what it is ain’t exactly clear. (I used to love that song. If you don’t know it, go here:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bjSpO2B6G4s)
Something really IS happening here. I’m holding on for dear life, crossing myself, and putting garlic around my bed to ward off werewolves. I have NO idea what to expect in this crazy efffffffed up world of benzo recovery.
Here’s the latest: depression lifted like someone turned on (or off?) a switch. I mean, just like THAT. BOOM! Clear thoughts. I felt like ME. Sassy, creative, silly, zany…. ME… BUT.. since I am in benzo recovery ( I am tired of the word withdrawal. I’ve withdrawn already, now I’m recovering from the poison, thank you very much) nothing is quite what it seems. I’m ME, with a clear mind and a sense of happy and hope, but with an electrical current of 220 running through me like I’m the White House Christmas tree that needs to be lit up. Man, it’s just awful. It isn’t anxiety in the normal sense of the word, but it IS anxiety. Chemical anxiety. On top of that, I had severe tingling head to toe, burning skin that made me want to jump in a cold tub and never get out, even after I had pruned till I looked a million years old.
You got the picture? Me, my essence, my spark, my soul… poked her head out, and took a look around all the while my body was back in it thick as thieves. Oh, and how can I forget, I also had the severe crushing sensation. I also had some strange muscle zap, that went through my chest that made me literally sit straight up and gasp it hurt so much.
It’s a crazy, crazy, crazy thing, this benzo recovery. A week ago I battled the blackest depression. Obsessed about death. Today, I had times of clear thinking and happy. I’m in here, people. I am trying OH SO HARD to get out and to stay out!
If any of you are battling a severe wave a long ways out from your last pill, hold on. I am proof that it can get better. I’m not out of the woods by a long shot, but at least my brain cleared up enough for me to get a sweet taste of who I used to be. Now if my body could only get the memo to lighten up a bit…
I feel like a yo-yo, up, down, sideways.
I burn so much right now that I am dreading going to bed. Will I wake at my usual 3 am time with the usual crap? Will tomorrow be any better? Worse? I guess I have to be brave enough to go to sleep to find out. ( I had dinner at my daughter’s house and I tucked her into bed before I left. Literally. It was precious. I was SO jealous, knowing that she sank into bed in that good tired way and that she will wake up tomorrow and get up and go about her day like normal people do. Like I used to do. SIgh.)
Nighty night my dear friends. I love you all so much. Let’s keep supporting each other on this lonely and frightening journey.
Oh Jennifer how hard it is 4 U : ( Im in a long drawn out BAD wave..due also to my feet shots ; ( Ok 4 now as I 2 get 2-3 hrs of sleep and 4 a few months had a bit better tho split up sleep then n b4 UGh : I 2 wish 4 that peaceful rest..im sorry Jennifer what ur go’n thru..the mind..still figuring diet & products to use on body..stresses. Try do so little..and suggested ‘accept’ all of this. Take myself a walk..Prayers..as u cope and all. Thank u as U n all r SO helpful.
Jennifer, so glad the depression has lifted. It really sounds like your body is working so hard to get back to normal. At 18 months off, I have every body symptom you mention. I also have extreme stomach distress and bad rib pain. I, too, would love to feel that good tired from a hard days work, and wake up refreshed and ready to tackle the day. Those are the little things that we always took for granted, but will be like pure gold when this is all over and done. We’re going to be so strong. After this I think we each will have our own unique gift to offer the world. I pray for Gods continued strength for each of us. BTW, I love your sense of humor. You’re a gifted writer.
Thank you so much for coming back and posting. I read these to my wife and it helps her so much to know she is not alone. You are one of the few resources for someone in protracted recovery.
Your post reminds me of these words that you once wrote and I printed and read with my success stories.
“I like to think that I am like the caterpillar that transforms in his chrysalis, his wings of freedom growing and ready to take him to places he could only dream about as a caterpillar. My down sized life in benzo withdrawal is my chrysalis, holding me, until it is time for me to fly.
I don’t want my old life back. I am excited to walk, day by day into my new life, one that has been forged by the fires of withdrawal, making me stronger than I ever knew I was.”
Looking forward to seeing the butterfly…finally flying.
Jenn, is there a place on here where you explain how long and what you were on.. and if you are totally drug free now? I have looked but maybe not hard enough. I don’t know if I am going through “benzo healing” or if I am back to suffering anxiety …. but I had a BAD spell from Zoloft and Prozac for months that I don’t even recall most of my days…. It’s a long story and I don’t want to bore you.. I just want to hear more of your story, advice and opinions on how to get rid of the anxiety and fear and all that evil stuff…. I will pray for you and all who suffer… I am currently on Lexapro 15 mg and not sure if I should raise it… ugh. I also take Mirapex (small dose) for restless legs and understand that can also cause issues so I am gonna try to wean off… I look forward to hearing from you or anyone…
I took 2 Mgs klonopin for 9 years. Reduced it to 1 mg. (actually got off but went into horrific withdrawals. Didn’t know what it was. Got back on) stayed at 1 mg for another 9 years. Began taper in October 2010. Sick as shit. Bedridden. Updosed. Tried tapering again. Finally went cold turkey with pheno. The gates of hell
Opened up. Last dose June 22 2011. I’m still recovering.
Sweet Jesus. I know what you mean about the gates of Hell. I have never been so terrified as when it was drug induced and I didn’t know it… and now I don’t know if I am having brain issues due to withdrawal but it was so short a time period that it was nothing like you and some oft he posts… How DID you survive and what, other than your kids, I guess gives you the hope to go on and not live in terror it is going to get worse or never leave? —–
Do any of you have doctors that BELIEVE this is what you are suffering from? If so, what do they recommend and if not, what do you do to get through the waves?
Thanks for reopening your post, it was a big help to me, I’m still battling this crazy withdrawal, some days I feel I cant go on but I do somehow?
The intrusive thoughts are but far the hardest symptom to cope with for me, when they go I will jump over the moon and back with pure joy.
Wish you well on your continuous journey.
Welcome back, dear friend. Look forward to reading all your great posts again. Take it slow and stay hopeful….like you always tell me, this is not forever and we do heal. Big hugs, karen