The wave from hell is slowly lifting. The depression is mostly gone. What is left, when it drifts in and out is a muddy gray instead of that deep pitch black. I can distract when it does roll in.
I am back to my more “normal” (what in God’s name and all that is holy IS normal about benzo wd?) routine: rough mornings, a bit of a lift, more symptoms, then a decent lift in the mid to late afternoon. Around 8 p.m. the sx kick in full force. I can almost set my watch to it. It’s pretty nasty at night. The burning/tingling/crushing/pain/dizzy/head pressure/weak/crappy thoughts/etc., come over me like a blanket. The anxiety that comes with the symptoms is pretty intense. It’s not emotional anxiety, but rather its a body sensation. I have muscle spasms, twitching, and bad pain.
What seems to be worse or maybe simply different, is the head pressure. I am getting more back of the head pressure with burning. stinging, and pain. When it hits, I have a hard time thinking. It’s like everything goes offline. It doesn’t stick around all day, thankfully.
Over all I am better. This wave started in June. It’s been the worst one for sure.
During the afternoon when I feel fairly decent, I have a lot of hope that one day this will be behind me. Around 8 p.m. when it all rolls in again, the hope is harder to hold onto. But I do know I am better. And I will continue to get better.
I gardened today, which is something I couldn’t do much of the past few months. Too weak. Too messed up over all. I am grateful I was well enough to dig and get the soil ready for winter bloomers. I also helped a friend remove the tack strip that was under her carpet. She’s exposing the old hard wood floors. I was happy I had enough strength to hammer away at the crowbar. I was smart enough to only do a little bit. I’ve learned to not push myself. I’ll help her again tomorrow.
One thing I am learning is how to take better care of myself. I speak up now for myself and I set much better boundaries. I know I will have learned a lot when this is over. Too bad I had to learn it this way.
Anyone else have the experience of sx lifting during the day then coming back in a distinct routine?
always, always certain times and patterns, sxs grouped. Each wave seems to have a predominant set of sxs. the overall pattern is shifting and changing, with peaks now when I used to get relief. ever changing and yet always the same. An indescribable monster this is, yet we are all trying very hard to describe it aren’t we? never give up, we don’t let it win
Good news Jennifer! I feel do to stress I have symptoms tho early in healing since the 2nd job I ended up quitting n less hrs 1st n maybe cortisone shots 4 my heals since June. Sleeps still 2-3 hrs n 5 once a wk depending split up. The body aches sadness, depressed n such. Accept n cope is hard practice : ) Less is best. Nice u help out ur neighbors. Thanks.
I am not all the way off k, but am noticing my time if month us becoming more visvious! Finally looked up full list if menopause symptoms- in addition to hot flashes, migraines, nausea, prickly weak feelings, mood swings, anxiety- sounds like benzo withdrawal! I get that horrible tight feeling around my head. Intolerant to movement and noise.
My doctor said yup, I am that age!
So how am I to motivate myself to finish my withdrawal?!
Taking my time since also just decided to leave my marriage while also adjusting to shock of empty nest!
Bring extra kind to myself, lots of boundaries and self care that I did not know how to do a year ago when I started my taper.
Healthy routines, affirmations, positive people around me. In think I am finally looking forward to rest of my life despite the bad days!
I agree that every wave has a predominate set of symptoms. With me I always have the most common symptoms such as tinnitus, tingling, anxiety and tension. Along with that this time I have had very intense head pressure, dizziness and balance problems, and very bad benzo belly and stomach distress. This week I have also had the very bad gnawing- hunger pains in my stomach. Nothing seems to help it. At almost 19 months off I’m so sick of this whole process. I can only imagine how you feel Jennifer. You have to be very close to the finish line. Hopefully this is your last bad wave. I on the other hand, could still have a long way to go. Nothing to do but hang on. I really enjoy the better days, and when the bad waves come, I just try to remember that the good days do come back eventually. Thank you for everything you do for the benzo community
My daughter is experiencing the same sx. benzobuddies.org is helping her. she’s 24 months out now. Time is the healer and you will heal.
An other question, Jenn : Since you live in California, have you ever thought about trying medical marijuana to alleviate your physical symptoms? Of course, it could add fuel to the fire in the long run…I don’t know, I’m wary of it. In a way, it would be like taking an other chemical.
Sometimes, I feel like giving it a try to counter this debilitating neurological pain. People with MS seem to be successful with it.
I got my card and tried both leaf and oil of a super low thc product high cbd. It flared me really badly. I’m super sensitive. 🙁
I guess for me it’s just the tincture of time. I have tried vitamins and supplements. They all flare me. 🙁
Sorry to hear about that. I’m very sensitive too. The other day I took a pill of Tramadol and felt even sicker as a result. It seems to me that rest is of utmost importance. Every time I feel better – and I’ve felt pretty good at times – I do the same mistake : I can’t refrain a euphoric feeling and want to catch up with time. The problem is my body doesn’t keep up with what I expect from it. Even “normal exertion” can prove devastating and it takes me sometimes months to recover. I made a big trip in February/March and am still struggling to return to my baseline. It was simply too much for me. From now on, I’ve decided to lay low even if I feel frustrated and do almost nothing. My last wave, which I am still in actually, was very brutal.
Jeff I SO understand. It is so hard to lay low. I’m an overachiever so this couch/bed/no travel stuff is beyond painful for me.
Even normal emotions are too much. I got excited today because I figured out a very technical/geeky website construction problem and the happiness made me feel anxious, like everything was going inside WAY too fast. hard to explain. But so hard to have to curtail even the joy.
We will heal one day. I hope. Thanks for the comment.
I too can set my watch by my sx’s. It’s been 31 months, I’m @ 4mg Valium on a liquid micro-taper & have a regular “schedule” of sx’s. I spend all day, every day @ home & the sx’s come @ regular times. If i do go somewhere, it does increase the sx’s but they are otherwise like clock-work.
5-9am–pounding heart, difficulty breathing, restlessness, leg cramps
9am-1pm–increased stinging in feet/hands, back spams & headache
1-5pm–stinging gets worse, gastric reflux, diarrhea, crying, oily sweating starts, agoraphobia heightens
6pm-12am–stinging, buzzing in feet/hands @ peak, numbness in feet/legs becomes painful, feet get red & hot w/burning feeling, twitching in full force
12-5am–bit of a respite. Foot pain lessens, burning stops, numbness is less intense, twitching slows down to mostly fasiculations
5am–SSDD!! (Same S**t, Different Day), but they’re all the same day, aren’t they?
Yes. They are.
I’m sorry you are suffering. Man this shit is awful.