an immune response.
Lyme disease mimics wd too. CFS, fibromyalgia and MS mimics wd too. So lots of things going on in our bodies…
Thank you, Jenn, for your quick reply. I, too, am pill/treatment phobic. I’ve avoided as much as I have been able to for years, but desperate to feel better have taken some things. Mid 90’s after being over medicated (yes, this time by a gynecologist) with hormonal treatments went to an environmental health center and tried to detox from them. Still being on an AD and Xanax at the time, it threw me into a horrible w/d. The doc there said I was having an allergic reaction and gave me a shot of serotonin to try to break it. Stupid, stupid, stupid!!! Nearly put me into serotonin syndrome! My experience at that center traumatized me terribly and caused me to become even more phobic not only about meds but natural treatments as well which remains with me to this day.
Have not even been to the dentist in a horrendously long time and have some tooth issues that really need care. Had not taken any antibiotics for many, many years until this last year when I got such a bad bladder infection that doc said I was close to going into the hospital to treat it. The AB’s then spawned this yeast junk and it’s been a merry go round since. I think my immune system has just been so weakened by w/d that I’m having so much trouble kicking the infection.
Since starting the w/d process, have found I am unable to tolerate even less – including things like ibuprofen and even tylenol. Also just the act of eating or drinking something can cause a reaction. It’s terrible having to live life so afraid of needing to take even a pain reliever. I’m glad your body accepted the tylenol well and that you’re feeling better for it.
It’s just so complicated. I’ve had many different diagnoses down through the years and pretty much none of the treatments I have received have made me 100% well.
Annie – I can relate to having different symptoms at different times of the day. Severe anxiety is the major sx I deal with. If I look at the whole day in front of me and try to figure out how I’m going to get through it, it puts me into despair. If I do have a day when a certain sx does not kick in at it’s usual time, I am so thankful.
I began coming off an antidepressant a year ago Jan. 1. Was totally off it by March. Too quick. Also began cutting back on Klonopin (was taking .5 mg 3xd) within that time period. Stupid. By the first of April, I had come totally off the AD and off the morning and dinner time dose of Klon. (I became a mess even with the very first of the tapering yet stupidly allowed a therapist to convince me I needed to make a plan how to come off of them so I continued.) At that point, I said Stop! I can’t reduce any more at this time! Was hoping to stabilize enough to continue during the summer but then was hit with a bladder infection requiring antibiotics and everything has gone even further downhill. So – I have been stuck at a bedtime dose of .5mg Klon since then. It’s been hellacious and have not been able to find a doc who can help me taper using any of the methods like titration. (I have no health insurance which adds to the problem of who will treat me) Have been seeing my GYN through all this and he’s trying to help and if he could legally, would prescribe me something like Valium to hopefully make it easier. Right now, he is giving me the RX for the Klon but says he could get in trouble if they find he’s been doing that. I don’t know how I’m going to get off this last dose.
I pray you’ve had some, however small it may have been, relief today.
Blessings and Hugs, Jean
((((to all of my dear friends here)))). After a vi-iolent marriage and then two emotionally disturbed daughters. My first therapist helped me through the worst of my PTSD and it is only lingering and diminishing after beginning in 1980. And I have had several years practicing the 12 steps through the AA program and recovering from alcohol addiction by using them. The therapist I have now – noticed over a year ago the slurring of my speech. She said I needed to “get off the Klonopin”. I really put up a fight – didn’t want to get off the Klonopin as I was not addicted to it. My therapist shook her head and said quietly after I was leaving that session, “you will probably be on it the rest of your life.” Those quiet words as I left her office caused me to “surrender” as I wrote a poem about it to her. I did not know what a journey it was going to be THEN. I now know I have been so fortunate to have an elderly Addictionologist who I started to see. It is through him I learned of the “Ashton Manual” and he gave me a copy of it. He threw out the Klonopin on my first visit and started me on the Valium taper.
Because of him and the support of my therapist, my 12 step program, finding Benzo Buddies and Bliss Johns books and soothing videos and finding Dr. Jenn’s blog – I have indeed been fortunate. The Addictionologist sent me for psychological testing, and she sent me to a neurologist where I was then referred for two sleep studies.
So right now in my own journey, I have been blessed with a very slow taper on valium, a C-pap for better sleep. .
The w/d symptoms have been so very scary and I have had and do still have what I thought was extremely painful arthritis – burning on the bottom of my feet – and i’ve GAINED weight 🙁 🙁 due to exercise being painful.
Anyway, what I’ve learned during this journey is: (and I know it’s so so hard) – but to take it 24 hours at a time. Making myself do daily Meditation – keeping a spiritual connection moment by moment, daily journaling (just scribbling sometimes helps) and the support here.
When I feel like I just can’t get out of bed and when I’m in a wave of depression – I’ve learned something awesome !! Just say to myself – if I just can roll out of bed and stand up, okay. Then (depending on how bad I feel) say, If I can just brush my teeth, okay. Getting out of bed IS SO VERY HARD – but if I can make it to a chair and flop down. OK. Then next day try two of the things and pretty soon I’m sitting there meditating and/or coloring something.
