October 2010 I began tapering off of my nightly dose of clonazepam. I’ve been in benzo withdrawal ever since. Every Christmas I said to myself, “Next year, I’ll be healed.” I won’t say that this year, because it really doesn’t matter anymore. I have a life again. A very, very good life. I know how to manage my symptoms, but moreover, I know how to manage my reaction to them and to life in general. I am no longer the victim in any circumstance. In fact, benzo withdrawal has given me a fortitude that no pill could ever have given me. It’s not that I feel invincible, I don’t. I am keenly aware that one day I will pass on, like everything else. I feel strong in who I am, what I believe in/stand for, and what I really want.
Benzo Withdrawal syndrome profoundly changed my life. It was a gift, albeit a hard one to embrace. I know if you are still suffering, it may be hard to think that what you are going through has any redeeming quality. I assure you, in the end, it does. Be patient.
I am spending Christmas with my children at my sisters house. She is my only sibling, and we have never been very close. But withdrawal changed me and allowed me to see my role in our distance, and to amend it. Having my sister in my life is a gift that surviving withdrawal gave me. It also gave me the courage and the desire to pack up and travel the USA to meet many of you who read my blog because you are suffering as I was. I am looking forward to hearing all of your stories. It will be an honor, really.
I’m also celebrating a great delight this Christmas. My eldest son got engaged last night. It is a deep, deep, happiness to know that he is happy and building a solid life for himself. A life that includes love. His girlfriend is an amazing young woman who will be a good life partner. I couldn’t be more pleased.
I hope you all have a merry Christmas as much as you are able. I hope you can distract from your symptoms and hold a bit of hope in your heart. Hope that one day, you will not only feel like yourself again, but that you will feel like a stronger and wiser you. If you allow this suffering to open your heart instead of shutting it down, I promise you, life will become incredibly good.
With my full and cracked open heart, I wish you peace, health, and a deep sense of purpose. I know those are gifts that are waiting for you to unwrap, in time.
I love you all.
Jennifer
Such good and blessed news. We all have to heal in our time and the lessons we will learn will be the silver lining in the dark cloud of the suffering we are going through. Thank you for taking time out of your renewed life and sharing your story for all these years. You are a blessing to us all and I know you will be doing wonderful and fulfilling things in the future.
God bless you and your family on this beautiful and here, white, Christmas.
Merry Christmas to you. You will be in my prayers as you travel. Godspeed!
Thank you Jennifer. N congrats n 2 Ur Son. It is hard especially staying w/fam @ times n things they did thru yrs. n..I want be negative..I try not 2..I will go 4 a visit some time today..just wish soon cuz eves n nites, well..I know God is there..Blessings n 2 All n A Merry Christmas
This is my third Christmas in AD withdrawal.
Things have gotten a lot better, and I agree with you that this experience, as awful as it is,will make us wiser, stronger persons.
Merry Christmas to you all.
You are my heros.
Merry Christmas, Jennifer. So happy that you are finally in a good place this Christmas, and can enjoy this special time with your family. Looking forward to your journey across the country. Be safe and God bless.
May the Lord bless you and keep you safe, May His face shine down upon you and give you peace. May you know the assurance of His unconditional love for you.
Merry Christmas!
I am three weeks out from my last cut! 5mg. When I reinstated I think I was at 40mg (my brain is still fuzzy so I can’t remember totally). I have dropped 15mg this is year! I am beyond proud of myself because I didn’t think I would get through it! I haven’t seen any difference.. I have seen myself.. The person who suffered before benzos from panic attacks..that is the person I am today.. I have panic attacks..I’m learning to cope.. Its hard and I have forgotten the skills I learned before I gave in to the meds, but I’m learning and I’m so glad that I was able to make so much progress this year! Happy New Year!
Glad to hear this holiday season has been good for you! Congrats on your sons engagement! (Michelle are you on Librium by any chance?)