In a few hours I will make 20 months free from almost two decades of klonopin use. I am healing, no doubt. But its creepy slow. I had a few good days with sx I could tolerate. Then today got pinned under and avalanche of benzo crap. I am tired of hurting. Tired of burning. Tingling, tossing and turning at night. I’m beached whale bloated, eyes fiery red, angry sore. My mind had been quite a few days, now it springs back into that benzo looping weirdness that has an old familiar texture. I am in the hurt locker again. Spent the day in bed. I’m working on a new website for my business but even that gets to be too stimulating at times.
This. Sucks. Ass.
Yesterday I told a friend I was stabilizing. Ha! Never let the beast hear you, cause he will grab you by the throat and fuck with you again.
I don’t know about you but the windows and waves are confusing as hell.
I don’t know what to think anymore. I wonder if this compromised life is as good as it is going to get. At least I am past the stark raving terror I lived in month after month in the beginning. I am grateful for that. But I sure wish I could wake up, bound out of bed, throw back my hair and feel sassy. Alive. Like I used to before my life imploded.
I wish I had a better report. Maybe tomorrow will be better and another window appear. I hope so. I read of so many who say, three years. It took them three years till they could really function and I am starting to think that is going to be me too. Sigh.
I hold on by writing, walking, gardening, cooking dinner for my kids, and dreaming of the days when life was so very sweet. As I am typing this my jaw pain is ridicules, finger pain too. Tingles head to toe, leg twitches, muscles that are burning, tight, achy, sore, burning tongue, burning painful spine, light flashes on sides of eyes, tummy bloated, bottom of feet painful, sadness, looping thoughts, boaty feeling, weak, dizzy, and chest tight, burning, hard to catch a deep breath, just overall irritable. Hard to hold out hope when you have been sick for years. Every day waking up knowing you are going to feel awful, in your body and mind.
That’s my update. Wish I had better news to report. Oh, the death obsession is lifting. That’s a plus.
Im truly feeling your pain. May you be blessed with
Healing and wellness.
In light in love, a fellow traveler on this desolate, scary road.
Peace, Dr Jennifer
You are in my prayers
Jenn, thanks for this. Sorry about the content, though. Ugh, this takes forever. REALLY? REALLY?
And, I did get your voice mail. Was eating dinner, then had a long call with Jess, now finally cleaning up, so I don’t have time to call. But I SO sympathized with your feeling you have to tell your parents about DI. WHAT COULD BE HARDER???
>________________________________ > From: benzowithdrawalhelp >To: mreutener@yahoo.com >Sent: Friday, February 22, 2013 10:10 PM >Subject: [New post] 20 months sucks ass > > > WordPress.com >Dr. Jennifer Leigh posted: “In a few hours I will make 20 months free from almost two decades of klonopin use. I am healing, no doubt. But its creepy slow. I had a few good days with sx I could tolerate. Then today got pinned under and avalanche of benzo crap. I am tired of hurting.” >
Even if you are not there yet, I CONGRATULATE YOU!!! You have made it this far and you now type, cook food for your kids, walk and garden. You cannot give up, you can get to the end, esp. if you have come this far! I know your pain…
Ten years ago, I SLOWLY tapered for 23 mos off valium. I only made it through 16 weeks and reinstated… it was sooo bad and now have ptsd 10 yrs. later, at 60 yrs. old. Am down to 6mg valium and it has been a long 18 years. I have to start tapering again even much slower.
We all have our stories, but you are making progress, do not give up. Your kids will be so proud of you and they need you. You are more than half way there! Good Job, You Rock
Girl!!!
I will also hold you in my prayers
Dear Dr. Jenn,
I’m so sorry you’re still struggling, but I know you will heal. Everyday you are closer. I know what you mean about having some good days and thinking the worst is over only to get hit again. What is the deal with that? It’s so hard to plan anything because you never know what to expect. This all just seems endless, but everyone says it will end and I believe them.
One thing that helps me a bit is lactium. Have you tried it? I’m extremely sensitive to everything and I can take this. I get it online from Swansons and it’s called women’s anti stress formula and not expensive. There have been lots of studies on the calming effects of milk decapeptides.
Sending prayers for healing for you and all of us.
