Dreams. They were the ONE place I could get away from benzo withdrawal syndrome. I was me…unfettered. Happy. Traveling to the places I so dearly love and miss. I could mingle with people, toss back my head and laugh. I could dance in hot, overcrowded clubs, house music blaring through my bones. I could fall in love, embrace, kiss… I could sit and watch a snowstorm and feel the crisp line of cold hit my face.
In dreams, I had my life back. As much as I often dread the night as it means I have to soon wake up and do groundhog day over again, I relished the nights I could cobble enough hours of sleep together for me to dream. But benzo withdrawal invaded my dreams. Now, there is no area of my life for me to escape. Benzo withdrawal gravity pulls me in and has no desire to let me go. Not yet, at least.
I dreamed that I had tingles and burning. I wasn’t the “real” Jennifer, I was benzo sick Jennifer. I woke up so sad.
It’s another couch day for me. I walked to Starbucks for my morning decaf latte and it was a challenge. The head pressure is intense, as is the body pain and wooziness. I am going to do some gardening when I feel better after lunch, and I’ll do my daily drawing or painting. I am determined to learn to draw. I think it helps my brain too.
Another day of walking in faith that I one day wake up well. And that I can go to bed and dream dreams without benzo withdrawal in them.
Hope everyone is holding on. Feel free to write a comment and let us know how you are doing.
Sending you all my love.
I watch your progress and fall backs and wonder what will happen when I take my last dose in Dec. I had a very distracting weekend and when I would sit the benzos (my nickname from any sx) would hit and I wondered if I will ever have peace again
Hi Dr. Jenn. I’m sharing this link to my latest blog post. It might help you to know that you aren’t the only one limping along out there. Your readers might like to know this, too. I’;m trying to stay positive. It isn’t always easy, but I’m glad that you were able to get out today. Sometimes we just have to celebrate those small things, y’know?
http://rasjacobson.com/2014/09/26/limping-back-to-life/
xoRenee
Thanks for the comment and the link. We can limp along together.
You will. But it may take awhile. Keep going.
Does anyone else feel that the changing seasons exacerbates the symptoms? Here in upper midwest we are having beautiful weather but I am going through a divorce, leaving my beloved gardens behind. Plus my tomatoes and flowers are all full of mildew, exactly how this place is feeling to me.
I am not even done weaning from klonopin and i ache constantly ( i was diagnosed with fibro and inflammatory disease). I have probable peri menopause adding near constant migraines to my debilitating ear ringing. Not to mention the lovely swooning hot flashes- or is it benzos”?! To top it off SSA is reviewing me. So while I am trying to focus on the few positives, I need to do all of this paperwork and my joints ache terrible and i am trying to pack boxes with my little energy.
So I do everything in small doses. I take many walks outside to notice the fall beauty. I see my beautiful chill dog sleeping content in the sun (which is why he will now be in a shared custody scheme- I need him, he needs this yard).
Despite it all, I know I am healing! I was in such a fog the last couple of years unable to cry or say why I was so unhappy. As I taper, I am allowing feelings to come back. I even just said no to my soon to be ex- no I could not go pick him a green onion when I was already picking ground cherries!
Oh and about sleeping. I am also addicted to ambien which I also have grown a reaction to- when I try to fall alseep I wake with a horrid zap in my brain. I no longer panic, I just flicker annoyance for a minute then thanks to the drug I fall back asleep. Dreading what will happen when I quit!
Happy fall everyone, hope you find that one moment of peace everyday!
It is so reassuring that we are all on this trip together and we can all attest to the fact that it is not a walk in the park. I am feeling so sad for you in that you aren’t seeing any breaks in your distress and pray that you won’t become hopeless. There are tons of us out here pulling for you to come out on the other side with a huge bang. WE are anxious to see that happen and it will definitely be a time of celebration.
I am happy to report that for the last 4 days I have been on a trip to Dallas with my husband for a mission board meeting. I wouldn’t have been able to do this even a month ago. I would have fallen apart today after getting the news that our flight was cancelled because of the fire at the Chicago airport. I am actually pretty calm and taking it in stride–amazing. I trust there won’t be any surprises for me out there as far as a relapse and that you will also be able to get through your latest one–never again to return to them. If this has happened for me it will for everyone. I was on a benzo for over 25 years and in a coma for a week just 20 months ago so it is is possible. I’m not there totally yet but can function at least. Please keep believing.
Linnea
Sorry you are having another bad day Jennifer.I think you are so scrappy to walk to get your coffee!That is a hard thing to do when you have the woozey head thing,and I know for me the anxiety can be very bad some days.I think the anxiety is coming now in small waves.It used to last all day.Im making progress there.The jaw pain/dizziness is still bad.It feels like it will never end.
Its tough in w/ds thats for sure : ( Yes dreams..what r they..wish that better n for u n others in w/ds. I was on so many..ativan..then klonopin..etc for a decade..never thot w/ds last so long..dont remember dreaming in 2 yrs maybe..tjo have a dream or goal n move to Cali retired ; ) feel little better but still..n gets in the way. Not sleeping the best n when something small even comes up im a mess n cry as i didnt so much b4 benzos etc n..didnt want to walk today til tuesday..as it does help but tired of achy back etc..need break..spent more time w/kitty cat. A friends been there for me tho confusing n wish people in the flesh….like to try decaf but wait..mayb next yr..I colored few months back n drew simple things..flowers, balloons..sky..do it again. Love nature 2..I keep praying..n Were all ourselves once AGAIN.
Yes thank you. N w/the cat, sleeps n lives like no cares..peace I wish for.
Today is an interesting day..it’s my birthday and I’m also burying my Aunt. It’s difficult, but I feel blessed to be surrounded by my family. I have felt so much better since I switched from Synthroid to Naturethroid..I know it doesn’t apply to a lot of people, but maybe one person out there are without a thyroid and in Benzo withdrawal. Naturethroid has changed my life (it’s only been a few weeks, but I’m hopeful)…I will keep you posted! Hang in there Jenn, I know that you will pull out of this..I just know it!
Benzo withdrawal invades my dreams too. In the first few months off I didn’t dream at all, which is incredibly unusual for me. For months after that, I had what I referred to as “looping, obsessive sequences” – they were like 1-2 seconds of an incomplete film clip, with image and audio, looping over and over all night. It made no sense, and made me feel insane. When I started to dream more normally in month 10 or so, I was always compromised in them… always in withdrawal. And then I would wake up in the morning unable to tell whether or not I was still dreaming – a horrifying experience that lasted until very recently.
In the past few months, my dreams would start out normally, but at some point I would realize – “hey, I’ve been climbing this magical staircase for a long time! I don’t have the energy for that! I need to stop right now and go home or I’m going to be in a terrible wave!” Stuff like that. No fun. I’m in month 16 now, and sloooooowly improving.
I am starting to have some pretty fantastical dreams again with less and less benzo interruptions, which is wonderful. It is unbelievable how much these drugs take away from us, how they can invade our every waking thoughts. But when benzos get into your subconscious, THAT’S when you know it’s bad!
I haven’t written to you before now, but I just wanted to say hello, and that I get it, and to thank you and Don for your writing. Your bravery means the world to me!
Hello. Glad you wrote. Glad it’s getting better for you. Keep healing!
Jennifer, I keep thinking of you and praying for your full recovery, soon.
Hi Michelle,
I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis and hypothyroidism (just one of many diseases that sprang from an undetected lyme disease infection). I have been taking Naturethroid for years and just last week upped my dose slightly to help me get through benzo withdrawal. Its been 22 days without the drug and the weakness/fatigue is profound. Increasing my dose a little has helped.