My dearest dearest friends here – you have helped me so much in my own journey – I just wanted to – as we say in AA – share my own Experience, Strength and Hope. I wish with all my heart you could have had the good fortune I have had to have a therapist and an Addictionologist who know what they are doing.
The Twelve Steps that Dr. Jenn is using can be found very easily. They help so very very much. afirmations, and meditation (relaxing each part of our bodies help too – guess its called progressive relaxation.)
Dr. Jenn and Maidenpa know much more than me. I thought I’d share only the little I know.
II love you all and thank you all for all your support. It isn’t over for me yet and I don’ t know what to expect when my taper run out. So it’s 1 minute or 24 hours – I remain Hopeful.
Thank you. You are so inspiring!
Oh, I’m so sorry you haven’t got insurance-that really sucks! I lost my job & insurance, but was able to go on my husband’s plan after 3 months. You probably know this, but you are probably in tolerance wd from the once daily dose of the short acting benzo, which not only makes you feel horrible, but causes more damage from the Kindling Effect (if you aren’t familiar w/that Google it for explanation.) I know there are so many stupid laws for prescribing docs now, but if your GYN will break the rules for the short acting benzo that’s causing you even more problems, what is his reason for not breaking the rules & putting you on a diazepam taper? It would benefit you much more, from my humble knowledge. Will the (Un)Affordable Care Act be of any help to you?
Thank you, Annie, for your reply. Yes, I have thought I am most likely in tolerance w/d. Before I even started coming off either of the meds, had a doc tell me that I had probably been experiencing mini (interdose) w/d’s for years. Read about the Kindling Effect. Must say it really frightened me! I have come off of psych meds a couple times in the past and always experienced terrible problems but went back on them within a few months. This is the first time I have not done that and it’s been soooo hard!
I have spoken to my doc (gyn) about the valium taper but he said no way could he prescribe it for me. That “they” would have his neck or something along those lines. So…here I am w/o insurance or financial resources to go just anywhere to get help. Have googled and perused the benzo sites trying to locate a doc who can help me. All with no success.
My husband and I discussed Obamacare but the deductibles are so high we would still be putting lots of $$ out of our own pockets (which are pretty empty) before it would kick in.
I am trying not to let fear overcome me in this situation. Some days more successful than others with that. My brain is having a difficult time getting wrapped around how to do this w/o a knowledgeable doc’s help. But know I need to do something as I am just so weary.
Jean,
Finding a doc knowledgable about benzos is nearly impossible! It sounds like you know what to do, just need a doc to provide the correct Rx so you can do it. Have you seen the Ashton Manual? I ordered the hardcopy & took it to the dr & asked to have my diazepam tapered-she didn’t look @ the book, but is giving me the Rx’s, as long as I’m decreasing my dose. (I originally was made to stop ct, but re-started & am tapering.) there is no law that a GYN cannot prescribe diazepam. The “they” may be his practice policy, but if he’s the only doc you have, I would ask him to tell me who he is referring to. Maybe if he read the manual he would see he’s harming you by giving you the short-acting benzo. Do you mind telling me what general area you live in? I was a traveling EN for several years & still have some medical contacts throughout the US-I could possibly direct you to a doc that would see you. I know dr visits are expensive, but diazepam is quite cheap-even w/o insurance. I really feel for you.
Annie
-Today I went for my 6 month check up at primary care dr. (sigh) My blood pressure is up – when normally it is on the low side. Tried to explain that it is anxiety from the taper. In a 15 min appointment, tried to fit in that as I’m tapering – the more anxiety I experience. But that I am practicing meditation and exercise and what I’ve learned here on Dr. Jenn’s blog.
She hardly listened (of course) and sent in an RX for Lisinopril. I protested and said I am on two other heart meds and don’t want to take another pill.
I will look for a copy of the patient’s rights – because when I was on Lisinopril before – my blood
pressure went too low and I fainted.
A copy of dr. Jenn’s letter to doctors is in my file – but she did not look at it 🙁
cJean – I see the addictionologist tomorrow and will ask him if he knows of any dr’s close to where you live (will ask him again).
Blessings to all
Janice
Nick Cole, how awesome that you are here! You are an amazing support to everyone — and such a great resource! It’s unfortunate that you have to know so much about benzos, but truly, you are a blessing! I’m so glad to have found you!
Annie – could we exchange personal emails to discuss if you know of a doc near me. Thank you
Thank you, Janice, for any help you can find regarding a doc for me. I hope that you are feeling better today – both w/d wise and with the frustration of your doc wanting to give you another med. ((hugs))
Annie – could we exchange personal emails to discuss if you know of a doc near me. Thank you
Yes, I would be glad to. Do you know how to get to a private format to do that?
Annie – I’ll email Jenn to get your email. That’s how she told me to do it in the past. Thanks