It stopped!
I woke up last Wednesday to a quiet mind. The usual obsessive thoughts about death and dying and the futility of life were gone. For two and a half years my daily life was terribly darkened by unwanted thoughts and fears that haunted my every turn. They are gone. I am grateful.
I have renewed hope that one day, both my mind and body will heal. I will be better than new.
I don’t wish this withdrawal journey on anyone, but now I am grateful I experienced it. I am a much better person than who I was before I was put on a benzo. I have grown oh so very much. Now with my mind quiet, I can focus on the areas of my life that I was unable to attend to while I was sick in withdrawal: I can begin my career again. I can earn a living. I can fall in love. I can be a good friend. I can be a good mother and daughter to my family. I can now be of service to others.
My body is still healing, and that is ok. I trust it knows when the tingling, burning, bone, nerve and muscle pain should stop. My mind might get cloudy again too, for a while. But if it does, I will know its “just withdrawal” and go about my business.
Many of you know I joined AA right before I started my taper. I believe that working the steps is what helped me hold on in withdrawal. And now, it is time in my life for what we in the recovery fellowship call the 9th Step Promises:
| If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them. |
Now that I have a quiet mind, free from the incessant noise of intrusive and obsessional thoughts caused by withdrawal, I can begin to manifest those promises.
The quiet is utterly amazing. Thank you God!
WONDERFUL!!!
I remember so many days where I said something similar. The day I finally slept thru the night was such a turning point in my own recovery. I said a hearty thank you to God. I felt so fortunate. These are things normal people take for granted.
The voices in my head stopped more than a year ago. I’m happy to report that life can get back to normal and even though I’ll never be that same guy pre meds… I do feel more alive than I ever have. I’m also more thankful for simple things… so the silver lining theory applies.
Great news Little Sis! Gotta love them promises. During my first stint in AA, I was baffled by the promises. I had no clue how to get them. I could see that there were many in the rooms for whom the promises had come true. I wanted them desperately, but I simply didn’t know where they came from or how to get my hands on them. These people were content and fearless. I wanted to quit drinking and taste the promises, but I had to drink. I could not stop. I had no idea those little yellow pills were keeping me from the promises.
It took 2 more years for me to learn from a guy on an addiction blog that Klonopin was keeping me addicted to booze and booze was keeping me addicted to Klonopin. And all the while the anxiety from both was eating me up and getting ready to spit me out for good.
I have seen many get off alcohol, benzos or both (as you and I have both done), and somehow the promises almost by magic come true….sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. The hope is in knowing that those promises await anyone who gets through w/d (from benzos and/or booze). They follow on the heels of healing.
I am very happy for you, Jennifer – more than I can express. Awesome stuff!
Don
Wow…so so happy dear lady. May God keep blessing you and may your body continue to heal. Love ya! Hope to be joining you soon!
Karen
Beautiful Jen, so very happy for you. One more heal….we are here as well waiting on our son to be heal. Your & Don story give us so much hope. God is big.
GREAT news!! Was that one of your most bothersome issues? I am dealing with the most horrendous nerve pain after being off almost 27 months.