I thought as I rounded the corner to 18 months that healing would start to happen in big chunks. That has not been the case. Certainly I am still gaining ground, but it is by tiny tiny tiny steps, not leaps and bounds.
My baseline is:
bone pain, tingles, hot flashes, finger pain, leg pain, hips feel like they are being crushed, rotated and pushed inwards as they burn, bottom of feet pain, foot pain, ankle pain, sore yes, flashing lights on sides of eyes, ears ringing, crushing fatigue, broken sleep, achy muscles, cog fog, burning tongue, electrical zaps, muscle twitches, anxiety, fear, depression, looping thoughts and my ongoing obsessive thoughts about death and the futility of life and almost constant paranoid thoughts. I am sure I am forgetting some. So you can see I am still pretty benzo sick, but it is getting better.
I sometimes despair that I will truly heal and wake up without thinking about death, illness or some calamity that might happen and not hurt, burn or tingle. But I do my best to hold onto hope. Bliss John’s called me Wednesday and reassured me it all goes away. In time. Sometimes, more time than we want or anticipated. She said she too had the death thoughts and the paranoid thinking. She had the body symptoms along with uncontrollable movements. She healed. I know I will too. Or I hope I do.
It is a long time to suffer such a cruel illness. I was sick in tolerance long before I began my taper. I tapered 8 months before I jumped 17 months ago. I was bed bound and often unable to care for myself for most of my taper. I am now back at work a few hours a week and my creativity is returning. I am grateful.
I believe that the healing time of 6-18 months is not correct. I believe many of us take far longer than 18 months. I email others who are father off and they tell me it took them years to feel better. Bliss gentle tells me not to be upset if I am not healed by 24 months. I think she knows how long it really takes. She has talked to over 5 thousand people in withdrawal and I trust her guidance. I am grateful for all she does for us in benzo withdrawal.
I wish I had a better report, but I am grateful for the healing to date. I AM better, but not by the amount I hoped for. I have had some decent days where the symptoms were pretty minimal and my mind was quiet most of the day. I was so sure it would stay, but alas, it did not. Back in the thick of it.
Hold on every one. Each day is another day of healing. The brain is a very slow organ to repair. But it will. Healing is happening right now as you read this blog
I am going to hold onto hope. It is all I have really.
Jennifer
those ugly near death touhths chased me thru all my withrawal , and more than 120 w/d symptoms¡¡¡ most of it is gone¡¡ and please, please¡¡¡ trust me those thoughts will go away little by liitle ¡¡¡¡ and then everhything will make sense again is like some curtains come down and erase all the twisted hoorible toughts that tormented us¡¡ that feels like real they are not those not the way life fells at all¡¡¡ not even a good window is close to thati when you heal ithe brain will not connect anymore with the nightmare¡¡ i know is hard to understand right know¡¡ but you will be healed 100 percent¡¡ please belive me i been there¡¡ hang in there is a waiting game thats it¡ ¡¡ jm
I am counting on your promise to be true! Thanks so much for taking the time to spread some hope to my readers. God bless you.
Thanks, Jenn. A good one, as always. Just wish it were more heartening news, huh?
________________________________
Hi Jennifer, I was just thinking about you a couple of days ago. I’m so glad you are seeing progress, even though it is slow. I am still tappering and it hasn’t been easy. Right now I am holding for a while (until the holidays are over). I have to admit that I’m alittle jealouse that Bliss Johns called you. Her book has been a great help to me and the nutritionist I am seeing. If I have a bad day I will get her book and read parts of it. Most days I am able to continue with my day even though I don’t feel well, for me it is mostly headaches, muscle pain, broken sleep, fatigue, some anxiety, bad concentration. I do have window days when I feel almost normal, that is such a blessing cause it tells me that I WILL be ok…..it’s just that this whole journey “sucks”, and it’s so hard to explain to people,doctors, or who ever….. they just don’t get it.
I think of you often, hope your Christmas season is filled with love.
Carol (from Sierra)
Dear Jenn, Have been thinking about you and wondering how you are. So sorry to hear that it is still so hard for you, and my heart goes out to you. You will heal, my friend. I’m still tapering, slowly, and my mind is doing well. It is the physical things that are so troublesome. I wish Bliss Johns would email with me, again, let alone call me. she called me once, few years ago. Praying for you. You will heal. Love, Aryana
Carol
take it slow. Good to hold for awhile, let the brain catch up. There is no rush. Its a crazy crazy path to wellness. Thanks for stopping by. Send me a pix of the snow! Please. 🙂
I have to be careful not to give advice that can be perceived as practicing medicine, so I amend that reply Carol and say that in my own experience holding helped. Of course you need to do what you and your doctor feel is best. Just wish more American doctors got educated about benzo withdrawal syndrome.
