Every morning I wake up, shower, get dressed and make a pot of decaf coffee in a cute little Ikea French press. It’s a habit that helps me cope with the usual “benzo morning madness.” So it was interesting when two days ago, the coffee grounds mysteriously disappeared.
Like most mornings, I padded into the kitchen and I tucked a paper towel under the coffee grinder, poured the whole beans from the pretty Trader Joe’s tin into it and turned it on. I like the whirrring sound it makes. I poured the grounds into the French press and removed the paper towel.
I used the paper towel to wipe a section of my kitchen counter and then tossed it in the garbage. A soft high-pitched whistle let me know that the water in the kettle was starting to boil. I snapped off the stove, grabbed the kettle, and lifted it to pour over the grounds in the press. But, there was no press.
I put the kettle down. What in the world was going on? I know I ground beans. I just threw away the paper towel that I had put on the grinder. I scratched my head.
I looked in the grinder. No beans. I looked on the shelf where I keep the French press. It sat quietly, sorta leering at me. There were no coffee grounds in it, so I had not poured them in and then put it back on the self. Maybe I threw them away? I lifted the lid of the garbage can. Nope. Not there.
Where in the world could coffee grounds go, for heaven’s sake?
I stood still and breathed slowly.
What should I do next? I decided to start over. I pulled the Trader Joe’s tin out of the cupboard. I put another paper towel under the coffee grinder. I lifted and tilted the tin over the grinder. Yup, you guessed it. Coffee grounds and beans tumbled out. I laughed out loud. So that’s what happened to the coffee grounds! I had poured them right back into the tin!
I felt relief spread through me. The mystery solved.
These types of memory lapses used to be so common in early withdrawal. I took a moment to feel gratitude that they were happening less often. I had not had a confusing morning in a long time. I know I am getting better.
There was a time when I seriously gave up hope of ever being normal again. I could not imagine a life where I had normal thoughts and feelings. Everything was overwhelming. Everything. Now, life is sweet again. It will be for you too.
Never give up. I am so glad I didn’t. It get’s better.
My silly coffee mishap was just that, silly. And it could have happened to anyone. Not just those of us healing from benzos.
I poured my decaf into a fancy china coffee cup with saucer. I took it outside to the garden and sat down in a rocking chair. The birds sang. Mr. Squirrel came into the yard begging for peanuts. I threw a handful onto the sidewalk. Sam sauntered out of the house and jumped into the chair beside me. Mr. Crow landed on the power line, eyeing the peanuts. Neighbors began to walk by, waving and calling out happy greetings.
Yes indeed. Life is sweet once again.
Jenn,
I’m glad to know that life is getting easier after withdrawal. As for me, and for many others, life is a absolute misery, still waiting patiently to the day that all of the benzo withdrawal agony is over.
For many of us, benzo withdrawal leaves us virtually disabled, physically and mentally, causing loss of job, income, friends, even family.
No one that I deal with in life doesn’t have the slightest clue what I go through just because I do not take klonopin anymore.They think is just my imagination and that prescription drugs would not cause these problems.. GEE, I REALLY WISH THAT WERE THE CASE!!!!!! ONLY IF THEY KNEW, THEN MAYBE THEY COULD RELATE!!! ONLY IF!!
Brian I TOTALLY understand. The agony I felt every day, all day, for such a very, very, very long time was incomprehensible. It’s hard to
Imagine a human being can suffer so deeply. No one, except those going through withdrawal understood. I didn’t look all that sick other than I had to practically shave my head as I was unable to shower and wash it. I also never wore makeup and looked haggard. But nothing on the outside could show the world the horror story unfolding on the inside.
Hang on Brian. If I can heal and get to a better place, so can you. I know it sucks. But time will ease your suffering as your receptors cobble themselves back together.
Keep fighting. Ok?
I will keep fighting Jenn, I have come this far, and have suffered greatly. I’m not turning back now, that’s for sure! I’m so glad that you responded to my post, benzo withdrawal can get very isolated, as If you are the only one in the world going through it. I’m happy to read your post about how far you have came since you began the horrific withdrawal..
I understand that you are 2 and a half years out, I hope that when I reach 2 and a half years post withdrawal that I can feel somewhat normal again..
Brian: How far along are you in your healing? I’m almost at 6 months – and compared to what life was like in month 1 – things are definitely improving. Hopefully, neither one of us will have to suffer like Dr. Jenn. She’s a warrior.
As for Dr. Jenn, I think the difference between your understanding of the events with the coffee now vs. how you would have interpreted them during the throes of withdrawal is the key. In withdrawal, you feel like you are losing your mind – so events like that create more anxiety! But now, you can see the moment with humor instead of anxiety. All of our reactions in withdrawal are made worse because of the anxiety on top of the anxiety reaction. I know that I sound pretty good in my writing, and I hope that I’ll be even better in another 6 months. It is my understanding that statistically most people feel dramatically improved within 12-18 months.
I don’t know about anyone else but I have really found that quieting my mind with meditative practice and yoga really has helped me a lot. Google “Tara Brach meditations” and you can download or stream quiet, relaxing meditations. Just do what she says. 🙂
Hi, I’m at 9 months, and yes some of the symptoms have improved, but the ones that keep lingering around are the ones such has severe brain fog, sensitivity to light, muscle stiffness, speech difficulties, social anxiety etc…. As you may already know, time seems to go very slowly in this benzo withdrawal, I have to keep reminding myself over and over that what I’m feeling is due to benzo withdrawal and nothing else. It really bothers me at times that as horrific has this is, Doctors treat this as If it isn’t that big of a deal.
And for the most part, people in general tend to think that if doctors doesn’t seem to think its nothing bad, then it must not be nothing. How wrong they are!!
I’m glad that things do get better over time and reading the success stories really are reassuring.
Perhaps in another three months I will see enough improvements that I need to function again in society and return to normal activities. I hope also that you can get to the point in your life where you are 100% content! Thank you and everyone else who is trying to help others by sharing their experiences of this benzo withdrawal syndrome!
It is nice to hear that it gets better. Those of us still in the trenches need some hope. It’s Christmas Eve, the 2nd in my wd nightmare. I need to shower-it’s already the last minute & I can’t seem to get moving. It just is too much to do. There’s no tree, no lights, no presents, no holiday food, you’d think I could @ least have a shower. It’s the pain in my feet & lack of motivation that keeps me stuck in bed, again.