what caused the sensations I can only describe as “the episodes” or “the spells.”  They happen throughout the day and there seems to be no rhyme or reason to them. They are not caused by thoughts, eating, emotions, heat.. or at least I haven’t been able to pinpoint one (or more) triggers.

I’ll do my best to describe what it feels like in my body when they occur. (Like most benzo symptoms, words fall short.) It starts with a sense of internal pressure, sorta, but not really. See, its hard to give words to the feeling. My head fills with pressure, my hip sockets ache, and my tongue tingles/burns. The bottom of my feet ramp up with burning/tingles and my jaw will often ache. My skin feels like it is suddenly too small. I feel as if I am being crushed, but bot from the outside in, rather from the inside being pulled into the deep center of my body.

When this happens, I feel rather woozy. Not short of breath, or dizzy, but rather a bit disoriented with a touch of derealization thrown in for fun. Sometimes the episodes are mild and other times they are quite debilitating as the pain that accompanies them can be intense. They can create a sense of anxiety, but lately I have been able to “not go there.”  The back of head pressure kicks in or gets worse, and often I have ear pressure too when it happens.

I am battling wicked fatigue, joint pain, deep muscle aches, and an overall shitty feeling most of every waking hour. When these “spells” come over me, I can feel rather despondent. I so want to lead a normal life. I can’t imagine traveling until these symptoms get better.

This morning I went to a local cafe to have breakfast and to do my morning drawing. ( I have challenged myself to learn to draw. I do a drawing a day, or a painting. It’s good meditation.) I sat and drew and felt so awful. I mean, really, really, awful. Any normal human being feeling what I felt in my body would have gone to the ER, or at the least, to see their doctor. My head had so much pressure it was hard to sit up. My chest hurt, as if someone was inside squeezing my heart. Every joint hurt. I felt so weak. But this is my new normal. As much as I hate it, it seems I am stuck with it for now.

I so want off this roller coaster. I want a day of normal. I want to be able to sleep. To sleep in and wake up with a body that doesn’t feel like it has a foot in the grave. I want to wake up excited to start my day, not dread it.

I sure wish I knew what causes these crazy benzo withdrawal symptoms.

Hope everyone is holding on out there. We have another day of healing under our belts.