Thank you for the update – yes it is very slow. I am 27 months and still dealing with it, but I am better than I was at 17 months…so it does happen but oh so slowly. I know this will take another year for me but it is getting somewhat more tolerable.
Be kind to yourself, rest alot, eat well, and keep up the good thoughts when you can!
Ruth
Stumbled upon your site this morning and wanted to encourage you in your journey. I am now 5 years off benzos and your thoughts and feelings brought me back to my intense withdrawal. It took me all of 3 years to feel “normal”. My worst symptoms were depression and almost daily suicide ideation. I had no plan to die but I just did not want to live. I would awaken each morning wondering how I would ever fill all the hours of the day. It truly was hell on earth. I gradually got better and now fully enjoy my life again. I still have all the “normal” anxieties, fears, joys and laughter again. Sometimes I feel scarred from the experience but it has truly made me a stronger person (Iknow it sounds like a cliche). It took me longer than the “typical” 18 months to heal. I believe you are on the road to healing. It will happen.
Benzo withdrawal is the worst! I understand your pain. My prayers and thoughts are with you!
Yes hold on Jennifer you will make it.
Where can we get some kind of phone support? I m in the midst of a terrible wave of physical symptoms.
Thank you for stopping by. I keep hearing three years. Must be something to it. Thank you for posting a reply for my readers. Gives us hope. I pray the rest of your life unfolds with peace, health and happiness.
I do not know of any support via phone. I may offer some free conference calls in the future and I may do coaching. But I’m not healed enough to do that yet. You can get support at benzobuddies.Org. I hope you have a window soon.
thank you, let’s hang in there!
Thank you once again for your updates and its nice to see I’m not alone… people and doctors do not understand this and say we should not be having these symptom after WD….and try to tell me its because I have anxiety and I need to be on a medication… that is so not the case I feel so much better off this benzo med…. and although the post WD Im still feeling all kinds of symptoms like you are saying… I do have days I feel really good and then it sneaks back up and I have bad days… in time I hope to heal and your blog helps me and encourages me to see Im not the only one. Its pathetic how a doctor or other people try to tell me how Im feeling or that Im making this up… Im so not making any of what Im feeling post WD….Im only 15 months off mine… and everyone is like how can you be feeling like how you are… and think I make it up…. when Im not. People say to me I need to be doing so much stuff and keep busy when they have no clue what Im feeling. I hope you feel better and it is a slow process from what I keep reading… we are all healing….just takes time…..I hope! Your notes give me hope… so please keep them coming! Thank you and God Bless You. 🙂
I’m glad you continue to update your blog. I walked away from mine at 12 months benzo-free because I experienced a significant setback then. I planned to return to it when I “turned my corner,” but that hasn’t happened yet. I’m 27 months free, but with two other psych meds still to taper. Thought I would mention that as people often leave things like that out. I also have other complicating factors in my story. I don’t mean to imply that I haven’t made noteworthy progress in my 27 months free. I definitely have. I just have a lot more road to travel yet.
is it 3 years recovery period for everyone?? what if you were only on a benzo daily for 2 months alongside intermittent use over 5 years?
No it is not three years for everyone. The average recovery time is 6-18 months. Remember I was on the drug for 18 years or so, and I was kindled and I cold turkeyed. Not everyone has a horrific withdrawal even on the drug a long time. One person was on .5 K for 11 years, tapered and went on their merry way.
Hi:
Over the past six months I was on Seroquel and Doxepin. Switched back to seroquel. Dropped Doxepin. Put on Lithium, Latuda, klonopin, seroquel and propanalol. I quit the Lithium and Latuda after two weeks. Now am on Seroquel, klonopin, and propanalol. I have increasingly severe burning muscle pain and weakness. I can barely get out of bed or walk. I quit benzos over 6 months ago. Feel damaged beyond belief. Been in the psych ward 3 time in just over 6 months. Can’t begin to understand what is going on. I feel like I am dying. No help from my doctors. They think it is psychological.
Ken
Hi: Sorry I meant to say I was on Zyprexa before being switched back to seroquel. I am going to die. The burning muscle pain is extreme and I can’t function. I can’t sleep, etc. What have I done to myself.
Ken