I had a good weekend in spite of the tingles and bone pain that doesn’t seem to want to leave me alone, at least not yet. Saturday I visited Stanford to check out the room I will be teaching in. I’m leading a workshop in May on how to boost your creative brain power. I’ve come a long way from the mental horror show I used to wake up to day after day after day… (We DO heal!) I admired Rodin’s Burghers of Calais. (Their pain and suffering felt familiar.)
Driving home on highway 280 was this snazzy sports car I had never seen before. It was a Bugatti Veyron. Traffic slowed to watch it. I didn’t pay attention to the driver, but wondered if it was billionaire Larry Ellison. He lives not too far from me. There is SO much wealth here in Silicon Valley. It reminds me that there is abundance, and I can rebuild my life after benzo withdrawal depleted my material wealth. I’m not saying I will ever drive a Veyron, but Hey! Good News! I won’t be on food stamps forever! If you have lost much to withdrawal, please know that once healed, you too, will rebuild.
Sunday morning found me at a 12 Step Study Workshop in Palo Alto (it nourishes my soul). Once home I shimmied into my overalls and, yup, you guessed it, played in my garden the rest of the day. I planted a dozen new annuals to replace the winter bloomers who were spent. It was a wonderful day. Neighbors stopped by and shared a lot of love. 
Lots of new poppies blooming!
Today is in the lower 80s. Bright sunshine and the promise of good things ahead. It’s wonderful to be back out into normal life.
If you are still healing, please know that one day, you will have your very own weekend wows to experience. You may not drive by a Veyron (how many people can afford a 2 million dollar car?) but there are surprises waiting for you that are going make you smile. There are good things just out on the horizon. Be patient.
One of the ways I work at being patient is to pray for willingness. “God, please help me to be willing to take one day at a time. To be willing to trust that everything is just the way it is supposed to be. To be willing to be patient. That’s not to say that it always worked while I was recovering, but it helps. I pray for willingness now more than ever, as God and I slowly put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
What was your weekend like? Feel free to share. What are you looking forward to this spring or summer? Let us know.
Warmly,
Jennifer
Dear Jenn,
I just read your post and an old one of20 months sucks ass. That post is so much of what I am feeling now. Going on 3 1/2 months and wake up worse every day. I burst into tears after reading your newest post. I want so much to be where you are. I don’t feel as though I’m going to make it. I fall asleep for 2 minutes and wake up to fresh hell. I can’t take it, the pain of just being in my tortured body, unable to eat, stomach twisting the hideous skin sensations and every thing you have said. I feel as though I am losing my mind. I know I am losing my will to go on. I have to talk my self into acceptance a hundred thousand times a day. I thought by now I might have a little respite. I want so to enjoy the spring which is finally arriving in Minnesota. Do other people feel this black despair? I am sorry to sound this way after your upbeat post and my throat is so constricted with sadness I can barely breath. Oh I wish I could believe in god but I have tried for 24 years and have not been able to.
I was really awful at the stage you are at. I didn’t start getting some small relief until I was six or seven months off. The first year was not easy. Like you I never thought I would heal. I felt stuck in a torture chamber. I lost hope on many many days. But deep inside I trusted the assurance of those who had healed. So I kept blindly putting one foot in front of the other. Keep holding on. You will start to notice small improvements. Maybe big ones. You never know.
Every day you heal a bit more.
If you can find an anchor like I wrote about a while ago it will help. My anchor was and is my garden. Dons was doing latch hook rugs. Find something you can do to keep you distracted. Or something that brings you joy. Avoid being overly stimulated. (I have not owned a tv in years and like it that way!). Take care. It gets better. It really does.
J
Hi Jenn, this weekend I’m hoping to go to the big plant show at our farmers market. Couldn’t go last year because I was 3 months off Xanax and horribly sick. Couldn’t go the year before because I was so sick with tolerance withdrawal. I’m 14 months off now and having some better days. I still never know how I’m going to wake up feeling though. I’m planning on going,though, along with my tingling, head pressure, dizziness, and whatever else may be with me that day. I feel my motivation coming back and that’s exciting. I love to plant lots of zinnias, Black-eyed Susans and Shasta daisies. I love having fresh cut flowers in mason jars and pitchers in my house all summer. I do feel that I ‘m seeing a little light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you God that I’m off that horrid drug. So glad that you’re so much better Jenn. Your garden is beautiful. Will be planting as soon as the threat of frost is gone. Keep on healing and I’ll do the same. Diane murphy
I like reading your post. I’m depressed and anxious. Grateful my elderly parents took me in and I am helping take care of them. Sleeping better. Forcing myself to eat. Concerned about losing too much weight. In 12 step recovery that helps. I’m better than I was physically compared to one year ago. Cognitively better than when I was on 5 psychotropic Meds at once. Work hard to stay in the day. Easy Does it. One Day at a Time. This Too Shall Pass. May you all keep the hope that it will and does get better.
Sounds beautiful & comforting. Good to see a happy turnout, new life. I have a job 4 now..not my dream..but so want to keep fighting 4 it as healing more important..and still struggling to find dr and afford..especially hearing relating stories..my heads still so hi a feeling, & ears and sleep r bad..now due to steroids & then some..take steps backwards..I keep praying and have faith..Thanks 4 such hope & know God gave me s dream..learn from others..