One of the things I like about 12 step recovery fellowships is the slogan, Easy Does It. Now that I am able to sustain more energy rebuilding my life, I need to remember those three simple words.
My nature is to plow ahead. I’ve always been an overachiever and somewhat impulsive. But my CNS is still not totally healed. I run the risk of amping up the tingles, burning skin, tinnitus, bone pain, etc. etc. etc. if I don’t take things a bit slow.
That’s hard for me, to be honest. I want to jump back into life and make up for the years “lost” in withdrawal. Every day I have to remind myself to take baby steps. (This will make C is Sweden happy to hear.) I try to accomplish just ONE thing, every day. Not two, or twelve. Just one. That’s enough. If I keep slowly building the things I need to do to be back in the world, big things will happen.
Baby steps are good because one of the symptoms that still remains is that joy and/or happiness can quickly turn into anxiety. Not mental worry, but body anxiety. Like I shoved my finger into an electrical outlet. It’s the damndest thing. And very uncomfortable. I got a haircut today, and I loved it sooooo much that the joy flipped 
over into too much energy. The drive home from Palo Alto felt like I was tied to a rocket ship about 2 seconds after lift off. I’m sure the drivers on 101 next to me wondered what the old lady with Jennifer Lawrence hair (a shorter version) was doing singing and writhing her arms around to the music. Just getting the creepy energy out guys.
I’m happy to let you all know that I am putting the finishing touches on my new book, Stop. Open. Turn. Three Simple Listening Skills To Nurture And Grow Love In Recovery.
My new company, Ways To Thrive, Inc. is also being formed. The new website will be up soon.. one day. (Baby steps, Jennifer. Baby steps.)
If you are able to get out and do more, remember to take things easy. GIve yourself lots of time to rebuild your life. It will happen. One small accomplishment at a time.
For the record, the years I spent in withdrawal were not lost. I learned so much about myself. But most of all, I learned how to deflate my ego, to let go, and to let God. I no longer have to run the show, trying to organize people, places and things, to make me happy. I am happy with life on life’s terms.
The coolest thing about my withdrawal? I didn’t have to drink over it. Not one sip. I used to have a drink over chipped nail polish. 🙂 God is truly doing for me, what I could not do for myself. I look back on that one set of footprints in the sand and think, “Yeah, the Big Guy was carrying me after all.”
Keep holding on. That’s all you have to do. Just hold on. Your brain is healing as you read these words right here.
I love you all more than you know. You are my family now.
Warmly,
Jennifer
Thank Jennifer, I needed to hear that today. You look wonderful, healthy and and happy I am nearly 18 months out and still symptomatic.
I was a mess at 18 months. It just takes time for some of us. Keep the faith. The time will pass.
Thanks for your kind words.
Jennifer, you look fabulous. I love the Jennifer Lawrence hair cut. I too have learned the hard way that you can’t jump back into life like nothing happened. Two years of tolerance and 14 months of withdrawal lets me know my cns is still very sensitive. I still have a long way to go but am having some better days. I agree with you that those years in benzo illness were not lost. I feel like God has done a house cleaning in me. Body, mind, and spirit. I wouldn’t take anything for the place I’m at right now. Definitely would not be here had it not been for withdrawal. Looking forward to seeing what God has in mind for me in the future. Thanks for all the encouragement you give to all us benzo sufferers. I cling to every word. Have a blessed life Jennifer.
You look SO pretty and Healthy Jen !!! I am so happy for you. !!!! I am 17 months off and at the end of my taper 🙂 But … I could not have done it without you, Maidenpa and everyone here. I have a wonderful doctor – but as learned as he is, it is here that I have found understanding and encouragement in what is happening to me in withdrawal. I’m still healing and have remained sober..
Love the hair Dr. Jen, I did the same thing and got the exact same hair cut three weeks ago. I’m now 63 days cold turkey off all klonopin. It’s been 10 mos on the slow taper. So I guess 1 yr coming off the devil medication. It’s been a hard road and still don’t know if I will make it or not. Just want hope that this will end soon. Still have the horrible panic and anxiety.. My brain still rolls around in my head. I was on massive doses of 8 mg per day for 10 years. Not knowing what that drug was doing. Told by my Drs. That it was safe!! Go figure…. Please assure me I will heal.. I’m 64 yrs old and would like to live a normal life again.. It hard finding anyone that understands this horrible nightmare.. Will I survive??
Hi Jennifer.
Thanks for your post!
