I took a very long break from this blog. My withdrawal turned horrific.
I failed my taper and finally cold turkeyed. It was indescribable.
I will blog about the journey soon.
But here is the update:
I still have burning, tingling, bone pain, jaw pain, head aches, muscle aches, exhaustion, anxiety, panic, depression, intrusive thoughts, obsessional thoughts and more…. I sleep fairly well, which I am grateful for.
I have healed quite a bit, but there is much more to come. My old life trauma thawed out and I have had to cope with a resurgence of feelings and thoughts. This is by far, the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I started this blog thinking that I was going to whip withdrawal to the ground. Instead, it showed me just how powerful a foe it is. But in the end, I win. I will never take another benzo. I will stand firm and with God’s help, face my fears.
I am fighting the good fight. I will not give up or in.
Today I woke with the usual burning, tingling etc. My thoughts immediately go to the negative. Death, sickness, fear…. I can’t seem to shake the darkness. I repeat positive affirmations: I am whole, perfect, powerful, strong, loving, peaceful, healthy and happy. It helps quiet my dark mind. I know the darkness is simply withdrawal. One day I will wake up fresh, eager to start the day. I used to be full of creative energy. I know it will return. And sooner rather than later. I have a lot of healing time under my belt. Working with my clients helps a great deal too. I find great comfort in being of service. I trust Bliss John’s, (recovery-road.org) is correct that we all heal. I trust my healing is unfolding in the right way, in the right time. I am grateful for my healing. I am grateful for my life, even in my misery. I know this misery will pass. One day.
WELCOME back!!! I’m so happy to read your posts because I’ve thought of you many times. I also quietly but very gratefully celebrated my 13 months of Xanax on the 18th of July and like you, at times still have the same symptoms. But what I have even more of, just like you, is HOPE. There was a time when out of sheer desperation and blind faith that I would repeat the mantra that “This too shall pass.” I would hope that I would heal like I’d heard others had. But now, no matter how bad the symptoms we always KNOW that it will pass, because we have and continue to have many moments of experiencing healing in all areas of our lives….Body, mind and especially spirit.. God bless you for surviving this and for passing this hope along to others. I’ll be joyfully looking forward to sharing your continued healing through your posts. Again, it’s GREAT to have you back!