Love,
Debby
The Benzo Beast doesn’t play fair thats for sure. I have windows where I am feeling almost normal then I wake into hell again. The difference from one day to the next is unbelievable. This is torture. I feel your pain Dr. Jen. I could of wrote this. Your right! It is so slow. We are going to make it I have no doubt in my mind. Linder xo
Dear Jenn, Thinking of you, and sending you lots of love. I know that you will get better, with time. I know how slow it is. I am still tapering, and just got below 10mgs of Valium, which is the lowest I have been, since tolerance hit in 2010. One thing I can say, is that I am able to love and be loved, and I have been more stable, in general, and more accepting of the symptoms. I have every confidence that you will be sassy again, and that you are healing. I send you love and light, peace and all my blessings. Love, Aryana
Hi Jennifer….. My heart is right there with you….. along with the aches and pains! I’m still working on getting off this horrible drug. I still have 7 cuts to go….. and then we will see what happens. I would love to share with you some of the things that I have been doing to help this process along, but not sure if this is the place tp do it! I really feel like the naturalpath that I am working with is REALLY helping. She is helping me get rid of the chemicals AND reparing my brain at the same SLOW time, through whole food supplements. If you would like to know more I would be happy to share with you, just email me. Didn’t think this was the place to go into all the details. I have horrible wave days….BUT the window days are coming more often. I also dream of the day when I wake up to that sassy person I know exsists, it’s just been so long since I have seen her that I wonder if she will ever come back. I am anxiously awaiting spring……spend alot of time with my 7 year old grandson, try and keep myself busy and my mind off of how yukky I feel. I have the wonderful support of my children and a husband that will hold me and tell me “just keep swimming…..we will get through this”. I long for the day when I can once again be the “wife” he fell in love with. However, I think WHEN I finally get to the other side, I will be a better, improved wife. When I think back to our time in Sierra….. I could just kick myself for going back on this medication…..but I can’t look back, I need to keep pressing toward the goal that God has planned for me!
Love to you!
Carol
dr dont loose your patients¡ i use to think that every time i thought i was better¡ some how it brought me back again¡ but that ‘s the process of healing and you are experiencing that is frustrating and painful¡ but given enough time you will be fine again¡ the reason i keep saying that TO YOU is because i am living proof of that¡ that near death feelings will clear up to the point that you will never thought of that at all and when you do that it wont bother you ¡¡ i hope my advice helps, its a waiting process¡
jm
Hi Jenn,
My thoughts are with you and I’m going to head into my little meditation room right now and say a prayer for you…and this won’t be the first time. I hit 20 months off five days ago, so I always look forward to your posts because our timing is the same and my symptoms parallel yours. But PLEASE hang in there….The one thing I have now that I didn’t have before was HOPE that I will get better and you will too…and nothing can take that away from us…The benzos sure didn’t. God bless you and please continue to be the warrior who shows so many others what courage is like. This is not for naught….You have a spiritual role here and you’re doing it, so hang tight!
Thank you all
So much for the support. I had a bad night. And I’m back to bed ridden today. Just so weak. Old emotional
Wounds and shame sitting right snack dab in my heart and head. Praying its just part of the wave. Not the return of my old abuse demons. Man this is hard.
Praying for all my warrior sisters and brothers. I see each and everyone of you claiming your courage.
Ill update next month. Hopefully with a better report.
Carol feel free to post here. We all know that what wqworks for one may not work for another. Interested to know what is helping.
I don’t know what to say, I wish that I could help.
Keep on keeping on. You will heal and so will we all. Great work with the blog. Really appreciate it.
Hello, I saw your site for the first time. I have read all of your posts and it all sounds like me. I have been on benzo’s for years. Went to so many doctors and get no answers at all. I have been trying to cut back on my own very slowly. I have a question can you go through hell just dropping 1mg at a time? My doctor said this can’t happen but it does. I think the worst thing for me is my friends want nothing to do with me anymore I am so alone. I guess they are sick of hearing how bad I feel and I can’t go out and do things anymore. Thanks, Tom
Tom sorry You are sick. I don’t know which Benzo you are on, and I can only share my own story. I know that even when I cut the tiniest amount of my Klonopin, I paid the price. I failed my taper. And ended up having to just jump off cold turkey. I was the only way I was going to cut off. Not the best way to do it. I hope you can find a doctor who can give you some guidance. You can always visit the Benzo buddies forum for support. Hang in there Tom, it gets better. One day. I’m sad to say, most of this of us lost friends and families to this ordeal. I’m having a hard time believing that I’m still sick at 20 months, I can only imagine what my parents and kids must think. I worry people think I’m a slacker, Or faker but I know in my heart, I’ve never been sick as shit this for this long from anything else in my life.
