Just over the hill from where I live is a surfing area called Mavericks. When the weather/wave gods decide to favor the area with some badass waves, surfers from all around the world converge on the coast to show off their skills in a contest known simply as Mavericks.
Tuesday I ate BBQ pork sliders, outside at a restaurant where I could see the surfing area. The waves were so gentle that afternoon it was hard to imagine the 70 foot swells that area can churn up.
That’s what it’s like these days for me. I’ve had some amazing days where I feel that withdrawal is finally on its last legs. I feel so close to shore and the nasty chaos behind me. Then, a wave comes and I am reminded that my GABA receptors aren’t completely recovered. Sometimes, the wave builds and I feel like I’m riding a chicane that could qualify for Mavericks. Like the wave I’m riding now.
I attended a workshop Wednesday morning. It was stressful getting to it, and I hadn’t slept the best the night before. But, I wasn’t in the hurt locker. I was having a great time until 11 A.M. when the benzo symptoms started roll call. Tingles? Here. Bone pain? Here. You get the picture. I fell into bed when I finally got home. And its been this way since then. A lot of couch time as it’s uncomfortable to walk. I’m woozy and weak, the head pressure too overwhelming. Bone pain comes and goes. The tingles are back with a vengeance. I’ve muttered “Fuck!” under my breath a few times, but for the most part, I’m doing what I’ve learned to do: roll with the punches and know that I’ll bounce back one of these days.
I refuse to let this illness define me or my life. So I keep moving forward. I feel like crap in my body, but my heart and soul are good. I’ve been getting caught up reading Humans Of New York on Facebook. (How did I miss this for four years? I just discovered it!) I am working too, putting together the slides for my resilience training courses and of course, I’m writing.
Thanks to everyone who emails and asks how I am doing. I appreciate your care and concern. I’m healing, just like everyone else. Riding waves, enjoying windows and feeling confident that one day, I can retire this wetsuit for good.
Be well. Hold on.
Sounds like you’re really on that windows and waves roller coaster ride right now. It’s encouraging that you’re having some really good windows. Are you finding that the waves are shorter now as well? It sounds like you’re approaching the finish line. I pray that 2015 will be your year to leave this past season behind you. We all need to go through a season of growth and renewal. The season after withdrawal we get to share so much of ourselves and everything that we’ve learned. I’m doing some of that now, though at 21 months I feel I still have a good ways to go. The better days that I have does give me a taste of what’s to come. You’ve been such an inspiration on how to persevere. You’ll never know how much your blog has meant to me during this really difficult time in my life. It just helps so much to know that there are others experiencing the same weird sensations that you are. Hope things will calm down and you will have your best window yet for thanksgiving. We really do have so much to be thankful for. God bless you and all the other benzo buddies.
Very well said!
Jenn: I’m sorry to hear that the Wave is back…I was curious to see if you have heard of TM? Transcendental Meditation…I just started it. It’s supposed to be very powerful, but I’m not sure if it’s too much for you? It can be expensive, but they do have financial assistance /discounts etc. hang in there:)
Too much for your mind and body..I didn’t mean financially!
Jenn, I’m sorry you’re not having quieter days right now. Know that this is the last of the waves wrapping up, doing their thing to heal you back to 100 percent. You’re having some nice long windows that will eventually blend together and wipe out all the waves. I look back over your posts at your history and see a clear pattern of recovery. On bad days, look back at all the great days you’ve been having. Even since this last wave started, you’ve had several days of good in between and will continue to.
If your spirit is great, that’s what matters most. I hope your head keeps feeling happy and clear; that will make the waves go by in the background. Keep kicking the wave’s ass.
Know that we are all praying for you and that we appreciate what you and your blog have done for us.
Your right on all of that Jennifer. The waves for sure. Good 4 you what you are doing and self care. No fun : ( The head pressure, ears, imbalance, sleep off 2 etc..n its my year off the “K” today actually. Rest is in my schedule mainly still and self care. Stress of any is alot..Just wish it well if i can visit family Thanksgiving half hr away..socials hard..I remembered b4 drugs..I had anxiousness getting ready 4 the health spa and when I would take walks and others pass by..when I can work more, wish to see therapist more 4 support of all the past that still hinders. I wont give up. Thank you for always being of support with your blog Jennifer. I felt funny as i do w/asking my friends what support they have and go overboard(?) and dont want to cross your bounderies if i email you. I do feel little better..not using anything over counter or even antacids..the red dye in those little cookies etc..My pc had a virus and hope better now that i found a free option and safe I hope(norton) so i wasnt going online much. anyway..HOPES to the end of the waves 1 day and to all.