I’d like to be able to write that all is quiet meaning my mind is calm. Sadly, that’s not the case. At all. This wave is turning into a bit of a horror show. I don’t know what to make of it all, to be honest. I was worlds better only a handful of weeks ago. I am going to do what I normally do to survive waves, and that is to garden, try not to isolate, keep practicing positive self-talk, and accept things as they are. I’ve reached out to some veterans who are months or years ahead of me for support. I am not the only one who has experienced a setback at this stage.
When things have settled down, I’ll come back and give the details of this wave. Right now, I’d rather not write about it. It’s too painful. You may not hear from me for a while. I am going to go quiet. I have no idea how long this wave will take to lift.
I am losing hope, and that is by far, my worst symptom. I have to remind myself that life will get sweet again. It was looking up more and more every day earlier this year. Now, I am frightened I will never have a day of no anxiety, no weird thoughts, no burning, tingling, pain, derealization, fatigue, weakness, shitty sleep… you know all the symptoms.
This shit has gone on way too long. I was in tolerance for years. Then my taper, then my cold turkey. Then straight into fucked up hell. I want out of it. Preferably, right this second.
Wish I had better news to share.
I’m headed to the garden. It’s where I am the most at peace with a brain that will not settle down, and a body on fire and tingling. I am praying for a miracle. (But God seems to be ignoring me.)
Jenn
Jenn: Don’t give up hope…the fact that you got a break from a lot of your symptoms hopefully sheds light on the fact that this will go away some day…if you didn’t get that break, then you could possibly think the worse. But that is not the case, so stay strong! You have made it this far..you know you can do it just a bit longer. Easier said than done, though. I know I wouldn’t be as strong as you…I pray for you!
Little Sister,
I know you don’t understand or believe this, but the suffering is part of the miracle. When you can look back on this with hindsight, you will see it. I was terrified that my Creator had abandoned me, but that was only my withdrawal-sickened brain lying to me. Something deep inside me knew it wasn’t true and told me so. That didn’t make the agony go away or even make the lies stop, but it gave me something to try to grasp. It was a form of acceptance in some way having to do with blaming no one including myself or the ones who were involved in creating my pain – kind of “It is what it is. Better days will arrive when it is time. And those days will be mine.”
You have been one of my sources of hope and inspiration from almost the beginning. You still are. Better days are certainly ahead for you. I am certain of that. I am hoping they arrive soon.
Blessings,
Don
hang on there sweetie. take the time to find soothing distractions to help you pass these days. sometimes that’s the best that we can do in the waves: keep pulling our heads above the water and wait for calmer seas. wishing you peace and healing.
diana
Jenn, it breaks my heart that you’re having such a hard time. This is just a nasty, end of the line, wave. The devotional book “Streams in the Desert” has helped me so much. The book is about the trials and adversities we go through in life. It’s been such a help to me the last three years. You’ve been such a help and inspiration to so many people. I really feel God’s going to use you in a special way. He definitely is not ignoring you. When the time is just right, it will be all over. We need to have a big celebration when that happens. Praying for you constantly.
Please don’t lose hope. My 3 year wave lasted 3 months and I came out of it a little better. God doesn’t ignore us. In his own time.
O Jennifer im sorry : ( Stinks I no!! It will get better..all u wrote and Bliss and as she explains..I hate this monster myself as I cut hrs in my 1 only part time job..bad sleep..feel yucky and angry and 4 all..ashamed of my gvt help..want over.!! .the coping and your gardening is a nice way..peaceful..it helps what u write 4 me and all it seems. Luv walks..hard..God knows..will miss you..take care of u..prayers..n all..
G-d is never ignoring you. You are loved and you are helping us by telling us your story. Your strength inspires. I’m doing much better at 11 months than I was at 1 month. You’ll get thru this wave. You will. And we’ll be here to celebrate with you when you are feeling better.
Sent from RASJ’s iPhone
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I can understand how discouraged you must feel, Jenn, and even more so because you have experience several good months of feeling almost normal. That makes this bump (or should I say volcano?)even more upsetting. My prayers are with you many times a day. Even though you feel that God has abandoned you He hasn’t. He loves you with an everlasting love and will never give up on you. This verse has kept me going through many awful days–like the one I had just yesterday.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified of them ( the waves of pain and panic) for the The Lord your God goes with you. He will never leave you or forsake you.”
I wish we could all be there to give you a great big bear hug. Maybe even help you dig in your garden for awhile. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?
Just take good care of yourself and know that you are much loved. Look so forward to the email when you say you are your “old” self once again.
Dearest Jenn ,
Take all the time you need in your quietness but please , please , please never lose hope or give up.
The suffering is just starting to get worse for me and I always think if Dr. Jenn can do it so can I .
Think of this wave as the last finale of healing that you still need. Then when it leaves you will be fine.