I am 30 months off. My baseline level of symptoms permits me to be somewhat functional, but when the waves hit, I can’t do anything but hang on and wait for them to pass. For a long time, I thought my waves were completely random, but I’ve begun keeping track. They correspond to specific places in my female cycle (when hormones are rising or falling) or to falling barometric pressure. These aren’t things that I can do anything about, but it helps to know why and to be able to predict when a wave might end.
Jenn, I feel your pain. I am 23 months benzo free. Still have numerous symtoms. Clenching teeth, derealisation, dizziness, headaches, neck stiffness, sensitivity to noise, can’t have sugar or caffeine in my diet. Not able to take any sort of supplements, insomnia. When sleeping at night get constant surges of what feels like an electrical rush in my head which keeps me from falling asleep. I have unpredictable anxiety. Everything as minor as it is makes my head feel like pressures is building and I get nauseous and dizzy. I feel like a prisioner in my own body. I have thought many times that I am going to feel this way forever. I don’t want to take my life but I have had the thought so many times. My doctor put me on zoloft 1 month after my last klonopin. I am thinking the zoloft might be playing a part in my recovery. The worse thing about this whole process is my doctor. He feels that I am making myself sick to stay off work. He believes that benzo withdrawal only lasts a few months. I have spent so much time searching for someone who understands what I am going through. I have not found one doctor who gets it. I find I feel best when I stay still and very calm. Spend most of my time in the house laying down watching tv. I have no social life as I never know how I am going to feel. I feel nauseous when people are around so I don’t have anyone over either. I am 52 years old and feel like I have been robbed of my life. I went for a walk the other day as I was feeling a little better. When I got home I laid on the bed for 20 minutes and when I got up I was so dizzy. It has been 7 days since that happened and I still feel unbelievably sick. I have never cried so much in my life as I have the past 23 months. I feel like I am going mad and have unpleasant thoughts. Hang in there everyone, we have gone through the worse and deserve to have our lives back.
Your doctor is ignorant. Most of them are. You didn’t have this pre Benzo I assume. It will go away one day. I hope. Hold on. Keep us posted. We are all in this together. Lets stay close.
I, too, am still suffering at 17 and 1/2 mos. out. Took 1mg xanax for 9 mos. Tapered for 5 months. Cannot believe this is happening to us! Can’t something be done about these drug companies?
Feel your pain Have come off Cold Turkey Probably not the best way but in my circumstances the only choice
Am determined to see it through I will never take another Benzo as long as I live Stupidly, I never knew they were addictive
In quite a bit of pain emotionally and physically
Please hold me inyour prayers
Elizabeth
elizabeth
you are in my prayers indeed.
I will be 27 months out on the 23rd. I feel about 80% healed. I have been having some good days. 🙂 I dont want to say that TOO loudly as I know it all can fall apart in a heartbeat. I have never had a sx free day, but everything is far more tolerable. I am even dating again!! woot woot!!
Keep putting the days together. You will heal.
Jenn
Thank you for the encouragement Dr Jenn Does insomnia also get less by time?
Any tips for better sleep?
You are one strong lady Hoping u continue to recover more and more
God Bless
Elizabeth
The insomnia gets a lot better! I used to go to sleep at 6 am and slept until 9 or 10 am. That was in my taper. After I cold turkeyed with pheno, I would go to sleep at a more normal hour, but wake up every 45 to 90 minutes feeling as if I was suffocating, and being electrocuted, in a white cold terror. It almost broke me. It went on for months. I had a sleep study done and doctor told me that my nerves all over my body were firing. He had never seen that before. (I bet he had never seen benzo wd before!)
My sleep pattern now is I get sleepy around 10 or 11, or midnight at the latest. I fall asleep within 10 -30 minutes and I wake up about 2 times a night and very easily go back to sleep. I sleep 6-8 hours, but mostly 8 and on some nights, at total of 9. My longest stretch uninterrupted was 6 hours. It was heaven. I believe it will keep getting better.
Benzo withdrawal is a fucking nightmare beyond anyone’s wildest dreams that have not been through it before. The light at the end of the tunnel is light years away, it seems like. The tinnitus is the one lingering symptom that seems endless.