June 22, 2011. I pray I always remember that day. I swallowed my last dose of Klonopin! Here’s the short story and some thoughts for you in your own recovery process.
I tapered for 8 months. Bedridden for four months (or more? have lost count.) I was sick, sick, sick. So sick that my doctor told me to go up in dose and stabilize. I did. Broke my heart. So in a few days I started back down again. It was too hard. I finally gave up and saw an addiction specialist who moved me over to phenobarbitol. What a ride it has been!
I went into the hospital last Monday as I felt I was coming apart at the seams. It was a grueling week in the hospital, but I am home now, on Independence Day! I will forever remember this day!! I walked out of the hospital this afternoon feeling proud.
I am tapering off of the pheno very slowly and hopefully, my brain will be in decent enough shape when I am done. I have a long road ahead of me, I know. After 18 years of use, my brain needs time to right itself.
I won’t go into the gory details of my journey to date, but I can say it was hell, and I am proud I have gotten through it. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I am doing it, one day at a time.
My thoughts to share are these:
1. Be gentle with yourself. It takes time to heal. Don’t try to make up for lost time by doing too much too soon.
2. Get through your taper or withdrawal on your terms. Every person’s experience will be different. Do what you need to do, and get through it however you need to. I knew in my heart I was never going to be able to taper and get free on my own. I needed this. Is the way I did it for everyone? No. Of course not. But so far, its working for me.
3. Dig deep. You have inner resources you never knew. Don’t let fear stop you. I have dug into parts of myself I have never accessed before. Glad to know those places are there!
Those are my main thoughts. My thoughts are pretty scattered at the moment. I don’t know when I will write again. But I’ll do my best to keep you posted and to offer some help along the way.
I can honestly say I am so proud of myself. I am not letting that stupid little pill win~! I am fighting for my brain back. I’m getting it. Slowly.
If you have a horror story about tapering from pheno, I’d rather you keep it to yourself. I don’t need any negative energy at the moment. I’m raw at the moment. I’ll face each new day and it’s problems as they show up.
Thank you all for your support and encouragement. I wish you all the very best in your recovery from benzos! It’s a tough battle but worth the effort.
To being independent from those stupid pills!