I have been having some decent days. Not fully healed, but tolerable. Not so sick. Not so mental. Last night, around 9pm the nasty symptoms started: whole body tingling like I was plugged into a wall socket. Burning skin, bone pain, sore eyes, head pressure, back of head pain etc. Sigh.
I was able to fall asleep just after midnight, but was jarred wide-eyed awake around 2am. My left leg was cramping so badly I had to roll around and moan. The left side of my ankle from about six inches above it, to down onto the foot was in a strange, tense cramp. When I tried to move my leg, my toes cramped downward and would not unfurl. For a long time. The pain made a Charlie horse feel like a massage.
From there, the tingling took over. My whole body. Like falling into a beehive.
I must say that I have a great relationship with God, because God understands when I tell him to go F himself. Strong words, I know. But that was how I felt last night. Just fuck. Fuck this illness. Fuck the people who write the scripts for this shit. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. My hunch is if you are in benzo withdrawal, you GET IT. You understand the frustration. It takes so long for our receptors and nerve endings to heal from the damage.
This morning I am back to being benzo sick. It’s a foggy san fran bay area morning. I am headed out to the garden, to walk around my plants and silently apologize to God for my cursing him in the middle of the night. But I am sure he understands how tired I am of this roller coaster. Windows, waves, windows, waves. All I know to do is throw my hands in the air and yell, wheeeeee!
One day, this is going to end.
I know that.
I know I am getting better, even when the waves hit.
Funny, I have always, always, always, hated roller coasters. So how I got in line for the most terrifying one of all, benzo withdrawal, is beyond me.
Keep fighting the good fight everyone.
I know its lonely and tiring.
But the finish line is out there.
Gentle hugs to you all.
Jenn
Thinking of you, and wishing for your pain to go away ..I am in the same boat as you ..God help us ..hugs.
I get a lot of the same things you have talked about. I found for me anyway it’s because I have done to much and must rest for the next couple days. This week I drove the beach and home the next day and than went to visit a friend in Philly Pa and drove back home and I had one hell of a night last night. So today I am just going to be a lazy. I think when we feel better we want to get the most out of that day but the body and brain just is not ready. I know you will bounce back just take it easy. And I agree them FUCKING doctors. I would like to have them take them just a couple of months and stop the meds so they can see what happens. I had been on them for over twenty five year and in tolerance for most of my adult life but it is getting better. I felt just like you last night everything was tingling . So claim down my dear and rest till you feel better. Love to all of you!
Dr. Jenn! I’m new to you blessed site! Have you fully tapered? If so, long has it been? Most fondly, Jean
Sent from my iPad
I am suffering the same symptoms pretty much ..:( This is my second cut, tapering Lorazepam. It sounds like you Jenn and Thomas are done tapering ..Is that right? Can I ask what benzo you tapered, and how long ago? Thank you, wishing you peace, and healing ..xx
I was on clonazapam. 2 mgs the first 9 years and 1 mg the last nine. I tapered for 8 months. Was so sick. Went back up in dose from .3 to .9 Tapered back to .65 and then went cold turkey I don’t recommend, but in my case, it was the ONLY way I was going to get free. I am now 26 months out. Still fighting to recover my health.
Here is my reply to an earlier comment:
I was on clonazapam. 2 mgs the first 9 years and 1 mg the last nine. I tapered for 8 months. Was so sick. Went back up in dose from .3 to .9 Tapered back to .65 and then went cold turkey I don’t recommend, but in my case, it was the ONLY way I was going to get free. I am now 26 months out. Still fighting to recover my health.
Keep fighting Jean. Keep fighting. It is worth it.
Jenn, I went to an addictionologist after my Psych doc increased the clonazepam to 2 mg and my therapist noticed I was slurring my words. I am also ten years sober from alcoholism through aa. When the psych doc increased the clonazepam to mg (I had been take 1.5 for almost 30 years – he said “you must have been drinking like a fish” and the clonazepam is helping you NOT to drink. I work hard now and for the last 10 years in sobriety – it was not the clonazepam. So I called him up and “fired” him. I a now on a taper of valium down to 11 mg a day of that. I started with “tsunami’s” (road rage), etc in the beginning so I a on neurontin 900 mg a day to keep me from the tsunami’s. I just tapered – on my own the neurontin to 800 mg with no adverse effects. The point of all this is – I’m afraid I’ll have to go through ANOTHER hell getting off the neurontin.
I cannot be as strong as you with going cold turkey. My dr. is one of the one of the pioneer addictionologists so I trust him. I’m 69 1/2 and sometimes feel like wy am I going through all this. When I found your blog, it gives me hope and inspiration. You are so so honest, and one of my hero’s Dr. Jen. I, too, have a god of my understanding – thank you for sharing about your garden. It sounds like what I call Serenity Garden (mine)..
Jenn,- thinking of you. Glad to know your sleep is getting a bit better. Keep up the good work with the articles. =)
Robb S
Hi Janice,
This is just to say I’m a similar age and yes, it’s worth it. I was on them forty years and had symptoms much of that time. I cold turkeyed nearly ten months ago and am doing well. it’s a difficult and hazardous road to follow but the benefits far outweigh the horrors of the journey. I have windows of normality now and they are so good. I’m looking forward to a happy healthy old age.
Good Luck, you will make it.
Thank you Rosalind. It’s so good to hear from someone my age going through this. Yes, I want to be free of all the psych drugs. I stopped the bipolar meds a year ago with no adverse effects. Yes, some people comment on “you are manic right now.” … Well that is the real me and my “gift” of getting off the bipolar drugs is that I am enjoying creativity ) I’m so very happy you are on the journey to freedom, a lot braver than me.
Many Blessings and Thank you
Janice
Gentle hugs to all of you So brave!
I feel your pain and struggle I also tried the cold turkey Couldn’t keep it together and have little grand-daughter to take of so am tapering
Am down to one quarter of dose So will continue this way for a month and then down again
Love and good luck to you all
Elizabetg
Can anyone please share a method to taper Ativan?
I have been doing cut and hold, and the symptoms are just terrible ..:( I am at almost 3 weeks since the cut, and cannot get stable ..
My head is suffering with symptoms, and I have trouble breathing ..
Any thoughts will be welcomed ..
Thank you ..Wishing healing to all..
Souli