what caused the sensations I can only describe as “the episodes” or “the spells.” They happen throughout the day and there seems to be no rhyme or reason to them. They are not caused by thoughts, eating, emotions, heat.. or at least I haven’t been able to pinpoint one (or more) triggers.
I’ll do my best to describe what it feels like in my body when they occur. (Like most benzo symptoms, words fall short.) It starts with a sense of internal pressure, sorta, but not really. See, its hard to give words to the feeling. My head fills with pressure, my hip sockets ache, and my tongue tingles/burns. The bottom of my feet ramp up with burning/tingles and my jaw will often ache. My skin feels like it is suddenly too small. I feel as if I am being crushed, but bot from the outside in, rather from the inside being pulled into the deep center of my body.
When this happens, I feel rather woozy. Not short of breath, or dizzy, but rather a bit disoriented with a touch of derealization thrown in for fun. Sometimes the episodes are mild and other times they are quite debilitating as the pain that accompanies them can be intense. They can create a sense of anxiety, but lately I have been able to “not go there.” The back of head pressure kicks in or gets worse, and often I have ear pressure too when it happens.
I am battling wicked fatigue, joint pain, deep muscle aches, and an overall shitty feeling most of every waking hour. When these “spells” come over me, I can feel rather despondent. I so want to lead a normal life. I can’t imagine traveling until these symptoms get better.
This morning I went to a local cafe to have breakfast and to do my morning drawing. ( I have challenged myself to learn to draw. I do a drawing a day, or a painting. It’s good meditation.) I sat and drew and felt so awful. I mean, really, really, awful. Any normal human being feeling what I felt in my body would have gone to the ER, or at the least, to see their doctor. My head had so much pressure it was hard to sit up. My chest hurt, as if someone was inside squeezing my heart. Every joint hurt. I felt so weak. But this is my new normal. As much as I hate it, it seems I am stuck with it for now.
I so want off this roller coaster. I want a day of normal. I want to be able to sleep. To sleep in and wake up with a body that doesn’t feel like it has a foot in the grave. I want to wake up excited to start my day, not dread it.
I sure wish I knew what causes these crazy benzo withdrawal symptoms.
Hope everyone is holding on out there. We have another day of healing under our belts.
I feel a lot of the way you do… I did not think it was from my benzo wd still. I have other health issues so thought maybe it was from that. Maybe it is still from this benzo stuff. Your not alone in how you are feeing…I pray to God you and I both start to feel better. I’m going to several diff. Doctors for other issues pituitary tumor, low ferritin, liver issues and I feel how you describe. The doctors have yet to be sure why I feel how I do…and I’ve heard it could be from my pituitary tumor but not sure what it is that’s causing all my symptoms. I pray for your healing and all others going through this.
God bless you, Jenn and everyone who is going through this. I’ve been there…completely and it DOES get better…The healing is just not linear, as you know…It’s in fits and starts. HANG IN THERE and never, ever lose hope. You are healing in this very moment.
Hi Jennifer. Was at bible study tonight and we prayed for you. Every day thru this is a day closer to it being over. I am sorry, but understand too. I don’t sleep either. No, I’m not as invested as you are being I’m only 10 months out, but I have tasted what you feel.
U describe it so well Jennifer. My harder times r at nite but the days..like mundane kinda..the anxiety ive been learning to deal in a way. Back aches n all over aches. My sleep 2-3 hrs n mayb 5-6 split if very tired. Thought what I eat n effects my hiatal hernia. Taking probiotic 4 ibs(is that ok? n read off meds ok but). All this n analyzings a wear. 10 months pretty much benzo free. Congrats on ur time free. I wish to sleep regularly n go about days ok 2. Gradually work more. I have hope..patience hard at times. Wishes of u Jennifer n all keep at it. Thx for this. I dont make alot of sense at times n talk..weird but. I talk up a storm n think cuz im not around others enuf. When i am w/people. Wish to b w/others n in evenings. Guess slow n practice.
Dear Jenn, you are very brave in how you’re handling your recovery. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I can empathize with how you feel because I am in a similar situation full of pain and countless ill hours. You will recover soon no doubt.
So good to hear how you are doing Jennifer!Thankyou for keeping us posted on your recovery,it sure is a comfort to hear your journey.I also have the jaw pain.What do you think triggers that in benzo withdrawal?Its so weird how that could make our jaws hurt.Ive heard lots of people with the same jaw symptom from benzos.
That is my trademark withdrawal feeling through this whole thing. It hits hard in waves, or spells but its always in the background. It feels like I am being constricted, and like my nerves are pulsating. It is very hard to describe. It is incredibly uncomfortable. When these spells happen I also get crushed with debilitating fatigue and need to lay down. I am 22 months out now.
That is my trademark withdrawal feeling through this whole thing. It hits hard in waves, or spells but its always in the background. It feels like I am being constricted, and like my nerves are pulsating. A subtle but overwhelming sense of vibrating energy through my body. I can hear and feel my heart thud and pump blood, my hearing gets more sensitive. Everything revs. It is very hard to describe. It is incredibly uncomfortable. When these spells happen I also get crushed with fatigue and disoriented. I am 23 months out now.
Be strong , just keep going forward!