I hope I’m not jinxing myself by saying that I am having some wonderful windows. The mornings are far less brutal than even a week ago. The afternoons are tolerable and sometimes, downright enjoyable. The tingling is much better as is the burning and pain. Dizzy/woozy still lurks around, but even that is getting better.
Sleep is improving too. I am grateful. I am able to think creatively again. I’m not stuck in the looping thoughts and my obsessional thinking is far better as well. I can still get bouts of anxiety in my body, but it is not anything like it was in the past. I can overlook it with good distraction.
I was totally blindsided by the wave that swept me out to sea last June. It was worse than any other. It brought back outright fear and the horrible benzo thinking. I am so glad that one is over. It took a long time to get better. It was scary.
I feel I am about 85% healed now. Hopefully in the next year (two?) I will be able to say all symptoms are gone. (I think the tinnitus will be permanent however.)
I’m back to working with clients (not people in benzo withdrawal) and my new book is at the publishers. I am painting again and learning to draw. I am also writing my first novel. My mind is clear enough to write again.
I am hopeful I can slowly but steadily reclaim my life and get back on my feet financially. I know I am not the only person recovering from benzo withdrawal to lose everything from being so terribly disabled. We have all lost so much to this horrid drug. But when you are down, there is only one way to go… UP!
I am taking the days as they come and I am taking baby steps back out into the world. I decided not to go to Denver. As much as I want to go back to Colorado, I need to use what energy I do have into getting back on my feet with work. I can’t risk a setback to my central nervous system. I’ll wait until the spring to travel.
Easy Does It! I have to remember those three words. I still have healing to do, but I am grateful for the few hours I am getting every afternoon of normal. I know it may sound odd, but I am over the moon about reconnecting with my true self. I had forgotten who I was. I am remembering that I was okay. I was creative. Funny. Kind. Curious. Ambitious. It was all there, just waiting for me. Now with benzo wd under my belt, I can add humble and grateful. I am a better person these days, no doubt about it.
I”m tired so this post is pretty jumbled and jagged. Hope it makes some sense. I wanted to post it and let others know that my healing is taking a rapid turn for the better. Thank you, God!
If you are in a bad wave, don’t give up hope. If I can see the light at the end of the tunnel at some point, you will too. I was incredibly sick for a very long time. I’m getting worlds better. You will too. In time.
Thank you all for going on this journey with me. I appreciate you all so much. It’s been quite a strange trip, has it not? I don’t know what I would have done without you all for support and friendship.
I know I would have been lost without Don, our benzo healing posterboy. He’s a hero to so many of us.
When this last wave crashed in, I wrote to him every day for a long time, crying, whining and being an all-around pain in the ass. He was always there. (Thank you!) So many others.. Colleen, Pam, Matt, Jan, Julie, Linda, Karen, Carol, Ruth, Cindy, May, Rob, Sue, Bliss….. and so many others. Thank you.
I’ll update again in a bit and let you know if this high water mark is sticking around. I hope so! I like this new baseline. I like it a lot!
Wow! Wonderful news Jen! Keep it going.
So very happy that things are turning around for you. I don’t think you’ll jinx anything. It’s just time. You give such hope to those far out that we really do heal in our own time. Perserverance, perserverance, perserverance.
Such welcome words to read Jenn….so happy you are doing better…now go easy….I will be in touch…
This is great news. Jennifer you write and express your feelings and thoughts so well! If I could write like you I would be writing books for a living. All that you have stated in this blog applies to so many of us out here in benzo land. Most of us suffer silently in our own little world.
As far as your tinnitus goes I hope it gets better also. I have the same issue especially when I wake up in the mornings. It gets so loud in my right ear. My toxic naps are no longer. My thoughts will try to loop still but I can cut them off now and think more clearly. Still struggling with some crazy dreams but most of the nightmares and night sweats have diminished.
My last major hurdle seems to be exercise. I still can not even hit a basket of golf balls without feeling the effects. Exercise digs up some crazy withdrawal symptoms in me.
