Finally! I have more hours of a quiet mind these days. The pain, burning, tingling and fatigue, and some other wd sx still hang around, but its better. All in all, its much better. I am 25 months out from a cold turkey after a failed 8 month taper that had me bedridden.
If I look back on what it cost me to get free, I get sad. So I do my best to stay in the present moment. It IS hard to wrap my head around the fact that I have been sick for over two years. Close to three when you factor in the taper, and many, many years when you factor in tolerance withdrawal. But thats all behind me now.
I want to give you hope. I want you to know that we heal. We really do. Do we heal 100%? I don’t know. I hope so. But even if I never got better than this, I could have a relatively decent life.
When I was so sick for so long, I worried that I would never get better. I worried my brain was damaged to the point of no return. I thought I would be anxious forever. Panicky. Paranoid. Weak. Tired. Burning. Tingling and in pain, forever. I was afraid the anxiety I felt when they put me on K would come back. It has not. What I felt was the anxiety that goes hand in hand with benzo withdrawal syndrome. It is almost all gone. For that, I am grateful.
My brain in wd told me a lot of lies. That’s the way a wonky GABA receptor deficient brain goes. Don’t believe the crap your mind is telling you. Wait till you are healed and you will see the difference.
I wish every doctor in the world understand this crazy withdrawal syndrome. I wish doctors would stop handing these pills out like they do. And I sure wish we got support from our doctors and families. Keep turning to you benzo buddies who understand to get validation and support.
I am slowly getting my new company off the ground. I wont be writing much here anymore. It is time to slowly move away from the benzo withdrawal syndrome chapter and on to the next chapter waiting for me to create. One day, you will be ready to move on too. It may not feel like it at the moment, especially if you are super benzo sick, but you will be. I used to dream about the day I could go from chore to chore freely. A day when I could focus on something other than the looping or obsessive thoughts, or the focus on wd. I am there now and it is so, so sweet. I still have a few whispers of some benzo thoughts, but they are whispers. I can ignore them.
I have grown so much from this ordeal. I am a better person for this struggle. I would have liked to have not gone through it, but I did, and it has changed me for the better. I have much more love and compassion for myself. I dont sweat the small stuff anymore. I rely on God more too.
My emotions are still hair-trigger some days. I can cry over happy things at the drop of a hat. But all in all, everything is leveling out.
I am grateful for my healing. I am grateful to all of you who have gone along with me on this painful dark journey.
Please know that there is an end to your suffering. I was as sick as anyone can be in WD. I had a list with many many many sx. I was in the hospital a handful of times. I could hardly walk for months. And the mental stuff hit me very hard. That’s all gone now. Yours will go away too.
Hold on everyone. Take good care of yourself and believe in your healing. It is taking place everyday. One day, this will all be a faded memory.
I am already forgetting the horrors and making room for new, wonderful experiences.
Keep fighting the good fight.
None of us deserved this illness. None of us deserved to be let down by the medical profession. Let down and ignored and disbelieved. But here we are, warriors every one of us. I have the deepest respect for you and your healing journey.
Hi Jenn: I read your post over breakfast this morning out loud to my husband. We both cried! You story is so moving and I so relate to all you have been through and are going through still. I am so glad that you have turned the corner and are having good and sweet days with only some benzo symptoms. I can tell you that I am 100% better and I have totally changed my perspective on life due to the dark benzo hell of 5 years. Life is full of gratitude, sweetness and I am so filled with an ever present love…. the gift of walking through hell. I now know that there was a reason for me to go through what I did because of how changed I have become. Stuff that bothered or scared me in the past just does not stick to me anymore and I have a reverence for life that I could never imagine inhabiting before. I have so much to share with you about the awakening process I went through as I emerged from the darkness…. Sounds like you are entering this amazingly blessed time too!
I just got back from Portugal last night. While I was gone, Frankie Boyer emailed me that she wanted us on the radio show soon. I am emailing her this morning to set up a time for us to do so. I will be in touch soon about it.
Sending you warmth and love, Jackie
Thank you Jackie. Yes, life is getting very sweet. My new company is slowly forming. I feel confident I can face life with a new deep appreciation. I certainly don’t take it for granted.
I’m happy to be on the radio and share my story. We need to help those suffering with Benzo sickness and hopefully stop someone from taking a Benzo in the first place. Better yet, lets educate the doctors about the very real and life threatening and life altering dangers of these drugs. I’ve educated a shrink here in the Bay Area (no longer prescribes them) and an internist at Stanford (won’t prescribe them). It’s a start!
Hope you are well. Thank you for your reply.
Thank you for all of sharing your experiences and feelings. I am very happy for you with your withdrawal success and inspiration to everyone who is suffering and dealing with benzo wd. It is very difficult to find anyone who can comprehend what we all are going through. Just writing this I am at a loss for words but I know one day they will come back to me. EVERY day we make it through is a small victory. I am very grateful for all of the information you have offered throughout your ordeal. It is so comforting to know that one day this will all pass and life will be good again. We all need to take care of ourselves day by day ~ learning to love ourselves despite the agony of withdrawal.
Hi Jennifer! I sooooo needed to read this today! I am so happy for you!!! There are tears running down my face, because those thoughts of doubt have entered my mind, again, and I needed ot hear that we DO heal! I remember how much you were suffering in Seirra, and I am so thankful that you have gotten this far in your healing. I wish you God’s richest blessings in all your future plans! I keep holding on the the promises of God, that He is always with me and is walking beside me through this journey! Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us…… no one really understand except those who have walked before us!
Love always Carol – from Montana!
Hi Jenn….. it was so good to read your post this morning! It was just what I needed to hear! I am only 6 weeks off and the last week has been really tough! I sooo needed to hear this morning that we DO heal! I remember how much you were suffering in Sierra and I am so thankful that your healing has finally happening! I wish you God’s richest blessings in all of your future plans! I keep holding onto the promises of God, that He will never leave me and is always walking beside me, and somedays carrying me, through this very difficult journey! I long for the days of sweetness and peace.
Love always, Carol
I am so glad you are better and thank you for giving me and everyone else still plugging away at this, inspiration and the hope it will all end and life will become fun again. Enjoy your rebirth!
Like other friends in this forum, I was so blessed by your thoughts this morning when I had my breakfast. It gave me much courage to face another day, wrecked by benzo and anti-depressants in the past two and a half years. Like you, I think the medical community as a whole has failed us and somehow we got blamed for it. My doctor told me a zillion times that I am the toughest case in his entire professional career, because I don’t response well to anti-depressants and benzo. I was so closed in many occasions to end my life, thinking there was no hope for me. If God didn’t intervene, I would not have been here still, writing this note. I am so thankful that I am also slowly turning the corner in the past week. Lots of symptoms are still there, crying for my attention, but I am getting better in dealing with them and move on with my life.
This morning my pastor talked about God created us as community human beings. We are meant to support each other and share each other’s burden in our lives. Thank you for doing just that. Sharing and helping your fellow men and women.
God bless you !
Ed C in Canada