The more I heal, the more I can see just how impacted my thinking has been over the last few years. That and my motivation. Ok… my whole life!
A few months ago I began having hours where the looping benzo withdrawal thoughts and obsessions stopped and I had a clear mind. I would have told you then that I was “almost healed.” But looking back, I can see that I wasn’t as healed as I thought I was. NOW it is so much better. HOWEVER, I am sure that in a few months from now I will look back and see that this benchmark was not the ultimate in my healing either.
It took me many months to fill out the paperwork needed for the Foundation Group to apply for my 501C3 (non-profit status) application. Now that I have finished it, I realize that it should have taken me a few hours or days at the very most. There were weeks when I was unable to even open email from them. Too much for my brain. I am grateful I am able to do more now.
But….easy does it.
No rushing into any big decisions that may alter my life dramatically.
Be patient and hold on some more. (I have gotten good at doing that. I can do it some more.)
The finish line is up ahead. I see the bright ribbon waiting for me to burst through it, my head held high.
Crossing the finish line won’t mean that life will be easy or drama free. But it does mean I will have more resources to cope with the ups and downs, ins and outs.
It also means I won’t sweat the small stuff. Life is made up mostly of small stuff, btw.
After the holidays I intend to put my whole heart into birthing my non-profit that serves people who do not fit in or function well in society. We provide therapeutic gardening and deep listening to help people rewire their brains and to heal their hearts, minds, bodies and souls. I am grateful I can be of service to others now.
Easy does it. One day at a time. Keep it simple stupid. All good AA slogans I use to help me live my life. Mostly, I turn my will and my life over to God as I understand God. Works like a charm.
I hope you will take a moment and comment here and let us all know how you are doing.
Warm regards,
Jenn
Yay! Jenn, you sound good! I’m doing ok, too. Just too fucking busy trying to get my life arranged so I can get out of town (and to Brie’s) next Wednesday for the holiday. My days are full-out, and I seem to be managing it ok. So good to hear you’re moving forward, too. Love…
Well, now, I didn’t mean that for public consumption, but so be it. Can’t find the delete button. Lol!
I’m having many more good days at day 132 than I could have imagined possible in month 1. I still have a long way to go, but I have faith that I’ll be dramatically improved in another 4 months. The winter cold is extremely healing, and I make a point of getting out everyday for a long walk. Somehow the wind and the cold feel wonderful to me. I still have difficult days in there, where symptoms are particularly uncomfortable or when I’m especially emotional, but I’m holding on. I’m lucky in that my husband has been a tremendous source of support. I believe this experience is strengthening our marriage; I know that is not everyone’s experience, but I want people to know it’s possible to get through this with an intact marriage.
Glad that you are still taking it slow and easy. I like the description of the non-profit you hope to start. I would like to start, be involved with, or otherwise support something like that in the not- too-distant future. It would serve a growing segment of our society that seems to be getting larger and larger. I am working on a few ideas (not a gardener though). You are still my mentor, Little Sis.
Hello, I’m still suffering pretty bad, even though I tapered very slowly, in which it did help some. I still find myself having days where I feel like, my withdrawal is nearly finished,and then some days remind me that I’m a long way. Its very strange how that works!
The most difficult thing to endure is, at least for me, how its tearing my life apart, family, work, financial, the list goes on… I still can’t believe that I’m going through this because all I wanted 11 years ago was help with anxiety issues from the Drs. and since then there help has turned my life upside down! The sad part is; no one can relate to this except the ones that are going through it or have gone through it… I’m hanging on though, I have no other option because I’ve given up on Drs.., meds, etc. I’m just tired of all of them. I’ve realized that all they are, just businesses trying to get you hooked on drugs to keep you coming back for more, just to get your money!
Bravo, Jenn. So glad you are doing well and planning your future. I am having some tolerable days with anxiety low but then a really bad day will hit and the anxiety is off the charts and my mind is messed up with fear and “what if ” junk. Mornings are always tough. But I am sleeping at least 5 to 9 hours as a rule. I am doing a bit more around the house and I did go grocery shopping one day and my hubby has taken me out to lunch a few times. His love and support have been a lifesaver for me. I have reconnected with The Lord. And I am a more compassionate person these days and really want to help stop others from ever taking benzos. I also want to volunteer at my local humane society and read to kids at our library.
But more than all of that, I want to heal and then work on building back my health with diet and exercise.
Thank you, Jenn, for all your wisdom, support and this blog and the great people who share their stories for the rest of us.
Dr. Jenn thanks for much for your posting and notes of hope. I am supporting my wife who is now 50 months off of Klonopin and still has deep dark depression and hopelessness. Discovering your sight has been great. Hopefully my wife will reach where you are now.
Thanks daer Jen
Doing much better and stable on half dosage
You are right it is not easy but reading your tremendous Posts and gaining courage and suport makes it all worthwhile
Warm Hugs
Elizabeth
Pardner, I hope she reaches this place as well.
Here’s what I do to boost my brain so that depression isn’t an issue:
I am learning from published accounts of research is that GUT health is vital to the brain. 80% of your serotonin is produced in your alimentary canal. Many people have a leaky gut, which means toxins get into the bloodstream and affect the brain. Eating fermented food or yogurt or kefir and taking good probiotics can help.
I got tested for the MTHFR gene mutation. I have it and it means my brain has a hard time metabolizing folate, (b9) and that can cause anxiety and depression and some feel it plays a role in schizophrenia and autism. Taking l methylfolate is the solution if you have this mutation.
I dumped gluten, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, and ANY processed food. I eat mostly whole, fresh foods and use very little dairy products.
Also, we now know that exercise is as good a remedy for depression as SSRI drugs. I do my best to walk, walk, walk!
Last, but not least, practicing gratitude is in my very humble opinion, the key to creating happiness and lifting the mood. I do my best to thank God for all of my many many blessings, and do not look at what I feel I have lost or do not have. I have breath in my lungs and a heart that pumps. THANK YOU GOD!
I hope that your wife feels better soon. There are many things besides withdrawal that can cause depression. I assume you have ruled out any other cause?
Life is such an amazing gift we have been given. I hope your wife can soon feel the joy that is at the heart of daily life.
Warm regards,
Jennifer
Wow!! 50 months off and still having problems! sometimes I wonder if it ever ends for some of us!
My best regards to you all, and may the recovery come soon!! 50 months is way too long to be suffering from these Damn benzos!!
Jen, thank you for your post. My wife’s problems started with a steroid shot for back pain which then triggered a steroid psychosis, and then benzo’s to counter the steroid. That led down the rabbit hole of benzo addiction and then withdrawal. All that she experiences has happened after benzo’s, never had any of these problems before.
I know the pain all too well! I just can’t understand how this benzo addiction issue is not taken seriously by the medical world when they are so many of us!
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