I thought as I rounded the corner to 18 months that healing would start to happen in big chunks. That has not been the case. Certainly I am still gaining ground, but it is by tiny tiny tiny steps, not leaps and bounds.

My baseline is:

bone pain, tingles, hot flashes, finger pain, leg pain, hips feel like they are being crushed, rotated and pushed inwards as they burn, bottom of feet pain, foot pain, ankle pain, sore yes, flashing lights on sides of eyes, ears ringing, crushing fatigue, broken sleep, achy muscles, cog fog, burning tongue, electrical zaps, muscle twitches, anxiety, fear, depression, looping thoughts and my ongoing obsessive thoughts about death and the futility of life and almost constant paranoid thoughts.  I am sure I am forgetting some. So you can see I am still pretty benzo sick, but it is getting better.

I sometimes despair that I will truly heal and wake up without thinking about death, illness or some calamity that might happen and not hurt, burn or tingle. But I do my best to hold onto hope. Bliss John’s called me Wednesday and reassured me it all goes away. In time. Sometimes, more time than we want or anticipated. She said she too had the death thoughts and the paranoid thinking. She had the body symptoms along with uncontrollable movements. She healed. I know I will too. Or I hope I do.

It is a long time to suffer such a cruel illness. I was sick in tolerance long before I began my taper. I tapered 8 months before I jumped 17 months ago. I was bed bound and often unable to care for myself for most of my taper.  I am now back at work a few hours a week and my creativity is returning. I am grateful.

I believe that the healing time of 6-18 months is not correct. I believe many of us take far longer than 18 months. I email others who are father off and they tell me it took them years to feel better. Bliss gentle tells me not to be upset if I am not healed by 24 months. I think she knows how long it really takes. She has talked to over 5 thousand people in withdrawal and I trust her guidance. I am grateful for all she does for us in benzo withdrawal.

I wish I had a better report, but I am grateful for the healing to date. I AM better, but not by the amount I hoped for. I have had some decent days where the symptoms were pretty minimal and my mind was quiet most of the day. I was so sure it would stay, but alas, it did not. Back in the thick of it.

Hold on every one. Each day is another day of healing. The brain is a very slow organ to repair. But it will. Healing is happening right now as you read this blog

I am going to hold onto hope. It is all I have really.