Im a Christian and when this all started and I had to stop reading my Bible because I would have so much shame and guilt. Benzo withdrawal plays a lot of games on your mind. It took away my ambition, confidence and my ability to view anything positive. One thing it could not take away was my faith in the one who saved me. I thank Jesus for keeping me through all this time. The devil tried to convince me that Jesus had thrown me away for good. Well we all know the truth! We all know He will never leave us or fore shake us! Jesus saved me and no one can pluck me out of his hand! Jesus is Lord!
All this mess and nightmare symptoms from taking only .75mg a day for two years!!! I even tapered over three months and protracted withdrawal still happened to me. I feel deep sorrow for those who do not know the truth about this. My heart goes out to them.
Jennifer, most people who write what you do or do videos on Youtube always disappear from he scene after they recover from withdrawal. Its people like yourself who have given us all hope in the middle of the night when we have awakened suddenly in panic and anxiety. Since this all started for me my laptop has gone to bed with me so that I could pull myself together in the middle of the night by reading what some else has written. It assured me I was not loosing my mind in a dark hour. Jennifer keep writing for those who need assurance and hope.
I’m six months out from my FINAL Xanax. I’m hoping for not much longer. My thoughts and thinking still get a little crazy at times along with some brain fog. I have been able to keep the anxiety and panic at bay for a few months. My legs and feet no longer feel like they weigh ten tons each! I also still have visual issues and tightness in the back of my neck and head.
Through all this I have still been able to operate my six businesses. It has been hell at times but I have NEVER given up. When driving became a issue I just forced myself into my car and did it anyway. I swore that panic was not going to control me. I’m still not flying yet but Im hoping one day for that also.
If I could say anything to those who are suffering from benzo withdrawal I would say: 1. NEVER GIVE UP 2. YOUR BRAIN IS LYING TO YOU, ITS THE MEDS!!! 3.YOU WILL NOT DIE FROM THIS 4. YOU WILL NOT GO CRAZY FROM THIS 5. IF YOU KNOW THE LORD HE HAS NOT AND NEVER WILL LEAVE YOU 6. SOME DOCTORS DO NOT KNOW A HOLE IN THE GROUND WHEN THEY SEE ONE 7. NO ONE CAN FEEL WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH, THEY CAN ONLY SEE YOUR OUTSIDE WHICH LOOKS NORMAL TO THEM 8. WHEN YOUR MIND TELLS YOU NOT TO LEAVE YOUR HOUSE OR GO DRIVE YOUR CAR YOU DO IT ANYWAY, YOU DECIDE EVEN WHEN IT FEELS LIKE THE END OF THE WORLD IF YOU DO. IT WILL NOT END FOR YOU!
Kenny Rogers sang a song which stated you’ve got to know when to hold them, know when to fold them, when to walk away, when to run. YOU DECIDE THESE THINGS AND NO ONE ELSE!!! There will be those times when people will try to force you into situations which cause you extreme fear. You must decide when and how you attack those issues and not someone else. YOU WILL OVERCOME in time if you do not give up and YOU WILL NOT GIVE UP!!!
Hi Jennifer!im so glad you are doing better!!!the good waves are just awesome!when you get the anxiety parts of the day,what does that feel like?does it feel overwhelming like you cant calm down?i get that and then come the obsessive thoughts I have an adrenal problem or something……..do you feel that way?
Ahh, Jenn. SO GLAD the good times/healing are coming back again
for you!!
Thank Goodness and so happy for you, dear lady. We so all need to have you with us, positive, hopeful and healing. Time, Time, Time. We all seem to get worse before we get better. Just the way it is. But it is very very very very very difficult to keep positive, to keep thinking this will all end soon. I know. I keep saying my little mantra now….Acknowledge, Accept and Ignore….when I get old and new sxs.
Big hugs to you and will look forward to more of your supportive and uplitfting posts.
Karen
Glad to hear this – REALLY glad. You’ve never been a pain – never. I look forward to reading your novel.
Glad to hear your feeling better sooo glad! Hugs!
Glad to hear Jennifer1 Thank you : )
Great news Jenn!!! Keep thinking positive…soon the beast will be gone forever!!!
Very good news and so glad that it is improving. thanks for posting as it helps to look at the other side of this new wave…it is inconceivable all that we go through to survive this and it is do-able tho not perfect. I cannot hope for 100% but anything beyond the last window will be just fine!