For most of the day, I felt like my old self. That is not to say that my sx are gone. (I wish!) But rather, my mind is clear. I have many hours now of normal thoughts and feelings. I can’t even begin to tell you what a relief it is to. I got hit hard on both fronts, mental and physical. The body stuff is letting up, and the mental is most definitely getting better.

All those obsessive thoughts about death? Finally letting up. Looping thoughts on a topic? Gone. Looping thoughts when I felt panicky? Gone! Racing thoughts when I get scared? Fuggadaboutit!

I know I am not out of the woods yet. I can get hit with another wave. But wow. It’s SO good to be a normal person. I was sick with benzo withdrawal syndrome for so long, that I was sure I would never heal. At times, I wondered if the crazy thoughts were just my “old” self re-emerging. It was not! (I never had these repetitive thoughts and death theme before withdrawal.)  I look back and realize that from 2000-2010, I was sick in tolerance withdrawal. Probable even far longer. I know in the late 1990’s I was dx with IBS, which of course, was actually benzo tolerance. I don’t have it now like I used to. 

If I allow myself to think of all the years, and all the illness, and all the medical bills I racked up because of that stupid pill I swallowed dutifully every night, I can get really sad and mad. I guess I will think about right now instead and do my best to keep moving forward.

I don’t have a lot to say tonight, other than to tell you that you will heal. There is hope. Don’t stop believing in your healing. I was so incredibly sick, and I feel about 80% better. If I never got any better than this, I could manage. But I know it will only keep getting better. One day the tingling, burning and pain will fade away. One day, the fatigue will lift. And one fine day, the DR will go away.  I still have it pretty thick when I drive. But…. I drove for an hour and a half today, on the freeway, to a town 80 miles away. It was a HUGE step for me, and the longest I have driven in years. 

I hate the thought of a getting slammed again, but I will face it if and when I do. For now, I am going to enjoy the mental window. I am tingling and burning a bit as I write this, but that’s ok. My mind is clear. Quiet.

Shhhh! Don’t tell the beast.