Yesterday morning I woke up with the hope that all of my symptoms would be magically gone. But of course, the burning, tingling, head pressure, nerve, bone and muscle pain kicked in pretty quickly after opening my eyes. Even the burning tongue was back. Of course the ringing ears never lets up, but my hunch is that is going to be a permanent reminder of this dark journey. I was wallowing in disappointment that this wave is powerful. And then, another tooth snapped! That makes three to date.
I have porcelain veneers. They have not weathered this journey very well. I assume I am clenching my teeth at night. I used to wake up with the insides of my cheeks looking like raw, bloody hamburger. I chewed them up pretty bad. I wondered if I was having seizures at night. That of course is behind me, but mouth issues still remain. Clearly.
It’s hard enough being sick for a long time, let alone having the embarrassment of looking ridiculous when you smile. I have one tooth covered with a temporary, the other two are not, and they look odd. The old veneer left chunks of porcelain stuck to the tooth and the teeth are a nasty yellow from the bonding agent I assume.
I don’t have the funds to do any dental work at the moment, so I will suck up the embarrassment and smile anyway. Just like when I couldn’t walk on my own, I sucked up my pride and bought a walker. I refuse to let withdrawal take everything from me. And it sure as shit isn’t going to take away my smile.
I have to be honest and say that the hope I hold onto is sometimes very thin. Yesterday I had so many symptoms kicking in it was hard to walk the two blocks to my favorite restaurant. My apartment is filthy, and I asked four women if they had some time one day to help. None did. I feel so overwhelmed with coping with my symptoms and living alone day after day when I am deep in these waves. I have lived with BW for so long, that it is hard to imagine any other life. Yesterday I had a long talk with myself and told myself I have to accept that this just might be what I have to face for a very long time more.
On a brighter note: My search for a great dog continues. I can’t wait to have my Forever Dog by my side. We will garden together and take walks. I am sure that will help me walk even on the days I am so weak and woozy.
We need advocates while we go through this. I sure wish I had a human being who could help me organize my house, remind me to pay bills, help with paperwork, help do the little things that need to be done like getting the oil changed in the car. I do my best to keep up with the demands of life, but it is still a challenge. My brain still has a long way to go before I feel it is healed. I hope I don’t lose any more teeth while I wait for it to heal.
I will say this: I may have given up most everything in withdrawal…money, friends, health, work, my looks, etc. but the one thing I will never lose is my fierce determination to love myself and others with a full heart. I may feel sorry for myself sometimes, but all in all, I remain loyal to my core being. Withdrawal can’t touch that. Even the men who abused me as a young girl and helped put the string of events in place that got me put on Klonopin, were unable to sully sweet, precious inner Jennifer. So I guess losing another veneer doesn’t really matter in the big scheme of things. So what that I have a hillbilly smile. I have a huge heart.
So it’s Monday. The start of another week. Onward.
My heart goes out to you. I wish I could help you! There are some days I can’t help myself. We have to remember to focus on healing our bodies, and not worrying so much about our looks–me included. I do the same thing–worrying about what this ordeal has done to me. You are so brave and strong to go through this alone. I do have a husband who is the best in the world. Can’t imagine making it without him. God makes it possible for me to face another day. Trust Him, and He will help you too. We will all be so much stronger when this nightmare is over. Thank you for all your posts and encouragement!
Jenn – I love your amazing spirit…wish I were half as strong with the same attitude. I would love to come over and help you with cleaning your house…but my house is a disgrace. I don’t care if it ever gets clean…it’s all I can do to get my laundry done when I am out of underwear. I love that you love yourself…that is a great accomplishment in itself. When we grow up with abuse in our background, learning to love ourselves is HUGE! So greatful for you and your encouraging posts. Somehow we will endure….
Oh, Jenn, ugh, the teeth! I’m so sorry.
Just back from visiting a friend in Maine. Trying to get back in the groove—whatever groove that is…
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Hi Dr.Jen, I’m in my 31 st month off. I also have had 4 cracked teeth and some bone loss during this mess. I also have had the horrible ringing and it is finally starting to mogulate. This will also leave so don’t give up hope. I have been hit also with horrible nerve pain. I have to say I have seen the most improvement at 26 and 30 Th months. It’s coming. Your in my prayers. Linder.
Thank you! Good to know.
Ill be 26 months off on the 23rd. I’ve got a ways to go.
Glad to hear there is hope. Some days it’s hard to hang on.
Appreciate you taking the time to tell us it really does get better. Wishing you the best.
