Before I walked off the cliff called benzo withdrawal, I was a leading authority on teen girls. I had written four books and had a wonderful coaching career.
True, I was sick in tolerance withdrawal, but I was unaware there was a singular cause to the myriad of health problems I suffered. (Now I understand that my years of ill-health were the direct result of following my doctor’s orders and swallowing a benzo every day.)
Without going into the gory, gory, gory details of my taper and cold turkey off of clonazepam, I will simply say that benzo withdrawal was hell. I was terribly mentally and physically ill. For a very long time.
(I keep promising that one day I will write my story in intimate detail, but not yet. It’s too soon. It’s still too fresh.)
Believe it or not, I am grateful I have had to walk through this valley of the shadow of death. I needed this immense lesson in how to surrender so that I became willing to turn my will and my life over to God.
I wake up every morning and commit my life, for the next 24 hours, over to God as I understand God. During the day, I pause when troubled and ask for help and guidance. For the past few months, I have been asking God what shall I do with my life, now that I am closer to healed.
I feel very led to work with people in recovery from substance abuse and benzo withdrawal, of course. I want to help them get their lives back on track. The more I focus on this path, the more it opens up for me.
I have started a recovery coaching/consulting company to help people in recovery from substance abuse and help people in benzo withdrawal. My friend and colleague, Dr. David Rusen, a psychopharmacologist, is benzo-wise and has agreed to come out of semi-retirement to help benzo patients. (Thank you David!) I am looking forward to seeing where this all goes with David on board.
If you had asked me a few years ago what I would be doing for work when recovered, I would not have said working with people in recovery. Nor would I have thought that therapeutic gardening would be a part of my toolkit, but it most definitely is!
My life has changed 180 degrees for the better. I am a much better person than I was before I started my journey into recovery from alcohol and benzos. God humbled me and I now humble myself before God. I am grateful and I am deeply fulfilled with my new work and my new life. My happiness is something that is now organic in my heart and not dependant on outside events. I am, as they say in AA, happy, joyous and free.
BTW, I understand that in withdrawal it is often very hard to feel that God is present. For me, the mere thought of God sent total terror down my spine. It took over 2 years before I was able to ponder God without a mental freak out. I was often angry at God and I wondered if s/he had grown tired of me. If you are in that stage of benzo withdrawal where you can’t feel God’s love or the thought of God terrifies you, know that those feelings will fade away.
Please keep holding on. Everyday your receptors heal a tiny bit more. Don’t quit before your miracle. I am here to tell you that life keeps getting better and better and better. God is working in my life in mysterious ways. All I can say is “Thank you God. Thank you.”
As I lay in bed this morning before getting up, I was contemplating how “happy, joyous and free” would manifest itself today – a nice dinner with my friend Jayson (It was he and his wife Jane who kept me from offing myself throughout my journey – especially on that Saturday morning in the beginning when I was moments away from taking my own life. They were both alcoholics years ago.) and then off to see a Hershey Bears hockey game with him. We laugh and joke and act pretty simple for a couple guys of 60.
He will be delighted to hear your news. It will multiply our “HJF” time together this evening.
I am SO glad to see you arriving at the shore. I really am.
Don
Hooray for you, dear lady. We all feel the same in many ways…wanting to help others…I am not healed yet but I do intend to shout it out about the dangers of mind altering drugs and harmful diet. I already am and have stopped two women from starting benzos. I am just waiting for my complete healing. I pray it will be sooner than later. God is in my life again and I leave it all in his hands.
Thank you for all your support and sharing during your long horrific journey. You have surely been a light in the darkness to me. I know you will be for many others as you embark on a new beginning.
Great post. I too have decided to let God back in my life without conditions, and have had some of the best weeks since I started this journey. Peace to you and thanks for the updates.
Awesome! I am so happy to heart this. I am thrilled you had a few good weeks. Hold on to those. Let us know how you are doing.
Dear Jennifer,
Your writings comfort me and educate me. I’m very happy for you and those who are close to a full recovery .
I am suffering mostly mentally. I have GAD. I asked to be taken off Ativan because I felt it was making things worse . My doctor says I’m not in withdrawal . Says I shouldn’t get any. I have been on Ativan for a year . Going from .25 to 2 mg. I hate the way I feel . I thought that I would start feeling better as I cut the meds not like this . I’m experiencing terrible negative thinking. Am I going to keep getting worse as I cut. I’m 66 years old and was wondering if there is anyone that can communicate with me. I’m very frightened and alone in this. God bless you all.
Hi Francine. I realize it’s been two months since your post but I thought I’d write to you anyway. I’ll turn 61 this week next week. I was on Valium for 20 years. As a muscle relaxant! went off within four weeks-did not know about tapering or withdrawal. That was 28 months ago. Phobias, panic attacks, insomnia, anxiety, depression. I learned a lot and get help from Jennifer and postings on this site. Benzo buddies.org is helpful. Im in 12 step recovery and that helps too. I never had a psychiatric disorder or diagnosis until I went through withdrawal. I’m taking it one day at a time. I hope that you coming along well. God bless you all and know that you’re not alone.