Sunday I decided to go with a friend to the ballpark and watch the Giants last home game of the season. We waited a half hour for a train to go from the peninsula to the “the city.” It was a two block walk to the stadium and a hike to get to our nosebleed seats. Once seated, I was clear to me I had over estimated how much my CNS could handle.
It’s hard to do even the most normal of tasks when your bones hurt, muscles hurt, head is full of pressure and woozy and you feel like you have mono/flu/MS/CFS/fibromyalgia all at the same time. We only stayed for about 45 minutes thankfully. I came home and sprawled across the bed, totally exhausted. At 27 months out, I sure thought I would be more healed by now.
I remember reading a post on the old benzo withdrawal site that is now defunct about a woman who attended the zoo. She had a chunk of time off her benzo under her belt, and I thought that she must have emotional issues other than withdrawal, as she was so overwhelmed with being out in public. HA! This was before I was off the drug and felt pretty smug that getting free wouldn’t be “a big deal.” Now I know the truth.
What I am feeling now when out in places such as a noisy ballpark, or a rattling train with standing room only, isn’t anything I have experienced prior to being on the benzo I took. The sensations are clearly withdrawal induced. Hopefully as my brain heals more, these sensations will go away. That’s the hope at least.
I am concerned that the healing is taking so long. A part of me wonders if the intense stress of the cold turkey (after 18 years on the drug) gave me a form of MS? I don’t know why I still tingle all over every day. No breaks on that sx yet. Or why I am so fatigued to walk two city blocks. Or why my skin still burns, muscles still ache and go into tight knots, or why my bones throb and feel as if someone has poured acid into the marrow. It’s quite hard to realize that even after 27 months of healing, going to the ballpark was too much.
At least I can garden. For that I am deeply grateful. It is medicine for my brain and body. I am able to think clearly again and be creative. My other blogs are doing well and I am moving forward with my businesses. I am pleased about that. But I sure wish I could do more. One of the hard things about healing from the damage done by benzos is how limited our lives are. It’s the same day after day, day after day. The monotony of waiting to heal gets old very quickly.
I don’t mean to sound whiny. But deep inside, I am getting whiny. I want my life back. I want to be able to go wherever I want to go without wondering how sick I will feel. I think most of all, I want the reassurance that we actually do heal. That this crap goes away. And I would really like to know when. 30 months? 36? 42? 48?
The good news? The Giants won, 6.-7 in a tied game that went down to the wire. San Diego had hit a grand slam early in the game but we battled back and grabbed the victory. I suppose that is what we are all doing in this fight for our health. We are battling back against a benzo that looked like it was going to win, but ultimately, it will not.
Keep swinging.
Hi Jenn, Wanted to thank you for introducing me to your friend, Jennifer , in Colorado. She has been writing and trying to find me some visitors , as she used to live in Santa Fe, and still has friends here. The TTT is still very hard, and without the Ativan, I can’t swallow, so don’t really know how I will ever get off. I’m so sorry you are still feeling so symptomatic. I’m pretty sure it is all benzo related and it will heal, in time. I do know that after my previous taper, I healed pretty quickly and could be driven to the store, after a few months, but we are all different. My prayers are with you. You will heal, my friend. Love, Aryana
Hello! I am new to this blessed site! Several months ago I elected to not use the phone for chatting. At all! For even best friends.
Unless they email (and some do not since I’m older) they will not hear from me unless I longhand write to them.
I had to arrive at this decision to aid in my dry cut taper off Valium– crossover from Ativan. My CNS simply could not take the stress of communicating unless it was a ‘when and if I wanted’. Also, I am tired much of the time since I sleep poorly and not enough. So, Jennifer, I completely understand your fatigue and frustration.
Thank you for your openess! Your courage! Your guidance! Your illumination! Jean
Hi Jennifer.
Sorry if my english is bad, I am a little Dane trying to survive Benzo and smoking, and this hell of frustrating Body!
40 Years of Bromam, 53 years old now, and I did not knew it could do that!
Loosing teeth, look like shit Now, too all the same things in Body, have started running because I dont want to fall too deep! Have been through lots of surgeries through my life, last time in 2009 -breast cancer! My mother was dying of cancer this year and I was sent to hell, and here my journey started, trying to figure What happened to me!
Tons of examinations, tons of fear, shaking and shaking, couldnt barely walk, take a shower, started burning too, and all the other stuff. Have lost that Much and am out of money, trying to survive my little World of suffering!
In 2011 I moved to Another house, because I wanted to start from a brand new, and Wham! Was bitten by a tick, had the Rash and Got the infection, and Like you I still wonder What is What?! Too I can tell you that tons of women Experience What we do because of perimeno and Menopause…….so how do we figure What is What in this nasty hell of symptoms.
Lets live in hope, even though I often Think I dying slowly!
Start to taper my Benzos Now, but in a Way Im so far out that I wonder if its all worth it.
Love and hugs
Gitte
So very thankful to have found this site and the encouragement that is felt by reading the posts. Just completely my taper after a 17 year dependence on Ativan. It was originally given for nerve pain/chronic pain after shingles. It seemed a life saver at first but then became the enemy in many ways.
I am older also and having trouble differentiating symptoms from aging process. The muscle, nerve and joint pain is very discouraging. But it is overwhelmingly helpful to know I am not the only one. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Nancy