I sometimes think God isn’t listening to me but then I remember he hears all and works in his own mysterious way. We still have lessons to learn. I will think of you and pray for you. Hope you return soon. Light and love and peace be with you. You are loved and admired.
I recently found your blog while in the midst of an ugly wave myself. I so appreciate your writing sharing your experiences. I don’t have anyone who understands what I am going through – how can they? I can’t understand it myself! Take care, be very kind and gentle to yourself and above all, don’t despair! Psalm 62:5 – Let all that I am wait quietly before God,
for my hope is in him.
So sorry, Jennifer. Another bad wave, but another step forward in your healing. God has not deserted you, He walks with you always. I’m back in the abyss as well after just passing my one year anniversary. No answers, no where to place the blame. It’s the nature of our healing journey. Hard to accept I know. But time is our only healer. Keep to your garden, plant your seeds there, of new life and growth. You are an inspiration to all of us.
Love and hugs, Karen
Jenn, I really hate to hear this, I know how much you have already suffered.. It does seem like we never really do get how of the woods with this, I too am afraid because we can never really know If were truly better or not. We may feel better for a while but just to go backward…. I know Jenn It truly sucks!!!!
Im so sorry you’re having this terrible wave especially since you were doing so well. I can understand how this one has probably hit you even harder than previous ones because you thought you were past this.
Everyone is so positive that there is a God involved in this & He’s watching over us & will heal us. I’m sorry, but I’m calling bullshit! Where was this God when all of our drs were writing all those Rxs for benzos & other psychoactive drugs? Where was He when they forced us to CT or taper way too quickly? Where has He been as so many of us look for a dr who will believe that these drugs have stolen our lives & can’t find anyone to help, just find blame heaped on us? Why has He let so many of us suffer so horribly for so long? Sorry, but I don’t buy this God sitting around watching us suffer & watching drs writing ever more Rxs for poison to ever more people. I’m not on board w/a God letting the psychiatrists catagorizing every little personal nuance into a disease & medicating the shit out of normal people for years when they’ve got either short-term problems or are just a little outside their narrow “normal” parameters. I don’t believe in a God watching the pharmaceitical companies getting rich from drug after drug to treat made-up problems & changing a molecule here or there to get a new, propeiatary drug when their patents are ready to run out. There is no God in their marketing departments where they make commercials to tell people they need this new pill to function normally & convince drs that they need to put their patients on these drugs. We thought we were going to drs, healers who took an oath to do no harm. We were going to drug dealers, just as if we had stood on a street corner & handed over a wad of cash for whatever poison they were selling. I don’t think God was involved just because they dress up in white coats & peddle their drugs from a clinic-they don’t know the effects of the drugs they’re selling any mire than the street pushers do.
No, there isn’t a God in this mess. There are greedy companies, arrogant, ignorant drs, misinformation & needless SUFFERING, all caused by humans. No God was watching out for me when I was given Rxs for benzos, when the Rxs stopped, when all the drs decided I’d developed all kinds of psych problems out of thin air & just wanted to medicate me into submission. I had to find my own dx of prolonged benzo wd & I’m going to have to rely on myself & my own strength to get through this. I’m not waiting around for some God to realize what suffering is caused by people drugging other people purely for profit.
If you all want or need to believe in a God that will help you now, go ahead. I’m not trusting or depending on anyone but myself any more!
Please consider a twelve step program preferably the one related to narcotics. It saved my life. The hardest thing I have ever done was take that first step into the rooms because I was so mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually broken from 25 years of benzo use. Let people help you through the pain. They can show you the way. God has this.
Is there anyway that I can get an email address for Diane Murphy? I feel it would be encouaging if I had another person who may want to share the journey with and think we may have things in common.
I continue to pray and think about you, Jenn. I hope that the symptoms are letting up some and that you are at least able to sleep. Everything just seems so much worse at night.
The hard part of it all is to feel so good for quite awhile and then to have the bottom drop out. I love your spirit though and it is encouraging that you just keep trying and hanging on to hope. If there is no hope–the people perish.
Linn, my e-mail is “neelsyhmurphy@yahoo.com”. I would love to share this journey with you. I’m 6 days away from 17 months off Xanax and in a rough wave right now. Hope to hear from you soon. Jenn, hope you’re pulling out of your wave . This is just so hard. We have no choice but to persevere and keep the faith.
Diane, I am S. fang also almost 17 month out from benzo w/d. would like to share this journey with someone who experience and understand it. Wonder if you would like to do that with me and we can encourage each other. May I write to your e-mail address? Thank you.
Wish I had some1 there..I hurt my feet..guess it was a way I coped..heel spurs..couldnt walk well..then had shots in each foot..im sad alot..been a few days..scared..I got angry and now..idk how to be..cortisone..noo.. ; ( Wish 4 such a good sleep..and 4 so long it seems..thanks..