My tapering process was, how shall I say it… hell. When I made the decision to cold turkey after the addiction “specialist” said it would be a “piece of cake,” I was so ready for something easier than being bedridden and in a state of fear around the clock. Well, we all know how that went, don’t we? If I thought my suffering while tapering was unbearable…
I remember telling friends once I was home from the hospital, that I would be well in 6 months. That was what my doctor told me and I wanted to believe him. At four months off, I decided to jump back into my old career. I opened an office, gave a free talk, hung out a coaching shingle and ….quickly deteriorated into the full depths of Dante’s inferno; cold turkey benzo withdrawal.
Looking back, I wish I had been able to practice patience in those early months off. I could have saved myself thousands of dollars and saved myself a lot of emotional turmoil and anxiety too. Truth be told, I’ve never been good at practicing patience in my own life. I’m as patient as they come with other people. But apply patience to myself? Hard to do. Or rather, it used to be. Now I’ve learned more skills and I can take things slow and easy. I encourage you to learn a few patience skills too, especially as you begin to rebuild your life.
Many of you know that I am in recovery from alcohol as well. I’ve learned in the rooms of recovery to “Take It Easy.” I’ve learned what it means to live “One Day At A Time.” I also know what it means to “Keep It Simple.” All of those slogans help me slow down, calm down, and do what needs to be done next, (The Next Right Step) and not get ahead of myself.
Patience is a virtue. I believe that! As you begin to rebuild your life, I hope that you can practice being patient with yourself. Set realistic expectations and goals. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and your life won’t suddenly all come together at once. It takes small and steady moving forward to build a new life. Take it easy. Just as you had to trust the process of healing from benzo damage, trust that your life will rebuild, as you want it, in time.
One way to know if you are going too fast as you rebuild is to check your symptoms. Are you starting to have waves again? Are you feeling a bit overwhelmed? Is your sleep starting to decay? Check in with yourself and do an honest assessment. Scale back your activities if they are exacerbating any lingering benzo symptoms you have.
I’m not advocating that you simply sit and wait until every symptom is gone. It’s good to challenge ourselves a bit and to push. That’s what life does. It pushes itself out into the world. Watch any weed growing through asphalt! Please just take it easy as you push forward. You’ll get there. There is no need to hurry. All of the things that were in place to support you while you were in withdrawal are still there. You are okay and everything will be okay.
Keep it simple. Take it easy. Do the next right thing. One day at a time. Trust that you will regain your life and it will be wonderful. After withdrawal, life is sweet indeed.
Hello Jennifer,
I sent a message recently asking for permission to include some of your writings on my website with appropriate acknowledgment.
Marjorie
I like this post a lot. It reflects much of my own experience – the booze and the benzos. When I went to AA the first time around, I heard all the little short sayings and could understand the wisdom of them but decided I was not as ”bad” as all the others poor suckers in the rooms. I felt sorry for them. They clearly did not have it together like I did. Little did I know that I had a MUCH greater problem than most of them – that little yellow pill that I popped in the morning to help me quit shaking and at night to help me sleep.
The first person to greet me at my first meeting was another Don – Don S to be more exact. (I mention him in my book.) He had the “happy, joyous and free” thing going on. I had no idea how he got that way, but I liked it. He had “something” that was very attractive and I wanted but had no clue how to get it. I thought maybe he was a little bit “touched.” That was my explanation. He was high on life which was something I had never known. His favorite saying was –“Do the next right thing.” That became my favorite AA saying. Now that I am well, it is a much easier adage to follow.
As I have gotten through benzo wd, I have modified that saying a bit for my own use. It largely represents how I see life now. It goes: “Look for the next good thing.” There will always be a “next good thing.” Sometimes a problem, difficulty, heartache, or illness precedes it, but the next good thing always arrives. I jump from mountaintop to mountaintop now instead of groveling in the valleys and looking at the mountaintop experience as a “mistake.” Benzo wd transformed me into a very positive person.
Now I understand Don S and his happiness, joy and freedom. It reminds me of my favorite line in the Big Book (on page 29 of the 4th edition I believe) – “Yes, I am one of them [alcoholics] too; I must have this thing.” The “thing” is the “high on life” attitude.
The cool part – the joy and freedom are even BIGGER after getting through benzo wd.
Good stuff awaits you at the end of this mess.
Thank pI n t ry. I wish i didn’t complain so much. Guess thats impatience..the benzo negative thoughts..im crying some..n believe bettr..getting out 4 a walk as i try every othr day depending. N very cold n alot of work bundle up. Worth it..still sxs..im not social much. Want to do job n b done little hrs it is but God gave lil more 2 get out of my comfort zone..people still make me lil nervous as like accept them n all but they dont w/me..feel pressure socialize n..anyway I’ve been getn out world lil more 1 day/Wk. A Plus n positive.
Keep going. It will get better. Complaining is normal in withdrawal. So hard not too! Negativity rules with damaged receptors. But as we heal, it is up to us stop choose positive thoughts over negative ones. We may not be able to stop the negative ones from popping up, but we can ignore them and replace them.
Oh Don! You always have the right words. “Good stuff awaits you at the end of this mess!” YES! I can attest to Don’s words.
I had to laugh Don, at reading your account of first going to AA and feeling as if you had it better than the other drunks. I had the same experience. I “only” drank a few glasses of wine every night. I didn’t have a DUI. I hadn’t lost my job, etc. due to drinking. How I pitied those “hardcore” alcoholics. Little did I know that in a few short months my life would fall apart as I tried to get off of the benzo I took every night as prescribed for so many years. I was far worse than those “hardcore” alchies.
I am so grateful for the 12 Steps. They led me back to my old faith. They led me back into the arms of the God I had loved so well in my youth.
The joy and freedom ARE bigger than ever after getting through benzo withdrawal.
Yes, please free free to post with links back to this site. Sorry I didn’t reply sooner to your request. Jennifer
I love reading your msgs. You write exactly what I am feeling.
Patience really is a virtue. It’s so hard though when you start to feel better. I thought at 2 years off I could start on a light exercise program. Nope, not yet. I had 4 bad days because of picking up my light dumbbells. I’ll have to be content to just walking right now. I’m dealing with eye problems, skin problems and dental problems right now. I believe it’s all the aftermath of benzo withdrawal. It’s taken such a tole on my body. Still, I’m just so thankful to be drug free. Life is slowly getting better and better.
I like that Don n Jennifer 😀 Thank you n all. Great support. Glad c Diane 2, YEA!! N Amen
Hi
I did send you permission to use. Sorry that you didn’t receive it.