I turn 56 in an hour.
I am hopeful that 56 will be an amazing year. There is no reason why it should not be. I am writing a new book, tieing up the loose ends to get my non-profit off the ground, and getting my recovery coaching and conulting company up and running. I also have the Benzo withdrawal summit to work on as well. A few years ago I didn’t think that I would ever work again. I didn’t think I would ever feel anything other than terror, anxiety, or pitch black depression.
All of that has lifted.
What I have left is the body stuff. It has been pretty bad the past two days. But hopefully, I will continue to get better. I have learned how to cope with it better. But it is a pain in the ass, to be honest. Actually, it’s a pain in my joints, neck, lower back, back of head, jaw, tongue, fingers, hip bones, muscles… I still have crushing fatigue too. This morning I felt like death for hours. Sitting in my garden helps, as does reaching out and helping others.
I still can’t believe that benzo withdrawal happened to me. It seems so surreal to look back on the early months first off. I was a completely different person. I was sick in every way a person can be sick. I am deeply grateful that I am past those very dark and brutal days. Very grateful indeed.
I celebrated tonight with my four children and friends. We went to a Shabu Shabu restaurant. Quite fun! One of my sons texted me when I got home, that he thought I looked the best I have looked in years and that it was good to hear me laugh. I was laughing tonight. With gusto.
After dinner we all walked to an ice cream store called Cream. They hand make ice cream sandwiches on wonderful different kids of cookies. (Very california!) I suddenly realized I was talking to my daughter in our special “baby” voice that she and I used to use when we were playful and loving. I stood behind her and put my arms around her and held her tight. For a moment, she was no longer 26, she was 6. I felt the deep love I have for her well up inside of me. I knew right then, standing in that ice cream store, that I had turned a huge corner in my recovery from benzo withdrawal.
We walked back to the car, laughing, eating our ice cream sandwiches. I hugged all of my children goodbye and drove home knowing that good things are afoot. I’ve paid my dues to the benzo beast. It’s time to be happy, joyous and free.
Maybe my body symptoms will drop off this year. That would be nice. But if they don’t and this is my life forever, I accept that. With the love I felt tonight for my children, I can face anything.
If you are sick in benzo withdrawal and wondering if you will ever be your old self again, or feel happiness, joy, creativity… the emotions that make life worth living, the answer is yes, you will. I was as sick as anyone can be in withdrawal. And I am here to tell you, it gets better. It gets way better.
Welcome 56! Let’s go do some good in the world!
Happy happy 56th!
Thank you!! Hope you are doing well.
Happy birthday!!! You made me cry…….
Happy birthday, Little Sister! My w/d nightmare started one month after I turned 56. Yours is ending. I’m glad you can laugh and enjoy life again. It’s sweet.
Don
Happy birthday Jennifer. I feel you have a real calling in your life now to go out and spread the word about the horrors of benzos. The ones that’s been through this nightmare are the ones that’ going to make a real impact. Have a blessed 56th birthday.
Happy Birthday . I pray for your complete recovery. You are an inspiration.
Happy Sweet 56 Birthday Jenn & Best wishes for you in this year!!
Wow. What a message of hope…as usual. You are such an inspiration, dear lady. Happy birthday and may all of our tomorrow’s bring more healing. God bless.
Karen
Hi Jenn, Let me start by saying Happy Birthday to you!! May this year be a turning year for all of the physical pain of the withdrawal to banish forever!! Its great to hear that you survived the most enduring battle of withdrawal and that you will accomplish all of your future endeavors!! Thanks for being a friend from a distance!! Best Wishes!!!
Thank you Karen, its going to be a great day. A benzo friend is flying up from socal to celebrate with me! i am deeply honored. I pick her up at lunchtime from SFO. Let the fun begin!
Thank you! I appreciate your good wishes.
Thank you for your kind words. Keep fighting!
Thank you Diane. I will do my best to help fight the benzo battle. These drugs must be regulated.
Thank you Don! Its good to be turning corners…
Oh no! Hope they were happy tears….:) Have a great day.
Happy Birthday Jenn!! I hope you have a wonderful visit with your friend from SoCal. Thank you so much for checking in with me as I fight my way towards healing. Today I’m 3 weeks benzo free after my cold turkey on Feb 12th. I pray that this is a year for healing for all of us!
Happy Birthday! Thank you for your post, it gave me hope and reassurance.
Helen
Thank you for the good wishes.
There is always hope. We get better!
Happy Birthday!!!!! Thank you for being an inspiration to all of us!!!! Keep fighting….and remember how far you have come! You have a new mission in life, and it will help so many people…have a blast with your friend…and take it one day at a time, as I tell myself!!!!!
Happy Healthy Birthday. Peace and all good things to you. All your posts are much appreciated, Your pain and similiarities help validate mine as well, so for me not to think all is fatal and that healing is and will take place. Go easy on yourself and keep on healing.
Happy Birthday. I turn 56 this year too. I am taking your Letter to All Doctors to my Dr. tomorrow. Last year I tried to tell her how I was slowly titrating off of Clonazepam (1mg) and had reduced it by about 40% and she told me the amount I was taking was equivalent to a baby aspirin. She just didn’t get it so hopefully your letter will help. I am still micro tapering & the end is in sight. I wish you good health in your 56th year. Sarcy.
Sarcy, I can’t believe a Dr. would say that any amount of klonopin is equaled to a baby aspirin!! These benzos have been around since the 1960s, they should know better about these drugs or not be allowed to prescribe them…. You hang in there, I don’t care what some Drs. say about its not difficult coming off of long term use of klonopin, even at smaller dosis its still horrific, just read the stories of the thousands that are feeling the effects!! Best wishes to you!!
Jenn, thank you for your inspiring post and have a wonderful 56th!
Hi, Jenn
Thank-you for being there for me early on when I really needed someone who understood the hell of what I was going through. Hope you enjoyed your birthday. Happy 56th!!
Sue