I get the easy does it slogan in withdrawal, one day at a time and this will come to pass, they are some of my survival techniques that help.
I get the over doing it or wanting to make up for lost time and I usually learn the hard way with a crash of symptoms.
I’m 2 years off benzo’s and 3 month off antidepressants so still recovering, I can see small improvements- eg- sleep better, tinnitus is more intermittent, days of clearer thinking, this recovery is like watching paint dry, very skow and tedious!
My worst symptoms are agitation, anxiety, fear of fear and intrusive thoughts even though they are slightly better.
I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and do believe there is a purpose in this madness as my god has a plan for me.
Its me who can make thiings worse for me when I try to control or my high expectations of self rears its ugly self, this is when the slogans come back into play.
Let go and let god
Easy does it
Keep it simple
One day at a time
Surrender to win
First things first
This too shall pass
Acceptance is the key.
Thanks for continuing post as reassurance and hope I feel are the most important things in the withdrawal process.
Nice hair cut, my hair is a mess at the moment ‘what’s left of it’
My hair will rise again and so will I !!.
Love and peace to all.
Martin.
Jennifer thank you for affirming some of the things I am dealing with. I too wish to be myself again, organizing people and making things happen. One small situation is dramatic. Yesterday someone spilled Gatorade in the refrigerator. I cleaned it up impatiently, grumbling and complaining all the time. In the past when I was “medicated” that would have been nothing. I probably would have wiped it sloppily. But I was on 5 mind and mood altering Meds including oral morphine. Couldn’t keep a job or stay awake because of being over-medicated. Now I’m on one med after 2-1/2 years. At times it feels like my brain is silently screaming. I need to focus in the positive – sleep ok some nights, agoraphobia lessened, sober 19 years, family loves me, involved in 12-step recovery, opportunities to grow up at age 60. I have hope because you and others have gone before me.
Jennifer….. the picture I have in my head of you is when I said good-by to you in Sierra…. you look so awesome! I have to say I’m a little jealous! I know….. I’m 10 months off (klonopin) and healing is happening, at a snails pace! I do have windows, sometimes for several days, and even my crappy days aren’t as intense as early on! Do I get discouraged? YES….. but then I go and read some success stories, like yours, and I read and re-read my Bible. Verses that offer promises of God’s continued care for me, promises that He will never leave, promises that I have a beautiful feature ahead of me! HOPE….. if I didn’t have that this whole journey would be so hard! Thank you for your encouragement in all of your posts! May God continue to hold you and walk with you….. and all of us!
I must add my compipliments to the others. You look positively radiant. You sure look younger than your years! You sound so much better than when I found this site 3 months ago. I have been off the evil K for 13 weeks now and have not had a respite but keep hearing your words you will heal. I can’t help but identify with Diane, I am 64 also and feel like so many months to heal….I don’t have time. One must forgive oneself the past, but I find this hardest of all.
Thanks Diane.
You too! Blessings, blessings, blessings.
Jenn
way to go! Keep up the good work.
You are doing fantastic!
Jenn
Diane you will get better. It just takes a long time. A very long for some of us. Glad you got the same hair cut! I am loving mine. I went back today and went all over bright blonde. Why not? Time to live again. Keep fighting. You will get there. The anxiety and panic took awhile to lift for me. But it did. It will for you too.
You are a warrior woman. Tap into that strength. And let God carry the rest. 🙂
BLess you
Jenn
Martin
yes your hair will rise and you will too! I bleached mine out today and went blonde! If my hair can stand that, it means I am much better. My hair got weak and thin in wd. Now its think and coarse and alive as always. I’m hiding the gray. lol..
Thanks for your reply. I like your list.
Blessings
Jenn
Holly
God love you. Keep fighting. Your brain will right itself after all those meds. Just give it time. Sober 19 years. WOOT WOOT! Thats awesome. Keep trusting the healing process and know that God has your back.
Blessings,
Jenn
Carol
its a long journey for many of us. I still have so many body sx but I feel like I am success because my mind is clear. I am able to function in the world albeit in baby steps. But that’s more than I used to be able to do!
I fell so in love with you at ST. I remember crying when you left. You know how some people just touch your heart? that was you my friend.
Keep putting the free days together. One day it will all be over. You (and I ) will be healed.
I hope I can come see you this summer. i want to visit Colorado and Montana. Maybe see Yellowstone again. I love it.
Blessings
Jenn
You go girl! Rockin that great hairdo….loooove it!!!!!!