For most of the day, I felt like my old self. That is not to say that my sx are gone. (I wish!) But rather, my mind is clear. I have many hours now of normal thoughts and feelings. I can’t even begin to tell you what a relief it is to. I got hit hard on both fronts, mental and physical. The body stuff is letting up, and the mental is most definitely getting better.
All those obsessive thoughts about death? Finally letting up. Looping thoughts on a topic? Gone. Looping thoughts when I felt panicky? Gone! Racing thoughts when I get scared? Fuggadaboutit!
I know I am not out of the woods yet. I can get hit with another wave. But wow. It’s SO good to be a normal person. I was sick with benzo withdrawal syndrome for so long, that I was sure I would never heal. At times, I wondered if the crazy thoughts were just my “old” self re-emerging. It was not! (I never had these repetitive thoughts and death theme before withdrawal.) I look back and realize that from 2000-2010, I was sick in tolerance withdrawal. Probable even far longer. I know in the late 1990’s I was dx with IBS, which of course, was actually benzo tolerance. I don’t have it now like I used to.
If I allow myself to think of all the years, and all the illness, and all the medical bills I racked up because of that stupid pill I swallowed dutifully every night, I can get really sad and mad. I guess I will think about right now instead and do my best to keep moving forward.
I don’t have a lot to say tonight, other than to tell you that you will heal. There is hope. Don’t stop believing in your healing. I was so incredibly sick, and I feel about 80% better. If I never got any better than this, I could manage. But I know it will only keep getting better. One day the tingling, burning and pain will fade away. One day, the fatigue will lift. And one fine day, the DR will go away. I still have it pretty thick when I drive. But…. I drove for an hour and a half today, on the freeway, to a town 80 miles away. It was a HUGE step for me, and the longest I have driven in years.
I hate the thought of a getting slammed again, but I will face it if and when I do. For now, I am going to enjoy the mental window. I am tingling and burning a bit as I write this, but that’s ok. My mind is clear. Quiet.
Shhhh! Don’t tell the beast.
One day at a time. Xx
So happy for you.
Can I ask you? Did you feel like your head was going to explode together with the worse anxiety?
WONDERFUL news!!! Keep on keeping on. Thanks for the encouragement. We all need it!!!!
So pleased you are feeling so much better.This encourages us all to go on
May I ask what Benzo u used and how much
I used Lexotanil, prescribed for anxifety Was nevervaware of powerful addictive qualities or the word Benzo I thought it was just another med given to help a particular conditioned How very foolish I was, Tried to get off twice befoe but this time determined
All the best Elizabeth
Do you experience chest pain
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I wish I could as you some questions about this problem we have. You seem to be ahead of me I have something’s going on that are driving me crazy. would love to know your thoughts.
Thomas, I would be happy to chat with you. You can write me at drjenniferleigh at gmail.com directly.
I can’t give medical advice of course. Hang in there. It gets better
yes. I still do, sometimes. In the first two years off the chest pain, especially on my left side, was intense. I never went to see a doctor because my heart had been checked before and I knew it had to be WD. But if you are concerned, please get your heart tested. Chances are good that it is “just” wd. I hated the chest pain, but it is getting much better.
I took klonopin (clonazapam) for 18 years. ( roughly, I have lost count.. but a long time!) I was started on what my doctor said was a “baby dose” of 2 mgs a day. .5 in the morning, .5 in the afternoon and 1 mg at bedtime. (Thats the equivalent of 40 mgs of valium and I dare say he would have started anyone on that much! he as very uneducated, even though he was supposedly “one of the best” shrinks…) I took 2 mgs for 9 years, then cut out the morning and afternoon dose. ( I was no longer anxious or panicky and didnt want to take it anymore) when I stopped my evening dose, by day three I was in hell. No idea what was happening. My doctor told me to get back on it. So I did. I was on 1 mg at night for another 9 years! I was in tolerance a very very very long time. Bladder issues, stomach, esophagus, heart, brain, vision, balance, ears…no one ever told me it was the benzo. You can get off and stay off. If I can. you can. Dont give up!
My head felt so strange all the time, but especially when I tried to walk. It was full of internal pressure, but also a wooozy feeling that is hard to explain. My brain also felt like it was carbonated and fizzing in the back of my skull. It was terrifying. The head pressure is better. Not gone 100% but much better. I do have hours now without it. You will get better. My anxiety was so much worse than my original anxiety. I was not only anxious, I lived in terror. Sheer, white, ice cold terror. I will one day write about the mental sx I suffered, but honestly, its too soon now. I freak out if I think about the past too much right now. It was a living nightmare. How I got through it I dont know…. Gods help I guess.
Thanks Dr. Jennifer. You are doing a great job.
Did the anxiety/terror disappear by itself?
For the most part, yes. I still have body anxiety, where I feel like I am going a gazillion miles an hour, and my body feels electrically charged. But I don’t sweat it. It’s so much better than it used to be, that I can tolerate it. It doesn’t stick around toooo long. The terror has abated too. I used to look at things and be filled with fear. I didn’t have that pre K so I knew it had to be from the down regulation of the gaba receptors. I was unable to think about God and death without intense, and I do mean intense terror. It was miserable. Truly, truly a miserable existence as my receptors came back online.
I know when I am fully healed that my old anxiety will NOT exist. Being forced to live through something this terrifying gives one new bandwidth in the brain that allows us to feel more brave, secure etc in the world. Or at least that is what I am starting to feel.
I still have a ways to go before I can say I am a true success story, but I do feel I am getting much closer.
I would have NEVER thought it would take this long, but it takes what it takes.
Keep going. Ok?
Thanks Dr Jenn I will never give up
I owe this to myself, my wonderful 9yr old grandaughter who lives with me and all the wonderful team of supporters on our side
Just one last quextion do the night sweats eventually stop?
Thank you for sharing and good luck to you and all others in the same battle
Someone asked about head feeling siv it is going to explode Experkenced this, very pai fulbut eventually subsided
A couple of Otc painpillshelped
God Bless
Elizabeth
Sorry just noticed typos and spelling Post Benzo head!