Ok girls this is my first reply! I have been benzos for twenty five years. It was three years ago when it came to me the pill were making me feel bad. I told the doctor he said I don’t take enough to have this much trouble 3mgs of clonazepam and day sometimes four if I had a lot of work. To cut it short I found a doctor to switch me over to diazepam he gave me ten mgs a day. I all most died so I went up to twenty two and stayed at that amount and suffered along time about two years could not do anything and didn’t want to. As time went on I started to feel like I wanted to do something so I started doing little things I would sweat and shake would not do much and go back to bed until I got that feeling to do something again. This is what I have done all though this hell I am at the point I am doing more and more I am back cutting my yard trimming it I clean my whole home which is sixteen rooms dust one day bathrooms another day sweep a little at a time by the end of the week I have every thing done even my wash I even wash the car. what I found out for me is it hurts but it seems to make things better by the movement. But last Sunday I dropped another mg and I am very tired and hurt so I will slow down until I feel better. Yesterday I was so depressed I must remember it is the withdrawal. I am 59 years old and am alone I will not give in to this hell these doctors have got me into. and to think this all started cause I had lymes diease! So what I am saying do when you can and little things at first and rest and a little more. It makes me feel so good to think I did something today though I might suffer tomorrow. take care, Tom
Praying and thinking of you. Just remember God does not give you anything you cant handle. I too feel ur pain and living alone dealing with the damage from bw. You are an inspiration to me and help me feel not alone. I ave other Medical issues, my husband left me, Im not working at the moment talking care of my other health issues. It is a struggle and we will have good days and bad ones. I just remind myself there are so many others with cancer or other illness in a hospital dying… It can always be worse. You were put on this earth cause you are strong enough to live it!!! You will get through this just like you have before. Your in my prayers.xo
Hi Jen….. so sorry about your tooth. Sometimes I just think “enough already”!!!! I will be eight weeks off tomorrow, and yesterday for the first time in a long, long, long time I felt like “myself”! 🙂 I had a wonderful day going to church, thanking God for a beautiful day, I fixed lunch for my family (and enjoyed it), we visited with the new family that is going to be working for us, we went to visit my 88 year old mother in-law ( and she didn’t drive me crazy) ! My husband and kids could even tell that things were different. I almost hated to go to bed for fear of what the morning would bring…. and you guessed it, the same old stuff is back. However, I am so thankful that God allowed me to see that I am still the person who I know I am, and allowed my children to see that mom is still there and will be coming back! I wish I could come and help you with your house, pay your bills, and just be there….. this is such a lonely journey, so hard to explain, and even harder for people to understand what we are dealing with.
Thank you for sharing with us and allowing us to share with you!
Carol
Broken teeth are common during benzo healing. I’m lucky. I’ve only had one so far. Sorry you’re dealing with this too.
Dear Dr. Jen, I am so very sorry about all you are going through. I am 9 months off Klonopin and on the Ashton taper which my addictionologist said is best for me – down to 11 1/2 mg Valium a day. I am 69 and did not realize the BW is causing my teeth to fall out. I, too, live on my own after leaving with my children long ago because of severe abuse of the children and myself. I was strong and raised them myself while working full time. The girls were emotional wrecks and acted out and blamed me for everything. Oldest still does and has no contact with me. That all happpened 30 years ago and when I started Klonopin by the psych dr. 9 months ago the psych doc decided to increase the Klonopin to 2 mg. I refused. He said the Klonopin was “helping me stay sober”. I just celebrated 10 years of sobriety and I worked very hard in AA and told him so before I fired him.
Since coming off the Klonopin, I cry over everything – when I never cried when on Klonopin. I also have fits of rage – some in public 🙁 The newest symptom is a severe BURNING on the soles of my feet??? When I first get out of bed i use my walker so I won’t fall the pain is so severe.
My always clean and organized apartment is filled with clutter. I have found some help on line for all of you with same problem. She is Flylady.com. She prompts you everyday to do things in 15 min. intervals or a 7 minute “fire drill on a “hot spot”. While I don’t exactly follow her daily e-mails every day, she is just what I need right now. She always says “you are not behind” and “you don’t have to catch up”. If you find flylady.net sign up for flylady LIGHT or else you will be flooded with daily e-mails which in itself is overwhelming.
Although I feel unwell a lot of the time, I try not to isolate – and find a ride to an AA meeting (had to give up my driving license when I stopped Klonopin) – too many accidents, I keep tabs with my inner child and broken abused life, as much as I can with my faith in my Higher Power, I choose to call God, by coloring, and other simple crafts.
Dear Dr. Jen you help me with y our letters and strength. I also finished reading Bliss John’s “With Hope in My Heart” and “Recovery and Renewal” book
Like you, I am keeping determined – through windows and waves, which my doctor thought I was talking “gibberish: never having heard the terms before. He is a wonderful dr. though. Question: Is blurry vision (eyes) a symptom???.
May God Bless, keep smiling, Dr. Jen. I hope you will be able to get a dog. I have a cat named Sunny 4 year old “kitten” and I love her so much.
Janice
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A dog??? Wow! Have you named him?
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Mary
where in Maine? Tell me more….. 🙂
Janice
I have very blurry vision, like I am looking through a film of vaseline. I still get double vision sometimes too. I see flashing white lights in the corner of my eyes when it is dark out. Vision problems are pretty standard in WD. Thanks for your reply. Keep fighting the good fight. We are with you.
Carol
Hope you are getting more windows! You are doing great for being off such a short time. That is encouraging. I am inviting myself to your ranch one day. 🙂 I am so envious of your lifestyle. Please don’t forget to send me pictures of snow this winter. I loved the ones you sent in the past. Keep healing.
Jenny
Thanks for the reply. I pray God doesn’t give us more than we can handle! You sound as if your plate is full too. I am so sorry for all of your losses. You are in my prayers too. Keep healing.
Tom
what a brave battle you are in. My twins have lyme disease. One has been fighting for as long as I have been in wd. I am sorry you have two battles.
I appreciate your email the other day. Thanks.
You are doing a good job at taking it at the pace you need to take it. Hope things smooth out for the rest of the ride down and off to freedom.
Keep healing.
Ruth
thanks for the reply. Keep healing. I know you will get there. we have come this far, right? The finish line cant be tooooo far down the road (she writes hopefully!)
Take good care of yourself.
Thanks! I too rely on God, even though I don’t understand what God is, I feel there is something greater than myself that put reality into existence.
How wonderful you have a loving husband. You are blessed indeed.
Appreciate your comforting words.
Keep healing.
Thank you Dr. Jen. If the withdrawal is affecting my vision, then it will have to get better as I plod on in recovery. I have glaucoma and it never has caused me this blurry, double vision. And yes !!! I get those flashing lights in my eyes too !!!. My broken teetth cause sores on my tongue,. It’s WD sx OMG !!!
Sending Peace and Hope to you,
.